Journal entries

Monday December 20, 2021 Entry #5 (i forgot to wrote down the time. im sorry)

Fire.

Such a beautiful thing. Yet it can do so much damage.

I bought 2 candles today and I like the feelings they give me. The glow of the flame gives me joy. The heat gives me warmth. The scent gives me peace.

I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of this candle. I'm jealous of the warmth and the peace and the joy. This small thing is so golden.

I'm so dull. I don't know why. I put on a great mask at school today. I always do. As soon as my friends went home and I was left alone, I crumbled.

I tried so hard to figure out why I felt like this today.

I've come up with two reasons and I'm not sure which one is the reason.

1: My last entry gave me the closure and feeling seen that I had wanted, but it brought me back to that time.

2: Last night I showed Mommy my report card. Sure I definitely could've done better, but it wasn't that bad. She yelled at me. She wasn't happy. She said she was going to call my teachers and find out how I could've fucked up this bad. It gave me anxiety, but that's good right?

If I'm not scared of what could happen I will never do what I need to do.

Right?

I'm trying harder.

I got two gift cards from my school because of my grades. When Mommy asked me why I had gotten the gift cards, I lied.

"I don't know" I had said.

I didn't want to hear her replies.

"that's what they consider good grades?" she would've said.

How do you tell the person that is the most concerned about you that they're the reason why you're feeling like that.

I love my mom with all of my heart, but I can't deny the fact that she makes me feel like shit.

She took us to Target today. I had begged her last night to take me but it was too late. She told me "I'll take you tomorrow."

That was before she saw my report card.

7:48pm

I had to take a break from writing because I had to go with Mommy to drop Mohammed off at the movies.

I was also supposed to go with my friends but they either left me on read, told me they would get back to me and didn't or cancelled last minute. The 2 people that wanted to come, couldn't.

I had to hold back my tears after we had dropped him off. I really wanted to go and was looking forward to it but the odds weren't in my favor.

I guess that's what I get for getting my hopes up though. I taught myself to never have high expectations. The one time I get excited about something, it ends up blowing up in my face.

Back to what i was talking about before.

I had wanted to go to Target to get a bunch of clothes and a vinyl or maybe even two, but when I asked Mommy if I could order one a few days before she told me that I needed to stop buying vinyl.

So with that in mind I walked into Target and bought a t-shirt, belt and two candles. I went to the vinyl section and just stared at them. Mommy didn't say anything until we left.

"I thought u we're gonna get more stuff. Maybe a vinyl or more clothes."

I thought she was still mad at me because of my report card.

She had gotten over it after seeing how sad and upset I was.

I'm going to go to bed now.

Baba went to Tennessee for a friend's wedding and is coming back tonight.

I'll se him in the morning.
8:00pm

A/N

I accidentally published this without  note so i'm back.

I wrote this entry on a really shitty day and it took a few days to publish but i hope it's okay😭

I really like publishing to Wattpad but i find that after I started doing it I was kinda doing it for y'all instead of for me.

I'm going to try and improve that but yeah

DRINK SOME WATER AND EAT SOME FOOD YOU DESERVE IT.

LOTS OF LOVE

UNTIL NEXT TIME

BYEEE!!!