Selfless Love

Chapter 3

The change in Bucky's behaviour surprised everyone. He talked and smiled a little more, he stayed around after dinner. Even his therapist said he looked happier.

Your wound healed slowly, it left a scar shaped like a crescent moon. You often found yourself tracing it with the pad of your index. It reminded you of Bucky.

There was something about him that put you at ease. Perhaps it was his shy demeanour or his selflessness. Whatever it was, you were growing fond of him and it terrified you, so you decided to keep your distance.

Rebecca Kaplan, skilled psychologist, observed Bucky silently. He was snapping the elastic band around his wrist, a tell-tale sign of his anxiety.

He avoided her eyes. He knew he had to speak first, it was one of her rules. Once, they had spent an entire session in complete silence because he had refused to speak.

"Doc, I'm not good at this," he groaned. "Where I'm from we don't talk about our feelings. We lock them away deep inside and pretend they don't exist."

"Ah, the 30s," she grinned and nodded towards the elastic band around his wrist. "What troubles you?"

He sighed, trying to put his thoughts into words. "I think she hates me."

Dr Kaplan nodded slowly. During the last three sessions, Bucky had talked about you at length. She quickly understood that he was developing romantic feelings for you, but he was clueless.

"Why do you think that, Bucky?"

"She doesn't talk to me anymore." He ran a hand through his hair. "Did I do something wrong?" he said, more to himself than to her.

"Why don't you talk to her?"

"I can't. I tried," he groaned. "I stutter and blush like we're in some kind of parallel universe and I'm Steve Rogers."

"And your journals?"

"There's no way in hell I'm showing her that."

"That's not what I meant," she replied, shaking her head. "Maybe you could write her a letter."

"I don't know," he sighed after a moment of contemplation.

Later that day, Bucky returned to the compound. A delicious smell greeted him the moment he opened the door. He couldn't help but inhale deeply as he entered the kitchen.

"It's soup," Wanda grinned when she saw him sniff the air like a dog. "My grandmother's recipe. I've added alphabet pasta, it was Pietro's favorite."

She smiled a sad smile as she remembered her late brother. Bucky wasn't sure what to do, so he offered to set the table. When he was done, she told him dinner would be ready in half an hour. He retreated to his bedroom and tried to write you a letter. Ten minutes later all he had was 'Hi'.

When FRIDAY informed him that dinner was ready, Bucky went to your bedroom, but you were not there. Feeling a bit down, he walked down the hallway to the kitchen.

It was just Sam, Wanda, Bucky and you that night, the others were either with their families or on missions. You sat in front of Sam as Wanda poured the soup into deep plates. She sat next to Sam and passed you the bread basket. You frowned when she smiled at someone standing behind you.

Bucky sat next to you, careful not to touch you. You looked up at him and gave him a half smile. Sipping your soup quietly, you threw occasional glances at Bucky.

You were falling hard for him and you wanted to believe that you could cross the line from friends to lovers. It happened to Monica and Chandler and they were happy. But this was your life, not some TV show. If things didn't work out between you, you'd lose your best friend.

You didn't want to mess things up with Bucky. Besides, you knew he was still struggling with his demons. The timing wasn't right.

While Wanda and Sam were chattering away, Bucky watched you from the corner of his eye. Your shoulders were slumped and you looked utterly defeated. It made his heart sink.

He smiled softly, an idea forming in his mind. His brows pulled together in concentration as he wrote you a message in alphabetti spaghetti. He gave you a nudge, prompting you to look at him. You followed his gaze and saw three letters lined up on the edge of his plate.

H E Y

When you smiled at him, your face lit up with glee and he couldn't stop staring at you. He tore his eyes away from yours and used his spoon to fetch more letters.

U O K

You stared at the three new letters for a moment before you looked back at him and nodded. He mirrored your smile and pushed the letters back into the soup.

You turned to Sam and Wanda who were talking about their incoming mission. They didn't seem to notice that you and Bucky were in your own little bubble. Bucky gave you another nudge.

M I S S U

You felt tears prickle at the corners of your eyes. He missed you. You were so busy running away from your feelings that it didn't occur to you that Bucky might need you.

You hung your head in shame, feeling like the worst friend in the world. You forced yourself to meet his gaze and mouthed the word 'sorry'.

He smiled and held your hand under the table. You laced your fingers with his and gave him a reassuring squeeze, letting him know that everything was fine. At this moment, you made a vow to yourself that you'd always be there for him.