A LONE SOUL

THE BIG DECISION

On 15 Dec'21, In the frigid winters of Delhi, wisps of smoke curled from my cigarette, dissipating into the thick smog. January in Delhi was notoriously colder than any other city on the plains. Tremors shook my frame as I smoked, every drab reminded me of the past. Memories flashed, haunting my present, amplifying the chill in the air. Smoking offered a fleeting reprieve from the tension gripping my mind.

As the numbness crept into my brain, a shrill cry pierced the silence from the bedroom. My daughter, Mayra, stirred awake. Hastily stubbing out the cigarette, I rushed inside, securing all the gates behind me. Gently, I comforted Mayra until she drifted back to sleep. Resigning myself to the restless night, I lay beside her, abandoning any hope of finding solace.

The ceiling loomed overhead, darkness threatening to engulf my soul. The distant barks of dogs shattered the stillness, refusing to yield. Fumbling for distraction, I reached for my phone, greeted by a string of WhatsApp notifications. Twenty-one messages, but none from Zahir.

Where was he? Two days without a word – was everything alright? Concern gnawed at my thoughts as I scrolled through messages from teachers, students, and family. Then, amidst the mundane chatter, a simple phrase caught my eye: "I miss you."

Jaw dropping in disbelief, I blocked the number without hesitation, flipping my phone face down to escape further interruptions. Nearly eleven, and sleep remained elusive, a rare commodity when desperately sought.

Restless, I tossed and turned, grappling with memories that refused to fade. The haunting melody of a song echoed in my mind, stirring both wonder and anger. Try as I might to silence the echoes, they persisted, growing more vivid with each passing moment.

A hazy image emerged from the depths of memory, his voice echoing in the recesses of my mind. "Please don't sing," I'd pleaded, laughter punctuating the exchange. But then, a darker memory intruded, a painful reminder of what once was but could never be again.

Tears welled, unbidden, only to be swiftly brushed aside as Mayra stirred once more. Faking composure, I wiped away the evidence of my turmoil, resentment simmering beneath the surface.

Six months in Delhi, yet still struggling to find my footing. Were it not for Zahir, navigating this unfamiliar terrain would have been an insurmountable challenge. His absence now cast a shadow over my thoughts, a void I couldn't shake.

With trembling hands, I reopened WhatsApp, heart sinking at the sight of his offline status. Summoning courage, I sent a tentative question mark, anxiety gnawing at my resolve. The perils of harbouring feelings for a married man laid bare in the uncertainty of his response.

My encounter with Zahir had been fortuitous, a chance meeting arranged by a mutual friend. Juhi, sensing my need for companionship and the loss I was going through, had insisted we connect. Reluctant at first, but the scars of my past made me suffer so badly that I was slowly progressing towards depression, and finally I decided that may be a conversation with an unknown one will bring me a breath of relief.

"Rules, set rules," I told myself. "Don't wash away in emotion again and make yourself more practical this time. Moreover it is not the relation you are willing to go a long way with but instead it is just a relief from what you are going through....."

My first call was more of an instructive one. I was dictating and Zahir like a student kept on listening to my words adding a pinch of laughter here and there ocassionaly.

"I will talk only when I want," I'd stipulated.

"No calls, no questions if I don't initiate." An infectious laughter that reassured me comforting in its sheer sincerity.

Our conversations became a lifeline, a respite from the suffocating monotony of my existence. First we started discussing the general things around us. Beginning from how we are to what we did was generally the topic including at occasions how the world is changing and how political arena is influencing many. Zahir was an intellectual man less into obscene talks but more into reasoning and debating. He had warmth and humour that spiced the talk and breathed new life into my weary soul. Sailing through the sea of pain and torment, my weary life found a sense of relief and happiness in this new blooming relation that can't be categorised into a love affair nor into a friendship. He became a beacon of light in the darkness.

As days turned to weeks, our bond deepened, the prospect of meeting in person looming ever closer. Friday, 12 June'21 marked the day when we decided to meet in person, a decision that both thrilled and terrified me. With each passing moment, the weight of my choices bore down, threatening to crush me beneath their burden. Long before the meeting the situations were threating at my home front. The recent events have made my mind crippled and left me with no alternative choices made.

The same year in February I had been through multiple surgery. The forceful relation that was pressurised on me left me with nothing but to surrender in bed whenever he wanted. His alcoholic breath terrified me to my core, struggling for few minutes I used to tell myself that it is only going to make it more painful. My mind suggested me to lie down like a dead body which can make his work easier and my torment lesser. After a few minutes of his continued struggle he used to complete his task and lie down turning hes face to the other side that made me felt more horrible.

"Am I not worth seeing, is this the only thing that connected us", questions like these even haunt my present. My continuous urge of using condom went futile in front of his uncontrollable desire of dominating me in bed. Every time he pushed himself on me, I conceived........continuous abortion pills have already left my body with nothing. Scars have run deep into my soul and left me with nothing but agony of a life time.

This time stepping out of my marital relation was the need of the hour. I was tormented to an extent that I lost control of myself existence. Devoid of my dignity and cruel treatment of my husband made me question my own existence. His abusive addressal all through these years wiped my memory and sometimes I even forgot my name. My life was devoid of all the marital attachments that a wife is liable to claim for. Sailing through the seas I finally found a sense of relief with the new bond that I recently developed with Zahir.

Determined to seize control of my destiny, I embarked on a journey into the unknown. Clad in a crimson saree, I left behind the familiar confines of home, stepping into a future fraught with uncertainty. Little did I know, this single decision would alter the course of my life forever.