Slipping Through My Fingers | Xicheng

Chapter 6

"Some people say that life is too short to worry about all your small mistakes. That you should move on and don't look back, and just try not to do it again in the future. I think they are wrong. Or... well, not entirely correct.

It's true that worrying about everything can be draining, but correcting your mistakes is beneficial in the long run. Don't take it the wrong way. There is no need for perfection as even perfection can be flawed, just empower yourself in self-reflection.

When you have a free minute, think about why you made a mistake? What went wrong? The power of ratiocination is magnificent. You simply need to connect the dots of your own actions and try to remember your thought process. We do some things subconsciously, and sometimes we don't notice it for a long time. Everything happens for a reason, we just need to find out what that reason is."

This is one of the lectures of Lan Qiren, that Wei Wuxian has been thinking a lot about lately. Well, one of those he actually remembers, because he was paying attention for once.

He tended to do that a lot. Think about his actions, what led to them, and if they were the right ones. Even to him, the answer wasn't always clear. The things that were righteous to do, were not always good for others. With time he realized that sometimes he should have consulted someone before taking action.

The thing occupying a big portion of his mind some time ago was the core transfer. At that point he was certain that he was doing what was best for his brother, but after Jiang Cheng found out the truth he started to doubt his actions. Was it really the best for him, or did he just think less of his Didi? Did he do that out of love, or out of his sense of duty, and because he always kind of felt like he had a debt to pay?

It's sad, but the look Jiang Cheng gave him when they met after the revelation made him even sadder. Something squeezed his heart at that moment and he wasn't sure what it was himself. Guilt perhaps? Why did he doubt him? Maybe Jiang Wanyin would be fine even without his golden core, after all his cultivation wasn't all off him, that he could offer to the world. His capability was way more powerful, he rebuilt Lotus Pier all on his own after all. Of course people might have looked down at him, if he would have led a sect without cultivation powers, and it would have been more difficult to recruit new disciples, but if someone could do that it for sure was A-Cheng.

But he had to play the hero, hadn't he? Without even asking about his opinion. Of course Jiang Cheng would have most probably said no, but he still should have asked for his consent. He can't say how their life would have rolled on if things were different, and he wouldn't have to turn to demonic cultivation for survival. No one can really say if the Wens would have won or not. No one can say if the dead would have survived or if the living would have died. All he can do is move on and think about a better way to do things. He has to take into account other people's feelings.

Now he was sitting anxiously alongside Lan Wangji in Yunmeng's Breeze Inn, while the Innkeeper looked at them with a scowl on her face and some customers gave them side eyes.

"Well, this is awkward," Wei Wuxian said, putting down his tea cup. "But certainly not weird. Everyone here loves Jiang Cheng, and anyone with some connotations to Gusu Lan Sect won't be welcomed here for at least some time. Not till the hard feelings subside."

"Mn," Lan Wangji sipped on his tea, trying to appear calm, but Wei Wuxian knew him better than that. He was worried sick about this situation.

During those sixteen years of his absence Lan Zhan and Jiang Cheng came to be quite close. Mostly because they both had children to raise and Jiang Cheng already had some experience with A-Tian. Because of his seclusion Lan Zhan had to entrust A-Yuan to Lan Xichen, and that basically started the growth of their romantic relationship. Naturally, Lan Wangji was more than skeptical about that whole ordeal of co-parenting.

What was his brother thinking, taking his son to the man he despised the most at that time? But with time he saw how happy A-Yuan was everytime when they just came back, or were departing for Lotus Pier. He was even happier, when his friends were the ones visiting him, as he was able to show them his favorite places at Cloud Recesses, especially the bunny field. His son loved playing with bunnies when he was little, and to be truthful, he still does, and that's something that warms Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji's hearts.

They were all glad that their boys didn't have to live through the atrocities that they were forced to witness in their youth. The atrocities that forever scarred them in one way or another. What happened at Guanyin Temple was terrible, but it was nothing compared to war, and constant killings. It was just a single drop of water when compared to the flood, that was the loss of their houses. It's something that's hard to forget, and stopping those memories from shaping the rest of your life is even more difficult.

That's why with the passage of time A-Zhan and A-Cheng allowed bygones to be bygones, for the sake of their future. People felt instantly better in their presence, when they weren't trying to kill each other with their glares, throwing invisible daggers at each other. However, the animosity between them came back when Wei Wuxian returned. It wasn't as strong as before though. All those years together couldn't be that easily forgotten.

"Does Xichen really think of kneeling in front of Lotus Pier gates till Jiang Cheng will let him in?"

"Mn. Brother knew there would be a need for a solid apology. We didn't expect divorce though," he replied, looking out the window at the landscape of the Yunmeng River. "Jiang Cheng may eventually come to understand once brother explains everything to him, but I am worried about A-Tian. He loves A-Cheng and is very protective of him. When he was still a young boy and Xichen was courting Jiang Cheng, he made him promise that he would never intentionally hurt his Baba. Brother broke that promise."

Wei Wuxian hummed in agreement. "True true, Ren Tian is an amazing young man, very virtuous like Lan Xichen, but he also has his father's and grandmother's temperament. You saw how he threw the food at Zewu-jun. He had so much rage in his eyes, that I have truly thought for a moment that he would punch him."

Lan Wangji smiled sadly. "He's very hurt. And it pains him even more that the person he loves so much hurt another person dear to him. I understand him a little bit, although our situations are different. I was angry at my father for locking our mother away from us, for leaving her alone. When I grew up I hated him, and I thought that it would have been better if he never married her. The type of life she had to live, was it worth that love that they supposedly felt for each other? I rarely spoke to him after her death, never forgiving him for abandoning her. I believed that even love wasn't worth such a great suffering, especially if the said suffering could have been avoided. I still have mixed feelings about it to this day."

Lan Wangji usually didn't speak that much to other people, but with Wei Ying his tongue often got loose, and he couldn't be happier about it. He feels honored to be his husband's safe harbor.

***

Lan Xichen has been kneeling in the punishment posture for many hours already, and he was ready to kneel there for as long as it's necessary in order to gain his husband and son's forgiveness. The disciples that guarded the gate and those who passed by him gave him looks that were a mixture of pity and disgust towards his person. Truthfully, he wasn't surprised in the slightest. They respected him for so many years and he stomped upon that respect and trust with his atrocious behavior.

Hours did eventually turn into days, four to be precise. Wangji and Wei Wuxian tried to make him drink and eat something but he refused. He didn't care about himself. He just wanted to explain his mistake and be back home, with his family.