Intangible - An ACOTAR story

Twenty: Both Ways

They trained. Every day, they trained. Azriel took Ellius to the clearing near the Sidra each afternoon and they stayed until the first stars winked to life in the sky. Now that he was beginning to understand, now that he had the truth, Azriel knew he had to help the shadowsinger. Ellius had been fighting alone for too long. Fighting the darkness he'd created to protect himself. Fighting his own mind.

"They don't own you," he said firmly, "Fight it, Smoky."

"They're too loud!" The male groaned, flopping down onto the soft grass. It had been almost two weeks since the incident at the Spring court. With Rhys' help, Ellius had explained everything he could about his shadows and Tamlin's control. Described how, unlike Azriel's own dark companions, the shadows fought him constantly. Criticised and ridiculed him, planted fear and doubt in his head and, whenever Ellius became too strong, controlled his body like a marionette.

Az strode the few steps to Ellius's side. "You can," he said calmly.

"Az! We've been at this for almost two weeks now, not to mention all the years I've spent fighting these cursed things!" He gestured at his swirling darkness, frustration lacing his whole body.

"There is a way to solve this," Az replied through gritted teeth. "There has to be a way to solve this." He joined the Shadowsinger on the ground, resting his arms on his knees and thinking. He'd thought of almost nothing else for days, let it consume him. If anyone in Prythian could find a solution to this, it should be him.

"But what if there's not?" Ellius snapped. The harshness in his voice had Az's gaze snapping to him. "What if there's no way? What if I've been right all these years and this is my lot in life?"

"It can't be," Azriel muttered. "Smoky, just... just think about my shadows. They're not-"

"I'm. Not. Like. You!" The male roared, flying to his feet. "I'm weak and I'm a coward and I hate this! I hate this!" Ellius' breaths were coming faster and faster, his shadows twisting wildly. "I hate my mother for giving me up! I hate that bastard landowner who tried to turn me into a monster! I hate the king of Hybern and Amarantha and Tamlin and I... I hate these things. I hate these stupid, useless shadows. They've never protected me. The one thing... the one thing..." Ellius bared his teeth, trying to force the words out, but Az knew what he was trying to say.

"The one thing that you thought would protect you from it all. It never did," he finished, rising to his feet as well. The sun was starting to set, but that didn't matter. Time felt oddly irrelevant as a wash of hopelessness fell across Ellius' face.

"I'm so tired," he said softly, arms going slack at his sides. "I can't keep fighting this. Them. It's like they're a part of me, and yet not. An extra limb that just gets in the way and weighs me down, but as much as I want to, I can't cut it off."

Azriel shuddered internally at the thought of losing his own shadows. They were like his second eyes and ears and without them he'd feel deaf and blind and off-balance. He knew he relied on them too much, that they'd become a crutch over the centuries, but he'd never really considered life without them. The dark, quiet haven they provided when the world became too much. Sometimes, especially in his younger years, it'd been easier to relinquish control to them entirely. To let the darkness guide him. Shield him...

"Ellius!" he gasped. The male jumped, reaching for a dagger, but Azriel just ploughed on, the idea forming in his mind like a ripple spreading over still water. "You need to let go. You need to stop fighting them."

"What? No, I can't-"

"Yes! Think about it, Smoky. You just said you've been fighting them for so long. You've been fighting against a part of yourself, and that's a battle no one can win. You are supposed to be the only one who knows yourself completely. Except," he stepped closer, trailing a finger through Ellius' shadows while holding his own at bay, "you aren't. These know you as well as you do, just as my shadows know me."

"I really don't see how this helps," Ellius sighed, though a small spark was alight again in his blue eyes. Good, Az thought, don't let that hope leave you just yet.

"Our shadows are born out of our greatest need," he continued, "or at least that would make sense. Mine allow me to hear and see what others can't. To hide and disappear. Yours are different. They shield you from others. Their purpose is, well, was to protect you from harm, or any unwanted contact. You created them at a time and place where, If I assume correctly, you never felt safe." Ellius seemed to fight a shudder as he nodded. "My point is, they're always on high alert. Their power over you comes from the fact that you are always fighting them. Threatening them. But if you stopped fighting then-"

"Then they'd stop retaliating. They'd have no reason to act. They wouldn't... they wouldn't be able to control me!" Ellius' eyes widened, the light growing.

"Exactly." Az fought the grin trying to spread across his face.

"But I can't just let go," Ellius said, face falling. "We don't know this will work and if it fails, that thing in the spring court... I might never be able to regain control. It could do damage. Hurt people. Hurt you."

"I think you underestimate me, Shadowsinger," Az replied, trying to inject some of Cassian's somewhat arrogant confidence into his tone.

"I cut you in the training ring."

"I was off guard, and technically the Serebor cut me," he smirked.

"This is not funny," Ellius muttered.

"I know."

"This is too risky."

"And it's a risk we need to take. I promised you I'd help you be free of this. This is me keeping that promise. You've just got to trust me."

"Trust goes both ways, Spymaster," Ellius said boldly. Azriel froze at the use of his title. The reminder of his role and his responsibility. "I trust you, but do you trust me? Do you trust me to be able to fight this, or to end it, if that's what it comes down to? Because I will not be responsible for causing any of you anymore pain."

"It won't come to that!" It was Azriel's turn to snap. The thought clanged through his mind again, just as it had done that day in the frozen foothills. The thought of losing Ellius. It scared him more than it should. More than was reasonable, but he didn't care.

"Do you trust me?" The male asked again, blue eyes burning. Azriel thought. Turned every moment over in his mind. Every possible pitfall, risk and consequence he could think of. He considered everything, until he realised there was nothing to consider. He'd known, he realised. Az had known from the moment he'd saved him that night in the Spring court that Ellius could be trusted. That the Shadowsinger was one of them. He'd just been too afraid of the pain of loss and betrayal to realise it.

"Yes," he breathed. "Yes. I trust you."

***I'm back! Sorry for such a long break between updates. I had a heap of exams and then i just needed a break. But i'm ready and raring to finish this story. We're about 2/3 of the way through (i think) and everything is really going to start reaching its high point soon. The next chapter is one i've been looking forward to writing since the start, so I hope you guys will enjoy it. 

Also, thank you so much for almost 1000 reads! you guys are blowing my mind! Remember to vote and comment your thoughts. :) Cya soon!***