it all ends with us: ruins

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Chapter Fifty-Seven:

"It all ends with us."

My dear Atlas,

Voldemort is dead. But so are you. You knew what you were doing, but you did it anyway. Why would you do that to me darling? When I first met you, it was like a fortunate stroke of serendipity. You were dangerously beautiful, I admired that about you. You didn't light up the room when you walked in, that was mostly Ren, but you did without doubt take everyone's breath away.

Ren is in pieces. Haunted by the ghost of you. She hasn't let anyone move your stuff in case you might come back. She's not grieving yet. In denial. Unlike Pansy who is adamant that if we try and forget you it would hurt less. But it's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. Maybe Ren's right. Maybe one day the universe will bring you back to me.

I stopped smoking. I know you didn't like it much and I wish I could have shown you the progress I made but I did it. I stopped. But I should probably tell you that I smoked triple the amount the days after it happened. Cause even medicine cannot fix the wreck inside my heart. They keep telling me to sleep to make it better. But sleep doesn't help when it is your soul that is tired.

We should've been destined for a lifetime of love. You promised me forever. Yet now there are oceans between us. You're supposed to be here, love. The world keeps spinning around me. That could be the withdrawals. Of you or maybe the nicotine, I can't tell. Everything has changed, and not for the better. Life will never be the same.

Me and Draco stopped talking. We were best friends at one point, but he can't look at me without a grimace on his face now. The burnt bridges between him and I, would they ever be fixed? He told me about the night when he found you in the bathroom. What you were about to do. The way you sobbed in his arms for hours on end. He made me promise to save you. Cause he loved you just as much as I did. I couldn't save you could I. You always put others before yourself, and for once I wish you had put yourself first. It was your selfless sacrifice.

Now it feels like I've lost more people that I could count. First my mother, then Apollo and now you. My God, life is infinite. So infinitely finite. I don't know how I'm supposed to live without you. I should've done more, but then again you were a force of nature. And a girl with determination. I should've known that no one beats the odds against him. You were my salvation, mine just mine. But you wanted to save everyone. I just need it to stop hurting. Need. not even a want anymore.

I knew that siphoning the dark mark away from us would hurt you. I was selfish and let you do it anyway. Because you made pain look pretty. People are telling me not to blame myself, but all the signs were there, in front of me and I let it happen. You encompassed the darkness. Darkness was the essence of who you are, who you were. It was a nightmare. One I still can't escape. I want to lose the feelings I have just as fast as I lost you. But it's impossible. But I am in love with the impossibility of us.

I'm writing a letter. I don't think I've ever written a serious one before. You're my first. In more ways than I can count. We're just two kids who fell in love. You were everything I wanted to live for. That was the story, and it should've ended with us growing old together. I just want one last chance to say goodbye to you. Cause a love like ours only ever happens once. I love you a thousand times over. I don't think I've said that enough to you. I will forever remain in regret just as much as you will remain forever in my heart.

I would do anything to start over. A part of me died that day. I want to hear your voice one last time. Telling me I'm being stupid. Giggling over the fact that Lorenzo just made a fool of himself. I want to hold you one last time. I felt home in your arms. That feeling I would never find anywhere else. I'm angry. I'm mad more than I could be sad. I'm mad at the world for taking you away from me. It's consuming, that feeling. I don't think I could ever recover because two months in and I'm still missing you like crazy.

Kiera left. A muggle school in America offered her a space because of her wits. Goodbye had never hurt so much before. She left Eli, she left Ren. I understand. I think it's hard to heal in the environment that hurts you so much. So, I respect her decision. We miss her, we miss you more Atlas. I have hope she'll be back one day.

Did you know that there are seven billion people on this planet and the only one I want is you? Because it has always been you, it will always be you. We were strangers once and then again. Even if I couldn't love you for eternity, I still loved you entirely. Which is crazy considering that the concept of love I could never fully grasp until I met you, darling.

The story between us wasn't easy. Loving you was hard, letting you go was harder. And if anyone knows that the universe has a cruel way of working than it is us. You are worth more than life itself. I hope you know that Atlas Selene. I hope you know that you died a hero. And your heart might not beat but mine will beat for you.

And I hope you know how much it hurts. How much everyone loved and adored you. To the point that the whole school mourned for you. I hope you know that you have left us with a black hole in our lives for all eternity. I don't know how but I'll drown it out. I'll make sure that I make you proud. I'll rewrite the stars. I'll carry your legacy like a crown. Everyone in this world will know you and be proud of you. My Atlas. Cause it all ends with us. And the ruins are not what is important but what remains.

And that will always be you.

Throughout everything I will be yours.

Truly,

Your Theodore Nott <3