I Chose Myself

Chapter 2

I slept well last night. Nag-usap kami ng masinsinan nila Nanay, but since it's already dawn, they told me that we should continue our talk tomorrow, when all of us are rested well.

Bumangon ako at tinanggal ang nakapatong na comforter sa akin. I sat on the side of my bed and looked around.

My room is still the same as when I left it a few years ago, cream colored paint, a single-sized bed with a purple beddings, my wooden side table that has a frame with Aaron and I, smiling so brightly.

Muli akong napangiti ng mapait. We used to be this happy, we used to be this in love. But a single fault ruined the years of love we've spent together.

Sobrang hirap para sa akin na magtiwala, more so, if it's broken. And it's all because of my biological father.

"Faliha, come to dad!" Dad shouted, the young me was so happy to see him again after a while.

Tumatakbo akong lumapit sa aking tatay at agad siyang inulan ng halik at yakap. He was giggling as I do so. Ibinalik niya sa akin ang yakap bago ako halikan ng matagal sa gilid ng aking ulo.

We played a lot that day, hindi na nga ako nakatulog no'ng tanghali dahil tuwang tuwa akong makipaglaro sa tatay ko, and when he was about to leave again, I cried hard.

"D-Dad, 'wag ka pong alis, please..." the young me cried, begging him to not leave me again.

He squatted in front of me, smiling. Looking back I only realized it now that he looked at me like he's so sorry. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ibig sabihin niyon noon, pero ngayon ay alam na alam ko na.

"I-I will come back, Faliha."

But he never did.

He was sorry because he will never come back to me, he will never be despite of all the promises he told me.

Hindi niya ako kayang panagutan, but because he felt guilty seeing me begging for him, pinipilit niya ang sarili niyang magpakita sa akin. If I would have known that he's only doing those out of guilt, I would've not wished for him to come.

As a young kid, I was always waiting for him, hoping that one day, he will call me from our house's garden and play with me.

Kaya nang na-realize ko na hindi na siya babalik ay sobrang durog ako. I was so broken that I never thought anyone would be able to put my pieces together. I went into many relationships, but all of them reminded me of the empty promises that my dad made.

It's either I saw them cheating with another woman, or that they just fully stopped everything, without even telling me.

But then, Aaron came to my life. We started as friends, and though it was very hard for me, he broke the wall that I've been using to block anyone. Haze came afterwards, and not a little later, we started having feelings for one another.

"I...I love you, Faliha," kinakamot niya ang kaniyang batok nang umamin siya sa akin.  I was shocked. Hindi ko agad alam kung ano ang sasabihin sa kaniya. I was speechless, pero ang puso ko ay halos hindi na tumigil sa pagtibok.

"I...I don't know what to say." Nahihiya ako, kasi kahit na nakaranas na akong magkarelasyon, this felt so different.

"It's okay. You don't have to give it back," sabi niya sa akin. Mas lalo akong nagulat dahil sa sinabi niya.

"I-It's fine?" I asked. Tumango siya.

What? Paanong ayos lamang iyon? My past boyfriends had always asked me for an answer immediately after they confess, at dahil hindi ko alam ang kailangan kong gawin ay umo-oo ako kahit na hindi ko naman talaga sila gusto.

Napakurap kurap ako sa sinabi niya, at kahit na ilang araw na ang lumipas ay parati ko pa ring naiisip iyon. It kept me awake at night, thinking of what I should respond.

Halos umiwas ako palagi sa kaniya sa tuwing nakikita ko siya dahil bumibilis talaga ang tibok ng puso ko. Parang sasabog ito palagi 'pag nakikita ko siya. I told Haze about it, and she only smiled at me. Ang sabi ay ako raw dapat ang makatuklas ng kung ano ito.

I searched it online, and I was shocked when I saw what it means. It means...I like him, too?

I told him how I feel, and we ended up together. Sobrang saya nila Mommy nang makita kung gaano na kami katagal. They were rooting for me, for us.

They were both expecting us to get married soon dahil gusto raw nila ng apo, but then, Aaron will now start to have his own family, and I am not a part of it. I don't think I will ever be.

My sight blurred again at the thought. That was supposed to be me, pero hindi, eh. Maybe this is what's really meant to be for me, to live my life without anyone beside me. Siguro nga ay hindi ako nararapat na magkaroon ng sariling pamilya.

I fixed myself before I went out of my room. Nakita ko sila Mommy sa kusina, nakahanda ang mga pagkain sa kanilang harapan at nagtatawanan.

They saw me and they both looked at me with softness and adoration in their eyes.

I walked towards them and sat beside my Mommy. Agad niya akong niyakap bago ako binigyan ng halik sa ulo.

"Good morning, sweetie." I smiled at her and kisses her cheeks, too.

Binati ko sila ni Papa ng magandang umaga bago nagsimulang magsandok ng kanin. We were all quiet as we eat. Palagi kaming ganitong pamilya sa tuwing kumakain. Tinuro sa akin ni Mommy ito, na kung kakain ay dapat kakain lamang, para raw makapag-focus kami sa pagkain.

Sometimes, when I see my classmates eating happily while talking as they eat, I feel jealous, but in a way, I feel glad that my parents taught me this.

I took all of our plates before putting it onto our sink. Pagkatapos ay hinugasan ko agad ang pinagkainan namin.

Once I'm done, I put them away to dry. I stepped out of the kitchen to supposedly go back to my room, but I saw Papa and Mommy on the living room. Magkatabi sila sa mahabang sofa habang seryosong nag-uusap. Mommy saw me standing there therefore, she called me.

I slowly went towards them as my heartbeat fastens again. Seryoso ang tingin ng dalawa sa akin habang papalapit ako sa kanila. I took one deep breath, trying to calm myself.

C'mon, Faliha, they are your parents, they won't do anything to you.

Minsan ko lang makita na seryoso ang dalawa, at sa tuwing gano'n ay 'di ko maiwasan na matakot. Though I know that they won't do a single thing that would hurt me, I am still scared of the fact that they are serious—which completely means that they are angry.

I slowly sat down on the one-sitter sofa in front of them. Nasa pagitan ng aming mga upuan ang isang glass table pero kahit ganoon ay para bang sobrang lapit ko sa kanila. I bit my lip before lowering my head.

Did I do something wrong?

"We know what happened," pagbasag ni Mommy sa katahimikan. Her voice was a little deep for a waman, but it never once became something to get embarrassed of.

Gulat akong napatingin sa kanila. Muling nanubig ang aking mata nang ang kanina'y seryosong tingin ng aking mga magulang ay lumambot.

"I'm sorry you have to experience it, anak. You don't deserve what had happened."

And the tears that I was trying so hard to hide fell continuously.