Ticking All The Boxes

It's Kev

"What does this mean?" Erin asked, turning to Holtzmann, cuddling into her. The room was dark, and thankfully they hadn't been called to a bust, giving them the rest of the night together. Holtzmann lay a kiss on Erin's forehead.
"What do you want it to mean?" Holtz replied. Erin hesitated, "I want it to mean I'm yours, and you are mine," the woman paused, "what do you want it to mean?" Holtzmann swallowed softly, Erin looking up at her, "I meant what I said Erin, I love you. And I want to be yours too, I want you to be mine." Erin nodded into the blonde's chest, a smile on her face. Holtzmann pulled the blanket tighter around then and the two women drifted off into a happy sleep.

Holztmann was the first to stir in the morning, looking down to a softly snoring Erin, the red head was still snuggled into her and Holtzmann couldn't wait to go to bed again that night just so she could wake again with Erin in her arms. The blonde looked at her watch, it was early, only approaching six am so she snuggled back into Erin and tried the get some more sleep.

It was the front door that woke them, the banging footfalls of their receptionist Kevin and the slamming of the front door. "It's Kev," whispered Holtzmann as Erin slowly roused, nodding. The older woman sat up a little, smiling at her partner, Holtzmann grinning back. "I'm excited to take you out tonight," Holtzmann  croaked, Erin nodding. "Where are we going to go?" Holztmann shrugged, "I have an idea or two." "Oh I'm intrigued," Erin replied, stroking Holtzmann's bare legs, 'Thank you for an amazing night.' Holtzmann just smiled, tightening her arms on her now girlfriend. Erin sat up, moving to the edge of the bed. "I'm gonna shower," she said as she stood up, Holtzmann drinking in her naked body as she stood there and Erin felt comfortable, no longer self conscious and she turned to Holtzmann, the woman's naked body half exposed in the bedsheets and Erin licked her lips, winking at the blonde.

Holtzmann lay in her bed, going over the events of the night before and smiling, never did she think she'd finally be loving Erin as freely as she day dreamed it. The blonde couldn't wait for this next chapter to begin and she finally felt ready to settle down, Erin had always been the one for her even after they had first met. Holztmann had gone out on a couple of dates and was always looking for Erin's approval, although most of the time she was met with scrutiny, she's too young, she's a little rude, she dresses weird, I don't know Holtzmann's she seems a little full of herself. And holtzmann always respected her opinion, especially because, deep down  she felt seeing these other women were just to pass the time until she could make a move with Erin but at the same time she felt she was seeing them as back up, in case her feelings were one sided. Eventually Holtzmann stopped the dating altogether, confusing herself when she found herself kissing someone, but wanting it to be Erin. So she threw herself into her work and focused on that, plus it meant spending more time with Erin and that's really what she wanted. Holztmann sighed, thinking back to when she had promised herself she wouldn't settle unless her heart was truly happy and that was Erin, and she'd rather be alone than not with her.

Holtzmann sat up in bed, she could hear the creak of the pipes which told her Erin was still in the shower and so she climbed out of bed, threw on some loose clothes and sat at her desk, going through some of her blue prints from the last few days. A little more excited now to share them with her colleague, and Erin was always the first to see Holtz's new plans and they would sit discussing the pros and cons and Erin would help with any calculations. Holztmann got to work on tweaking some of her plans, a smile on her face as she heard the creaks cease and she looked towards the bathroom door, eager to see Erin walk back in.

Erin quickly showered and then sighed as she looked at herself in the mirror, losing count of the amount of times she and Holtzmann had been in the bathroom together, the red head always bandaging something that Holtzmann had injured. Erin swallowed hard, looking at her reflection, and tears stung her eyes. She suddenly felt overwhelmed, her love for Holtz and the love for her work, suddenly it was too much. She let the tears fall, wiping them hastily away but they kept falling and the woman couldn't stop them. She exhaled hard, clasping her hands to her face and sobbing into them. She sniffed hard, looking at herself in the mirror, feeling sick to her stomach knowing she had made the wrong decision.
She quickly dried herself and dressed, her face red from her tears and she splashed some cool water on her face, not that it helped. She walked slowly through the door and the beautiful blonde looked up for her desk, smiling at Erin but then standing up quickly. "Er?" Holztmann whispered softly, "You okay?" Erin nodded slowly but her face scrunched up and she began to sob again, and the blonde rushed over to her, taking her in her arms, the  doctor sobbing into her shoulder.
"Erin, babe? What is it?"
Erin continued to cry, shaking her head into Holtzmann's shoulder.
"Er. You can tell me." Erin shook her head again, slowly pulling away from her lovers embrace and wiping her eyes and nose with her sleeve.
"I think the reality of this," Erin pointed to herself and Holtzmann," of us, just hit me." Holtzmann nodded, confused with Erin's comment,"You don't want this now?" Erin sniffed, and looked into Holtzmann's blue eyes, "I don't know if I can give you this. I don't think I can give you all of me, completely." The blonde shook her head, even more confused now, and she put her hands on the side of Erin's shoulders, squeezing.
"Talk to me Er, please."
"I don't know if I can do this."
"Why? I'm so confused."
"No one will understand, I don't want to be judged. I've been judged my entire life. Things are expected of me, and.."
"And I don't fit that mould for you."
"No, it's not that-"
"It sounds like it is Erin."
"It's not, it's just I want us to be accepted and we won't be."
"Erin," Holtzmann said her hands still on Erin's shoulders,"who isn't going to accept this?"
Erin exhaled loud, "I've been judged and teased my whole life, I'm the Ghost Girl remember and I can't go through that again." Holtzmann stepped back, "So you want to give up on us? Because you're afraid?" Erin nodded slowly, "but Erin, you're the only happiness I've known. We make each other happy." Holtzmann shook her head, "And you're giving up on happiness because you're worried about being judged?" Holtzmann brought her hands to her head, "Help me here Erin I need to understand." Erin could tell Holtzmann wasn't about to try to convince her of anything, Erin knew her too well, she was respectful even if she disagreed, but she could tell Holztmann was hurt. "I just can't," Erin started, "I thought I could but I can't." Holtzmann stepped back, looking away from Erin and to the wall, not focusing on anything, but feeling the anger and hurt and frustration that was building up inside her. "You love me," Holtzmann said slowly, still not looking at Erin, "but we can't be together because you're afraid?" Erin sobbed, nodding, "It's not that simple Jill." Holtzmann looked down to the ground, then turned back to her desk, rushing over to it, picking up her robe and keys, and pushed past Erin. "Jilly, please," Erin called out through her tears. "Please can we talk." "About what?," Holtzmann stopped at the door and turned to Erin, "I love you Erin, God I've fucking been in love with you since the moment we met." "I love you too Jillian," Erin whispered as almost a peace offering. "Yet you can't be with me because you're afraid," Holtzmann said angrily and ran down the stairs, Erin hearing the front door slam behind her and then Kevin calling out a jovial goodbye.

Erin slunk to her desk, sitting in her chair, her head in her hands and she sobbed, she cried and cried, tears running uncontrollably down her face.