Twisted Rope

Frustration

The concert finished. The applause was warm, appreciative, but he knew the performance wasn't his best. There wasn't enough depth. He could convey gloom and despair, but struggled with passion. There was warmth, but he couldn't bring out the soaring joy that he should have achieved. His emotional range seemed to be narrowed, constrained, limiting the power of his performance.

Back in his dressing room, he kicked his hold-all and paced about. Dammit. He had expected so much from these concerts. Expected so much of himself. And he had really looked forward to them. This wasn't what he wanted at all. Even more frustrating was that he wasn't sure how to fix it. Was it because of how he felt about Seri? Was his performance lacking because his life felt incomplete as well?

He headed back to the hotel with Park Hyun-ki in the car. As ever, he was supportive, encouraging.

"Don't be too hard on yourself. The Mozart piece was excellent, honestly it was. And the others were still ok. This is the first night, look forwards not back. You're still settling in."

"I know, but I really wanted to pull off something special tonight." The more he looked back on the performance, the more he could pick holes in it. It felt like a failure. It might have been good enough for some, but not for himself. 

"There's still time. There are more concerts to come. Look, why don't we grab a beer and relax a bit. I think you need to wind down."

"Ok, that's probably a good idea. I don't think I could sleep yet anyway. I want to try Seri again, but I bet she's still working."

"How much longer is this project going on? It seems to be lasting forever!"

"Tell me about it!"

They avoided the popular roof-top bar at the hotel and headed to the residents-only lounge, keen to ensure some privacy. They found a quiet table and ordered drinks. He still felt very tense. Hyun-ki was looking thoughtfully at him as if he was wondering whether to say something. He wondered if he should open up a bit more to him. After all Hyun-ki had probably worked out that things weren't right with his relationship with Seri. He was no fool. But he wasn't the sort of person who would ask lots of personal questions. Jeong-hyeok looked him in the eye and nodded his head slightly. Almost to say go on then, ask. Hyun-ki did.

"You seem unhappy. This isn't just the loss of your mother, is it? Is it to do with Seri?"

He nodded, knowing that his miserable feelings must leech out of him, in his face, through his moods, in his performance.

"I've known you and Seri for a long time now. I know she's difficult to reach at the moment, but she's distracted by work. She's always taken work very seriously. I'm sure you'll get through this."

"I just feel so frustrated. I never thought that Seri and I wouldn't be able to talk to each other."

"You will. It's just a difficult phase. All couples have times when they struggle a bit."

"I probably seem over dramatic, letting it affect me like this." He fiddled with his glass.

"Well, you care. If you didn't, it would be more worrying! And I'm sure she does too. Maybe she doesn't realise it yet. She's pushing any difficult thoughts to one side whilst she concentrates on her work. Perhaps you being here will make her realise how much she misses you."

He hoped that what Hyun-ki was saying was the truth. No question about it, Seri hadn't seemed very interested in the States tour. It wasn't like her. The two of them were having some problems and the physical distance between them wasn't really helping. At least not at this moment. But perhaps Hyun-ki had a point. Perhaps she would start to miss him.