ＨＩＳ ＡＦＴＥＲＧＬＯＷ - A Mafia Fiction

14- Guilt Trip (A)

__________

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing,

You say I am strong when I think I am weak.

And you say I am held when I am falling short,

And when I don't belong, oh you say I am yours

__________

Okay, I fucked up.

I swallow my masculinity, and I own that.

When Noah rushed to me, scampering and stuttering, telling me to see Amyra, I froze on the ground I stood on. I looked at the screen, her petite body backing into the mattress as she screamed, her legs spread and arms thrashing wildly. I punched the computer, damaging the screen, and told Noah to get her.

To get my kitten back to me.

It has been twenty days. I watched her once a day, and mostly she stared at the wall, murmuring things. She gazed at her hands, said some math aloud, and that comforted me, knowing that she hadn't lost her mind.

Then I went to Italy for a week.

Everything went to shit.

I returned this morning, almost decided on freeing Amyra. And I ended up doing that. And now, as she wakes up from her disturbed sleep, her eyes fluttering in front of me, I end up feeling guilty. I know she tried to kill herself, but that gave me no right to subject her to that torture.

She opens her eyes wide, instantly focusing on the monitor beeping behind her. Her eyes bounce between all the colors, a small smile making its way to her lips. She freezes on the white blinds, and then I enter her field of vision, my navy-blue shirt catching her attention, "Hello, kitten," I say softly, my voice emitting a kindness I had never felt before.

She looks at me glazed, and I extend my hand toward her.

Then she screams, making me step back in sorrow.

"P-Please, I'm sorry! I-I--I'll tell you all I know, I p-promise! I don't want t-to g--go back there, I'll obey you, p-please, I-" she stutters, her helplessness physically gripping my heart painfully.

"Stop," I murmur, folding my hands, looking at the ground as she once again brings up tears in me.

She sobs loudly, "I'm sorry, I won't try to escape- I'm sorry, I-"

"Amyra, don't apologize," I say.

It was my fault.

"What do you want me to do? Y-You can even k-kill me if you want, just-- no white!" she yells, chewing on her lower lip.

"I don't want you to do anything!" I say, inwardly pleading for her forgiveness.  "You can relax, Amyra, I won't hurt you," I try to comfort her, and she tilts her head at me, the fire inside her dead.

I killed that.

I killed her.

"O-Okay," she stutters, making me sigh in sorrow. She's so, so scared of me.

Because of me.

"Would you rather talk to Noee, kitten?" I ask her, my hands rubbing together, my eyes cast downwards as tears well up. She keeps her gaze on her lap, fiddling with her fingers. I look at her imploringly, tears finally making their way to my face and she suddenly looks up, making me turn around.