Jaylor One Shots

Contemplation

tw// death/suicide

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"Have you ever contemplated death?" She asks absentmindedly, her hand holding onto his arm that's wrapped around her body. The two are having a lazy morning, they're going to his parents place for dinner tonight and she's looking forward to it. They've been dating six months now, probably too early for a conversation like this but Taylor can't help it - she's curious as to whether she'd been alone in her thoughts. 

"Contemplated? No." She watches as his eyebrows furrow, "Thought about? I mean I suppose it's a part of human nature to wonder what death would bring - whether it truly is the end of something. It scares me if I'm completely honest." His words keep Taylor silent, perhaps her thoughts had been abnormal - she doesn't really have anyone else to ask. She just sighs, enjoys his arms around her on this peaceful Sunday morning - she's not about to ruin their day over something from her past. 

"Why do you ask?" He murmurs, gently stroking her shoulder. She should've known he wouldn't just leave it there, he's always been good at reading her - knowing when there's a purpose behind her words. 

"I dunno, guess I was just curious." She trails off, not wanting to add more to the discussion. 

"Taylor, have you contemplated death?" Her heart stops for a moment, why on earth did she bring this up? She notes that his voice holds no judgement, that his arms are still firmly around her. 

"I mean...I guess, a while ago." Her voice is stiff, anyone could tell she's uncomfortable. But how do you tell someone you were ready to take your own life over something so fickle as the opinions of people who don't know you? How do you tell the person who had no clue about any of this that they are the reason you didn't ever follow through? 

"You can tell me about it, no judgement - I promise." Six months. Is six months with him enough to bare one of her deepest and darkest thoughts? She supposes their six months have been different from anyone else's. They've fallen fast, she trusts him more than just about anyone now. He's worked with her so carefully to carve out their relationship. Maybe she can tell him this. It's been eating away at her recently and she kind of wants to just get it off her chest.

"It was back when we were just friends, having an occasional scrabble game. My whole life was in shambles, it felt like everyone hated me. Honestly it felt like only a matter of time before even you decided to hate me. The amount of angry texts and calls I was getting was just too much. So I thought, for a while, that maybe death would be easier - more peaceful. I'd figured it all out, I was going to go out in some poetic way - somewhere my security could find me rather than my parents, god knows finding something like that could've killed my mother." She feels his arms tighten around her, as though stopping her from ever thinking like that again. "I knew which night I was going to do it, it's stupid I know - dying over something so meaningless. But to me? I was drowning and I didn't see an escape. So yeah, there you go." Taylor can't even look at him, she's ashamed of herself. 

"What stopped you?" His voice is soft, his fingers delicately tracing patterns on her arm - obviously trying to make her feel comfortable. 

"You asked me to meet you that night in the dive bar." Her voice is so low, she isn't sure she wants to be heard. But he does, of course he does. She feels herself being pulled tightly in for a hug, one she really needs. 

"Well, now I'm even more glad I text you that night." He murmurs, his lips pressing against her head. She feels protected and understood. Maybe he doesn't understand completely, but he's making her feel like she's not alone. 

"I regret those thoughts y'know." She says quietly after a long silence. "I would have missed out on everything that's become important to me since." 

"You don't have to regret them, you were going through a rough time. What's important is that you didn't do it - focus on that. You pulled yourself away from those thoughts eventually. And you don't have them anymore, right?" Taylor shakes her head, not even a chance of that anymore. "Okay, promise me if you start to feel like that again you'll tell me? We'll get you through it, don't suffer in silence." His voice is firm, she can tell he's really trying to get the message across. 

"I promise." She mumbles, looping her arms up around his shoulders. She's so grateful for him, he's always been like this - honest and understanding. And she feels a bucketload better having revealed that to him. Her mental state during that time had obviously not been the best, and it's been eating her alive for a while. Laying awake at night wondering what right she had to feel that way. But Joe doesn't dismiss her, he just makes sure she knows she isn't alone anymore. 

Y'know I love you, right?" He murmurs, his hand gently running through her hair. 

"I love you too." She smiles, finally looking up at him. She presses her lips to his. "Thank you." She says sincerely, doesn't elaborate on what she's thankful for but she knows he gets it. He smiles at her, pulling her back against his body, letting her cuddle into him. Today is for them, she's been looking forward to it for a while now - happy that even with their crazy busy schedules, they always have time for days like this. She loves letting him in, in the same way she loves when he tells her things about him or his past. They've formed a bubble around themselves, it's a very happy place - they rely on one another, happy to finally have found the right person to share their lives with. In a world where Taylor feels unsafe most days, he's her safe place, everything else melts away when she's with him. She loves him to the point where she doesn't really know what to do with herself anymore, but she wouldn't have it any other way. 

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I'll make the next one fluffier guys I promise!