I Chose Myself

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

My heart was beating so fast when I came home. Dali dali akong umuwi nang marinig ang sinabing iyon ni Manang Rila.

There is a possibility that...I am really pregnant. We did that just recently, before we were in chaos and I haven't had my monthly cycle which was supposed to happen weeks ago.

Dali-dali akong naghanap ng pregnancy test kit sa bahay. I don't know if there will be one here, at magtataka ako kung oo. I found nothing.

I bit my lip hard. Kinakabahan sa posibilidad. I know I wanted so bad to have a child with Aaron, but this is never the right time.

I want my child to live a life with a complete family, pero paano kung ganito ang lagay namin? I would not want her or him to have his father's half attention. I want my child to feel his or her father's full love. This may sound selfish, but I don't want my child to feel the way I did.

The traumatic experience I had as a child always follows me everywhere. Nakakatakot na isiping ang anak ko ay gano'n din ang mararanasan.

I drank a glass of water to calm myself. Bibili ako ng pregnancy tests mamaya para malaman kung...buntis nga ako.

I am suddenly worried as I have been the most stressed version of myself in the past days—weeks.

I took my wallet again before going to the nearest pharmacy store near our house. Kumuha ako ng ilang pregnancy test at nagpunta sa self-checkout. I am too paranoid to be seen by anyone who knew me and Aaron.

I packed the PTs and went out of the store. Halos takbuhin ko na ang papunta sa bahay para lamang maagang makita ang resulta.

Pumasok ako sa aking kwarto at ini-lock ang pinto. I took all the pregnancy test kits and threw the plastic on the bin beside my  comfort room.

I was pacing back and forth as I wait for the results.

Lahat ng PT ay ginamit ko para masigurado ang katotohanan nito. I know that most times, the results provided were all true but there are times where it's not. And I am breaking apart as I wish that it's the latter.

Huminga ako ng malalim nang makalipas ang limang minuto. Hinawakan ko ang aking bibig at unti-unting sinilip ang mga PT na nakapatong sa table ng aking kwarto.

My heart almost broke in two when I saw two lines on the first one. I was hoping that the other ones would be different, but it all showed the same result.

I am pregnant.

Tears fell down my face as realization hit me. Buntis ako, at si Aaron ang ama. What am I supposed to do now? Ayaw kong maranasan ng bata na lumaking walang tatay, but it is harder for me to just let my child go despite knowing that it's finally here.

I inhaled and exhaled. I need a few hours to think first before making a decision. Hindi ako pwedeng basta na lamang magdesiyon lalo na dahil nakasalalay dito ang buhay naming mag-ina.

I laid down on my bed again. Ipinatong ko ang aking braso sa aking tiyan. Feeling the softness there. Hindi pa ramdam at halata na buntis ako. I probably should go to a gynecologist to check the legitimacy of the PT tests.

Inisip ko kung anong mangyayari sa amin. Sa pagkakataong ito, ang anak ko ang lalabas na anak sa labas, lalo na kung magpapakasal sila ni Pearl...magpapakasal. What a big word.

Kami sana 'yon, eh.

I smiled bitterly as I felt the tears blurring my sight again. Kanina pa ako iyak ng iyak. At kahit na gaano ko pa man gustong tumigil ang pagtulo ng aking mga luha ay hindi ko kaya. My emotions are uncontrollable because of my hormones.