Finding Love | ✔️

seventeen

/All the most powerful emotions come from chaos - fear, anger, love - especially love. Love is chaos itself. Think about it! Love makes no sense. It shakes you up and spins you around. And then, eventually , it falls apart."

― Kirsten Miller, The Eternal Ones/

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Time seems to be flying by. I earn more money than Eli, Aella and Parker combined. That's probably because I'm the only one with a real job. Even though it's not much, it's better than what they're used to and so I've been able to make their lives a bit more comfortable. We're almost never out of food now, and I was able to buy a couple extra blankets.

It's a rainy day, and I'm in the basement alone with Parker. Eli and Aella are off to I don't know where. Parker is fast asleep though, holding onto the blankets for dear life. I watch him sleep. His old eyes twitch occasionally, and his breathing is uneven. I think he has nightmares sometimes, for he mutters.

The fact that I'm alone makes me afraid that I'll eventually be immersed in my own thoughts, which is the last thing that I want. I don't want to think about my past at all. Keeping busy is all I've been doing, with the occasional shot of vodka at work to harness and dispose of any feelings of pain - replacing them with numbness.

I whip out a packet of cookies and begin munching on them.

"Care to share?" Parker's croaky old voice notifies me that he's awake. I hand him one and watch as he slowly brings it to his mouth. His hand is shaking and his eyes are unfocused - though solely focused on the cookie.

I think about what Eli had told me while we were up on the roof. How Parker lies to him about his parents. How his parents are still alive. I want to ask Parker about it, and, despite the little protests in my mind, the question bursts out of my mouth before I know it.

"Parker?" I begin, cautiously. "How did you end up with Eli?"

"His parents are dead. I'm the father of his mother. You already know that - so does that information not suffice?" He says wryly.

"We both know that's not true."

"Well, even if it isn't, you wouldn't understand if i told you the truth."

"Must we always understand the truth, Sir?"

He looks at me. I can see grey rings in his dark eyes. His skin is made up of layers of wrinkles, like the rings of an old tree.

Parker is the kind of person who has so much wisdom in him, simply because of his experiences. But he's chosen to ignore this, leading a life only a fool should lead. And what's worst is that he drags Eli into it. I don't understand this. I don't understand any of it. It just doesn't add up: how this man, who was in the military, now lives a poorly life, of which he locks an insanely talented boy within the shackles of his wealth - or rather his lack of it?

I say just as much to him. His face darkens.

"You don't understand, April. There's so much you can't understand, and I'm not going to tell you, because it's not in your place to know.

"What I will tell you is that everything I've done, is out of love. I'm not going to explain anything. I know that this isn't the best place for such a youngster as Eli - "

"You think?" I say bitterly.

"But it's out of love. There will come a time where you must make sacrifices for the people you love."

I think over this statement. You must make sacrifices for the people you love. I think of how Arghie let me leave. How Claudia gave me her ticket here. How -

"One day, I'll be gone, and perhaps Eli will find out the truth. But it's for the best. What I tell him now, it's for the best. An action is right insomuch that it is out of love."

"I can't understand anything if all you keep saying is 'you don't understand.'"

"It was either me or an orphanage!" Parker suddenly shouts. "He would be left to die there, and looking into Eli's little baby eyes back then, I couldn't let it happen."

"But his parents were - "

"You think they'd keep a child with AIDS? That's the first thing they did when they found out. Dumped him in a dumpster. Left him out to rot."

"I...I didn't know."

Suddenly, my mind whirls back to the orphanage. Arghavan. Arghie. That's what Arghie had.

"Aella is literally saving his life when she steals those drugs for the boy," Parker's voice quiets down, but it's still heavy and bitter. "But he doesn't know he has it. It's only a matter of time before he's done for."

"Why can't you provide him with a good home, Parker? You were in the army. Don't you usually get your benefits after retirement?"

"Like I said, April," he looks me dead in the eye, his grey rings becoming lost shadows in his face. "One must make sacrifices for love."

***

I need air. I walk out of the parking lot, breathing heavily. Parker is sure wise, but rude as hell.

I fight for air to fill my lungs. Things are spinning out of control and I'm struggling to push all the demons of my past back into their dungeon - but they're escaping. I'd been locking them up. But they're breaking out, and my stomach twists as if they grip inside of me.

I stop, out of breath, and put my hands on my knees. Beads of sweat form on my forehead. It feels like I'm having nightmares while I'm awake. I'm getting visions in my head. There's faceless mothers and jagged rulers and dead Leopalds and scary Jasons and cruel Ingrids and lonely Elis, all haunting me ruthlessly. No matter how much I try to hide them, they will always come back to have their control over me.

Before I know it, I'm out. For about two minutes, that is, because someone is jabbing my sides.

"April. April." I look up. Aella stands over me, kicking me to wake up.

"Aella," I say in surprise.

"What you doing sleeping like two minutes away from your actual bed you idiot?" She asks in a tone of which I can't decipher if she's joking or being serious.

"Sorry, I passed out."

"Whatever. Let's go back." She offers her hand to help me up and when I clasp mine into hers, she jolts me up so hard I'm about the fall over again.

"Jeez," she says bluntly. "So weak."

"What's your problem?" I suddenly say. She's been nothing but horrible to me.

"My problem is that you - " she jabs me in the chest for emphasis; " - have been trying to steal Eli away from me."

"What?"

"Eli is mine, you whøre."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, you do. And the next time I see you with him, you'll be dead meat. And I'm being serious."

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