Selfless Love

Chapter 8

"You look like you haven't slept in a week."

Natasha came into the kitchen, smiling as she filled her favourite mug with coffee. She rested her back against the counter and blew over the surface of her hot coffee before she took a careful sip.

"Bucky had a nightmare last night," you mumbled.

Natasha pulled out a chair and sat across from you. You straightened your shoulders and rubbed your eyes with the tips of your fingers.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she offered with a small smile.

"It's just..." you sighed. "I feel like he's pushing me away. Last night, I fell asleep in his room and I woke up in my bed. Later, he woke up screaming, but his bedroom door is always closed. Sometimes he even drags his desk to block the door."

"He's afraid," Natasha said, her hands wrapped around her warm mug. "He's afraid that if he lets his guard down, they'll come for him. I know the feeling. You've been dating for a few months now, just be honest with him."

That night, Bucky kissed you goodnight and locked himself in his room. You tossed and turned in your bed, unable to get comfortable. Your clock read 4AM when you heard Bucky dry heaving.

You knocked on his door and tried the knob, your heart pounding in your chest. You heard the toilet being flushed, then the rush of water as he turned on the taps and you waited patiently. Bucky opened the door slowly and pressed a sweaty kiss to your forehead.

"I'm fine, go back to bed."

You brushed past him to enter his room and looked around; the bed was unmade, the sheets crumpled. Bucky closed the door, too exhausted to argue.

"I wasn't sleeping," you replied, turning to face him. "Let me help you."

You took his flesh hand, but he quickly pulled it away.

"I killed Maria Stark with that hand," he choked on the words, then struggled to continue. "Do you really want to hold it? Kiss it? Feel it on your skin?"

"It wasn't you-"

"But it was my hand," he interrupted.

"Yes, it was." You took a step closer and reached for his hand. "And you're going to have to deal with this your whole life, but you don't have to do it alone. I'm here for you. Nat, Steve, Sam, Clint... we're all here for you."

He lowered his gaze to your intertwined hands and took a shaky breath.

"You're all sweaty, let's get you in the shower," you said, leading him to the bathroom.

"You don't hav-"

You shushed him gently and gave him an encouraging smile. He removed his shirt while you turned on the water, setting the temperature. Soon, steam filled the small bathroom and you left the room to give him some privacy.

"Can you join me?" he asked, his voice was small and thin.

He only had his sweatpants on and you figured he wasn't wearing anything underneath. You nodded and began removing your clothes as Bucky kicked off his sweatpants. You felt your face heat up. You had never seen him nude before and while he did look stunning, he also looked extremely vulnerable.

Taking his hand, you joined him in the shower and let him hang onto you. He was leaning over you, one hand resting on your hip, the other supporting his weight against the wall.

You soothed him as best you could, whispering sweet nothings in his ear, running your hands up and down his sides. He started crying, silently at first, then his entire body shook as he sobbed into the crook of your neck.

A few minutes later, you stepped out of the shower and dried yourself off. You handed him a clean towel and tossed his dirty clothes into the hamper.

Bucky walked out of his bathroom only wearing a pair of black boxer briefs, his head was tilted as he rubbed the towel into his hair. He threw it on the bed and took your hand as you both walked down the hall to your room.

"Feeling better?" you asked, closing the door behind you.

"Yeah, thank you," he gave you a tired smile.

You wrapped your arms around him and pressed a chaste kiss on his lips. He climbed into bed with you and you both lay on your sides, facing each other.

"It's okay, you can close your eyes."

"On one condition," he said, holding out his little finger. You wrapped your little finger around his. "You let me hold you. I need to know I can protect you. I need to feel you against me."

"I'm never going to say no to that."

You scooted closer to him, your head on his shoulder and your leg overlapping both of his. Bucky wrapped his metal arm around your waist, keeping you close to his side. He closed his eyes and fell into a deep, dreamless slumber.