my butterfly // heewon

Chapter 28

His quiet room. It all reminded him of his childhood. He had no friends and he was always in his room. Throughtout the day it was always quiet but when night came, the whole house was filled with shouts. When he was younger he always thought he didn't deserve it. His young heart didn't deserve that much pain his parents caused him. But now he thinks opposite. He thinks he deserved every pain he felt in his life.

The palms of his hands were on his ears. He hated hearing Jungwon's little voice always repeating the same things over and over again: 'It's all your fault.'

It almost passed three months after that night. And he still didn't know what exactly happened. All he knows is that Jungwon ended up in a coma and he still didn't wake up. He remembers visting him one day with his mother. But seeing his lifeless body just laying there, it made him sick. He remembers holding his pale hand wishing he could change what happened. He remembers seeing Jungwon's grandma just crying next to her grandson probably wishing the same thing as him. That sight broke his heart. It was his fault. He remembers it all too well but the thing that stuck with him the most was running out of the hospital, letting go of Jungwon's hand and locking himself in his room when he came home. Like a coward running away from his mistake. That's how he felt.

He refused seeking help like his mother told him to. He knew he didn't deserve any help. He couldn't forgive himself if he would be all happy while his Jungwon was fighting for his life on the hospital bed.

But his mother was suffering just as much as he was. She cried every night in front of his room, hoping her son would let her in or talk to her. She was apologizing over and over and over again for not being a mother he needed when he was a child. But he wasn't blaming her, he was blaming himself. And only if he got the courge to hug her but he couldn't because he thought he didn't deserve any love or anyone that cared for him. Not anymore.

His mind was replaying Jungwon every night. Jungwon that was now in the deep sleep and maybe he wouldn't even wake up. His chuckles, his smile, his eyes — every part of him was in his mind. He prayed to god that one day he could feel his touch again, even though he knew he didn't deserve it. He knew when Jungwon wakes up he wouldn't want to see him. And he wouldn't blame him.

His friends, and mainly Jake, he wanted to talk to them, wanted to see them but he was ashamed of himself. Jungwon was in hospital fighting for his life and it was all his fault. He knew they thought that too.

He turned off his phone and had no contact with the world. He refused to look at it. Instead, he just stared blankly at the wall or outside of the window praying that someone would make the pain go away.

There were some nights where he struggled the most and couldn't stop himself from looking at his phone. His fingers always led him to the gallery, ignoring everything else. He stared at Jungwon's picture for hours, letting happy memories take over his mind. But as much as it was nice, it was painful knowing one day he wouldn't get to experience the same things. It was so painful that he cried all night. His heart was in pieces and there was no way anyone would put them in their place again.

It's all your fault. It's all your fault. It's all your fault. His mind kept replaying Jungwon saying that sentances.

"Please leave me alone..." He quietly uttered breaking the silence in his room. His body was trembling just like in his dreams. His palms were sweaty. He didn't know how to stop it.

But a knock on his door made everything stop. "Heeseung?" His mother's voice changed. It wasn't the apologetic or sad one he was used to by now. It seemed softer and more joyful. "I have good news about Jungwon." He felt his heart jump at that. He immediately stood up and felt like a wave of joy rushed through his body.