A LONE SOUL

A New Destination

In the cold Delhi winter, tendrils of smoke spiraled from my cigarette, dissolving into the surrounding smog. I have started smoking often since I left Meerut.....may be the warmth of the smoke brought me a sense of mental relief. The sudden relief of overthinking due to the nicotine created a sense of ease in my whole body. I have always dreamt of hugs more than kisses. For me a sheer relief of hug was a different phenomenon. I learned that this simple gesture of soothing ones emotion has a deep sense of making one feel wanted and loved more than any other bodily pleasure ever felt by one. The definition of hugs, though simple one was totally altered by my first ever crush in my school time. Those were the days when there was no access to any technology, no knowledge gained from social media, only a pure sense of emotion that defied you and your childish longing for the other. It sends tickle down my spine even today when I remember the days lost in the past and now only few memories of it remained as a lesson for life.

Anoop redefined the whole definition of love during my school days when I was just in class 11. We never kissed but the way he looked at me and passed his messages filled me with a sense of excitement. Friends at first and buddies in front of everyone, when I formed such a deep relationship with him was still not known to me. He made me felt wanted at first, for the way he hugged ,me when I told him about what I had started feeling for me. Till the day when I decided to meet Zahir I never got that sense of warmth that I received from Anoop. Being in marital relation with Prabhas changed all my desires into a toiling labour that gave me nothing, not even peaceful sleeps at night...............

January in Delhi held a biting chill unmatched by other cities. As I smoked, my body trembled uncontrollably, my bones aching with the cold air brushing against my face. Each drab stirred memories of the past, haunting my present and deepening the chill within me. Despite not being a habitual smoker, cigarettes offered a fleeting escape from the burdens weighing on my mind. Just as a numbing haze settled in my brain, a shrill cry pierced the air from the bedroom. My daughter, Mayra, stirred awake. Hastily stubbing out the cigarette, I rushed inside, securing all the gates behind me. With a gentle touch, I comforted Mayra until she drifted back to sleep. Lying beside her, I resolved to abandon any further attempts to soothe my troubled mind.

Staring at the ceiling, darkness threatened to consume me. Only the persistent barks of dogs outside broke the oppressive stillness. I reached for my phone, hoping for distraction in the form of WhatsApp messages. Twenty-one notifications greeted me, yet none from Zahir.

Where was he? Two days without a word filled me with unease. My thoughts consumed by his absence, I scrolled through messages from teachers, students, and family, until one message stopped me in my tracks: "I miss you." Jaw dropping in disbelief, I promptly blocked the number, unwilling to entertain unexpected intrusions into my life. Had these intrusion been made earlier I would have never been forced to step out of the house that I built with pain and all the blood that flowed in my veins. Everything presented itself in front of my eyes, as if it was a thing of present more than that of past.

I was rushing through the corridor to check the stack of cement and bricks left for it was the day when finally the toiling would proof to be fruitful. I managed to get loan from the bank against my gold and my father supported me with three lacs of rupees, thinking that building first floor would help me and my kids to get some space from the everyday fights that ruined our nights everyday. The day my daughter was born I decided that I am going to make separate place for her since her security was more important for me than anything else in the whole world. I was on my maternity leave for three months and that was when I decided to create a separate place for my family. Days of toiling and collecting money from the ones I trusted supported me in fulfilling my dream. It took me three years to complete what I wanted and three terms of loan taken and repaid with single salary. Since there was no support from Prabhas, i sold most of my silver and major gold items. But I remained strong till the end as I never imagined that one day I would decide to leave everything that I built and decorated with my blood and flesh in order to escape this brutal oppression. I gave the best education to my kids, completed my own education during these eleven years and withstood time and its cruel test, the only reason behind lack of determinism of taking the bold step were my kids and their happiness. I never wanted to devoid them of love that I missed during my childhood. My father worked in a crude oil company in Muscat and visited once a year.........those days were really hard for me and I never wanted my kids to face the same...................

All these flashbacks made my toiling for the sleep senseless. Despite the late hour, sleep remained elusive as I tossed and turned, memories of the past swirling like a cassette tape in my mind. A haunting song echoed, stirring both wonder and anger, refusing to be silenced. How difficult and cruel life has been, I wondered. Try as I might to suppress the memories, they persisted, their hold on me unyielding.

The blurry images of the past grew more vivid, until I could almost feel his presence beside me. As tears welled, I hastily wiped them away, there was no way I could let my emotion hinder my presence. Six months in Delhi, since I left Meerut and still struggling to find my identity and creating my own path with kids beside me was a haunting experience. Had I never been completed my studies on time, it would have been impossible for me find a job. But the job I was in was just a contractual one and may be coming year was going to be more tough and a painful one. Without Zahir's and Nishat's support, navigating this unfamiliar terrain would have been impossible for me but I thanked almighty for keeping me under the bower of his illuminance that I was not standing on the road but was able to make a living.

Turning to my phone once more, I checked his WhatsApp, finding him offline. Tentatively, I sent a question mark, my heart pounding with uncertainty. The pitfalls of harboring feelings for a married man laid bare in the silence that followed.

Reflecting on how I'd met Zahir, memories flooded back of Juhi's insistence that I reach out to him. A turbulent relationship spanning a decade had left me reeling, seeking solace in the comfort of a friend. Setting clear boundaries, I reached out to Zahir, his warmth and humor offering a welcome reprieve from my troubles.

Despite the late hour, I found myself drawn to the warmth of his voice. Engaging in light banter, I couldn't help but marvel at his infectious laughter. His genuine concern touched me, a stark contrast to the toxicity I'd known for so long.

As dawn approached, I made preparations to meet Zahir on Friday, 12 June 2021, determined to seize control of my destiny. Breaking free from the shackles of my past, I embarked on a journey into the unknown, leaving behind the familiar comforts of home with each step. There was np sense of guilt or betrayal that held my steps. I was resolved that I have full right to pursue my dreams and to be happy. I am willing to explore my life leaving the bondages of the past.

Little did I know, this decision would alter the course of my life in ways I could never have imagined. With uncertainty looming on the horizon, I stepped boldly into the unknown, ready to embrace whatever fate had in store. I had no idea about the upcoming changes, my whole definition of existence and life would change the ideology that I carried for so long.