I Chose Myself

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"H-Hindi ko alam, F-Faliha, please.." he begged as I try to free myself from his grip. Para akong nasusunog dahil sa hawak niya, at hindi ko na kayang magtagal pa. I have to go away from this fucking house and this fucking person bago pa ako mawalan ng bait sa sakit.

I knelt beside him, nagliwanag naman ang mata niya nang ginawa ko iyon pero ako ay nanatiling malamig ang titig sa kaniya and with all the energy left within me, sinampal ko siya.

"You may not have known that she's pregnant but you still fucked her. At ano, ngayon ay nagbunga! Kahit na hindi mo siya gusto ay wala kang karapatang abandunahin ang bata at magpakasal sa akin! I will never ever forget this day, at kahit na magpakasal man tayo ay hindi mawawala ang sakit na pinaparamdam mo sa akin ngayon! Hindi ko kayang atimin na isiping may isa na namang bata ang mawawalan ng tatay dahil sa isang babae." I cried. Naalala ang kabataan ko na walang ama na nakapatnubay. It was always Nanay, it was always her.

At kahit na hindi nagtagal ay may dumating na lalaki sa buhay ni Nanay, hindi pa rin ako nakuntento. A part of me still longs for something more. The love of my biological father.

"Alam mong ayaw ko ng ganoon dahil ako mismo ay naranasan iyon! I don't ever want a child to feel alone and left out like me dahil lang ayaw siyang panagutan ng ama! Gumising ka, Aaron! That is your child we're talking about!"

Napahilamos na lang ako ng mukha dahil sa sakit. His tight grip slowly becomes weak.

"F-Faliha, lasing ako no'n! We...we we're fighting back then kaya ko iyon naggawa—" my hand met his cheek once more.

"Kahit na gaano ka pa kalasing, kung totoong mahal mo ako ay hindi mo iyon maggagawa sa akin! I don't care if you're drunk, you still chose to fuck her!"

He cried more. Hindi ko itatanggi na habang nakikita ko siya sa gano'ng kalagayan ay nasasaktan ako. I never wanted to see him so hurt, pero wala akong maggagawa. He is hurting, but I am hurting more.

"I don't love her! I promise, hindi ko siya mahal!" I laughed at his face.

"I don't care if you don't love her, mahiya ka naman sa bata na hindi pa man naiipanganak ay punong puno na ng mga taong may ayaw sa kaniya, and mind you, that kid is your child!"

He accidentally let go of me at ginamit ko ang pagkakataon na iyon para tumakbo papunta sa sasakyan ko. My things were left there, at wala na akong pakialam pa kung ganoon nga. Binuhay ko ang makina ng sasakyan at agad na nag-drive palabas ng village.

Damn. Ang galing maglaro ng tadhana! Sobrang galing! I can't help but wonder kung anong kulang sa akin?

Why does shit always happen to me?! Bakit sa tuwing mag-uumpisa akong sumaya at agad ding babawiin?!

I arrived home in Batangas at 2 AM. Madilim ang buong bahay, a sign that my parents were still asleep. Tahimik na sana akong papasok sa aking kwarto nang magbukas ang ilaw.

Nanay was there, staring at me. She was wearing a long jacket, holding it around her body. She smiled at me before opening her hand wide, inviting me for a hug.

Tears immediately filled my eyes. As I felt her warm body. I felt home.

"There, there. Why is my baby girl crying?" She was caressed my back as I cried on her shoulder.

"Nanay, ang sakit, s-sakit po." She hummed at what I've said. Patuloy niya pa ring hinahaplos ang aking likod and a little later, I was able to calm myself down with the help of my mother.

Pinaupo niya ako sa sofa bago siya nagpunta sa kusina para magtimpla ng hot chocolate drink.

I was filled with thoughts when she left, wondering what I did wrong again. Sa ilang taon naming pagsasama ay wala namang ganitong nangyari, o dahil itinatago lamang niya iyon sa akin.

If Haze hadn't told me about what happened, I would have stayed clueless. I would've marry the guy who got another girl pregnant.

Ngayon ay naisip ko si Nanay. How can she be so strong after what my biological father had done? Kung ako ang nasa posisyon niya ay hindi ko siguro kakayanin.

I heard footsteps coming from the stairs. Tiningnan ko 'yon at nakita ko si Papa na pababa ng hagdan. He was rubbing his eyes as he slowly went towards me.

"Princess, why are you still awake?" Tanong niya sa akin bago tiningnan ang orasan. Kung titingnan mo kami ay wala kaming pagkakatulad...well, it's obviously because I am not his biological daughter. Si Papa ang asawa ni Nanay at simula no'ng naging sila ay palagi niya akong tinuturing na anak niya.

Ang sabi ni Nanay, pareho silang nagdesisyon na huwag nang mag-anak pa kahit na kaya pa naman nila. They both said that I am already enough.

Tumitig ako kay Papa, iniisip kung paano niya nakakayang mahalin ako ng ganito kahit na hindi niya ako...totoong anak.

My eyes watered again with the thought, but just as I was about to be succumbed by these endless negative thoughts, I felt a warm hand holding my cheeks, wiping my tears away.

Suot ni papa ang salamin niya ngayon, his hair, despite being not too old had started to turn white, pero si Nanay, gano'n pa rin ang kulay ng buhok.

"Shh, no matter what you're going through, anak, your mom and I will always be here." I hugged him tight.

"Papa, how can you still love me even though I am not your biological daughter?" Umiiyak kong tanong sa kaniya.

Lumayo ako sa yakap at tinitigan siya. I saw how his eyes glistened with adoration as he stared at me.

I never once saw him look at me with hatred, treated me with hatred and indifference. Simula nang una kaming magkita ay sobrang bait na niya sa akin.

"Kasi, Papa, kung ako po 'yon, hindi ko ata kakayanin," I said before hugging him again. Ayaw kong makita niya ang hitsura ko, because I know that he'll be more worried.

"It's because even though you are not from me, you are from my heart, Faliha, anak. At hinding hindi mo kailangang pilitin ang sarili mong magustuhan ang mga bagay dahil lamang gusto ito ng iba. You are your own person, and no matter what others tell you, you will always have your own choices and decisions."

"Wow naman ang mag-ama ko, baka naman pwede akong sumali diyan?" Napakalas akong muli sa yakap para tingnan si Nanay na ngayon ay may hawak nang tasa.

Papa smirked at her before hugging me tightly again, kissing my forehead.

"Ayaw ko nga, sosolohin ko muna ang prinsesa ko!" He joked.

"Aba ay anong pagkakagaling, anong prinsesa mo?! Ikaw, Reymundo, anak ko rin 'yan!" Nanay shouted before making quick steps towards us.

"Lagot tayo, nag-batangueña na ang nanay mo," bulong sa akin ni Papa. O just chuckled but was shocked when he let go of me, running for his life as Nanay chased him.

My heart clench out of adoration and pain. Sa tuwing nakikita ko silang dalawa na ganiyan ay natutuwa ako dahil masaya siya, and I am, too. Pero nasasaktan ako sa tuwing naiisip na muntik na rin akong makaranas ng ganiyang klase ng pag-ibig, but it will always and forever be an almost.