A LONE SOUL

Triumph Amidst Trials

                                   

Even with the positive changes in my life, Prabhas remained resistant to working in any position he deemed menial. My attempts to suggest alternative options were met with abuse, as he belittled my efforts and dismissed my opinions. Despite these challenges, I pressed on, determined to create a better future for myself and my son. In the face of adversity, my job in Meerut and the chance to provide a good education for my son became beacons of hope. With each passing day, I forged ahead, embracing the opportunities that came my way, and steadfastly working towards a brighter tomorrow, even if Prabhas chose to remain on the sidelines.

Despite the hurdles, I persisted in my studies and achieved a significant milestone by completing my M.A. from a government college, where I proudly secured the top position in the entire institution. Additionally, I made strides in my professional career, securing a position as a PGT English teacher at my professor's school.

My professor, recognizing my dedication and talent, generously offered admission to both of my children and provided them with free education. It was a blessing that eased the burden of their schooling expenses. Understanding the importance of further qualifications, I enrolled in a B.Ed. program, recognizing it as a necessary step for my career advancement.

After six years of marriage, Prabhas finally decided to work, securing a menial job at a firm that provided him with a monthly income of fifteen thousand rupees. However, despite his employment, his habit of excessive drinking and spending time with friends persisted, leaving me feeling neglected and alone.

Prabhas rarely spent time with me, and he never opened up about his thoughts or feelings. Despite my efforts to bridge the gap between us, our marriage remained strained, with communication at an all-time low. Yet, amidst the challenges, I remained resolute in my pursuit of a better future for myself and my children, finding solace in my career achievements and the opportunities that lay ahead.

At last, my B.Ed final year exams approached in June, and I was again occupied with my studies as it was the only way to escape the harsh realities of life. The last time I had a conversation with Prabhas was almost three months ago. It was not even a conversation, just a question that led to brutal physical abuse, and which forced me to file a complaint. It was my second last paper, and it was raining heavily outside. I remember calling Prabhas and requesting him to drop me to the center. It was already quarter to seven, and Prabhas was in bed switching direction. I crept close to him in my saree and called him, "please take me to the center, I am already late." I was in the middle of my statement when he pulled me onto the bed. His hand went to my wrist, which fixed my gesture towards him. I could feel his breath all over my body. Suddenly, he opened my legs and went in between. I was continuously telling him to stop, struggling in bed to get off his hold, but there I was all helpless in front of this man... with the jerk of his body, I screamed... Next moment, there he was, right next to me again, wiping himself. I got up struggling with the pain that I had been through. My lower abdomen was paining, and I was struggling to stand still on my legs. It was already 7 am, and I knew that I was going to be late for my exam. I decided to go on my own. I left home without a raincoat and reached half an hour late at the center. I entered the hall, all wet, my eyes filled with tears, and looked for my seat. I wiped my hands and started my paper. My heart was still screaming, and my hands were running through the sheets as if it was my last chance to escape this fate.

The next morning, I was scrolling through my new WhatsApp group, where I had been successful in adding almost 1400 students of class 10 and 12 in the past 2 months for free English classes on Saturday and Sunday. The classes were running smoothly on Google Meet, and I was receiving a huge response. I was able to reach students of Kota, Rajasthan. My group link was everywhere, and I was occupied all day in teaching, devising plans for strategic preparation of students, and on how to extend my work for the betterment of my future.

It had been a few days since I received a message from Zahir...

"How have you been? You didn't message me for a few days."

I was smiling at the message. Finally, someone asked me how I am. I replied instantly, "I am good. I was a little bit occupied these days."

"I hope I have not offended you in any way, that day," he wrote.

"No, no... will call you after some time," I quickly kept my phone on the shelf, as I heard Prabhas calling out the kids.

It was the end of June when I got to know that the last paper of B.Ed was postponed due to the COVID condition in our city. The situation at home was already worse. I was brutally beaten in April just for asking about the online loan that Prabhas took without my knowledge and used my IDs instead. And before that, in February, I was forced to undergo a tubectomy because I conceived, and I went for abortion pills. This situation happened every few months where I was forced to have unprotected sex, and later whenever I conceived, I was helpless and went for oral pills for abortion. It ruined me mentally, physically, and emotionally. But in February, the abortion pills didn't work, and I was compelled to go for tubectomy. I decided to operate since I was not willing to have any more kids; moreover, I thought that my life was almost finished, there was nothing left in it.

This phase of life had been really difficult for me, with no one by my side to share my problems with. I lost everything, my confidence, smile, peace, and sleep. This marriage brought me nothing but trauma. I kept on bearing it for years looking at my kids' faces and compromising my dream. Life went on, and after eleven years, finally, there was someone with whom I was able to connect, but now I was not the same. My ideology, thoughts, and perspective of love and being loved had totally transformed. But one thing that I was able to discover with Zahir's company was my self-existence. ...........................

Present day found me at school in Delhi where I was sitting with Megha, my colleague, and a sheer support during my stay. She was more than a friend, and believe me, she played the role of a family member. My kids got attached to her, and she equally loved them, brought them gifts, and comforted them with her jovial nature. I will always remain in debt to her, for she was the only one after Zahir whom I trusted.

The attraction towards him was maybe due to my confinement through years of seclusion from the people around me. But there was no doubt that his presence in my life boosted my confidence level and made me feel wanted.