I Chose Myself

Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"A-Aaron...?"

Gulat ako habang nakatitig sa kaniya habang patuloy niyang pinupunasan ang luha ko. Wala sa sariling hinawakan ko ang kamay niya, making him look into my eyes. 

"Y-You're here..." nanghihina kong sabi. 

Hindi ko makayang isipin na sa kabila ng lahat ng nangyari, I would still find peace in him. After everything that happened, he's still my safe place. The only person who would make this evil world seem good. Like the light in the darkest room. I had hoped for this day to come despite all of the things that happened, despite my clouded anger, a part of me silently hoped for this day.

"I am, baby."

Mabilis ang tibok ng puso ko nang marinig ang pamilyar niyang tawag sa akin. Memories of what happened for the past weeks flooded my mind again. Parang nasusunog ako nang matanto na hindi dapat nangyayari ang lahat ng ito. 

"You are not supposed to be here," mariin kong sabi nang makakuha ng lakas. He looked at me painfully. Bakas sa mga mata niya ang paghihirap, ang takot, ang sakit. He's in pain for what exactly? Kasalanan niya ang lahat! He's the reason why my baby's now gone!

"Baby, please, hear me out first, hmm?" Marahan niyang sabi sa akin. I looked at him in disgust, pero sa loob loob ko ay halos itapon ko na ang sarili sa kaniya para lamang iwanan niya si Pearl at ako ang piliin. But that won't be the right thing to do. Ang bata ang magiging kawawa kung sarili ko ang iisipin ko.

"No. Wala na tayong dapat pang pag-usapan, Aaron. What we have is already gone."

"Gano'n na lang ba 'yon kadali para sa'yo, huh, Fal? Baby, I know I've hurt you so badly, but please, please, listen to me first?" Hindi ako nakinig sa sinabi niya. I started walking away from him.

I didn't expect for everything to hurt this badly. Walking away from him pains me so much. At ayaw ko ng nararamdaman kong ito.

I went inside and was met with the doctor. Ang sabi niya ay pwede na raw akong umuwi nang sabihin kong maayos na ang pakiramdam ko, kahit na hindi pa naman talaga. Gusto ko lang na umalis na dito. This hospital is suffocating me.

Sumakay ako ng jeep pabalik sa amin. Iniisip ko kung ano na ang mangyayari matapos ang araw na ito. I would not be with my parents, nor have my child. Nakatanaw ako sa labas habang lumuluha ng tahimik. I know that some of the passengers were looking at me, but they didn't do anything. Gusto kong mapag-isa.

I sighed when I saw our house. It was not big. Hindi kagaya ng bahay namin ni Aaron sa Manila. Ang bahay na ito ay sapat lang ang laki para sa amin, pero ngayong mag-isa na ako, ang bahay ay sobrang laki na.

Binuksan ko ang gate bago tuluyang pumasok. Haze went back to Manila. Babalik daw siya rito makalipas ang ilang araw dahil gusto ko ngang mapag-isa.

The deafening silence of the house made me realize the truth. Kahit na hindi naman gaanong kaingay dati ang bahay, ngayon ay iba ang pakiramdam. Before, despite its silence, my parent's presence made the house feel alive.

I inhaled a large amount of breath as I try to calm myself. Hindi ako pwedeng umiyak ulit. But then, the sadness that's been trying to overpower my will won.

Tears started streaming down my face. Sumandal ako sa pinto para kumuha ng lakas.

"I lost Aaron...I lost my parents...I lost my c-child. Ano pa ba ang kukunin mo sa'kin, Lord?" I cried.

"Hindi po ako malakas! I-I'm only trying to continue living for the sake of everyone! K-Kasi, kung ako 'yung papipiliin, hihilingin ko na s-sana, s-sana ako na lang."

Napaupo ako sa panghihina. "Pagod na po ako! P-Pagod na pagod na p-po."

Hindi ko na namalayan na nakatulog na pala ako. I woke up on my bed covered with my blanket. Inisip ko kung paano ako nakarating doon dahil ang alam ko ay nasa salas ako kanina. Did I walk myself here?

Lumabas ako ng kwarto at agad naamoy ang pamilyar na putahe. My eyes were puffed due to all the crying earlier, pero nanubig na naman itong muli nang makita ko ang pamilyar na likod sa kusina ng bahay. He was wearing a plain white shirt and a pair of jersey shorts. Nakaapak din siya habang nagluluto roon.

Why is he still here, huh?

I tried walking towards him, but my feet won't move. It was like my feet were both glued to the ground. Patuloy na bumabagsak ang mga luha mula sa aking mata habang pinagmamasdan ko ang pamilyar na likod ng lalaki. 

He must've felt my presence because he faced me afterwards. He smiled softly at me and walked towards me. Gusto kong tumakbong muli palayo. Being near him is in between life and death. 

Nakatingin lamang ako sa kaniya habang papalapit siya sa akin. My heart was thumping so fast that it felt like in any moment now, it'll stop beating, too.

He knelt in front of me while the ghost of a smile's still etched on his face. His hand went up to my cheeks and wiped my tears away. Isinipit din niya ang aking buhok sa tenga ko habang ako ay naroon, nakatitig lamang sa kaniya.

Hindi siya nagsalita nang alalayan niya ako papunta sa table. Mayroon nang nakahandang plato roon, pero isa lamang iyon. He pulled my chair and signaled me to take my seat.

Dahan-dahan akong umupo. I was distracted by so many things that I was out in my own world, if only he didn't place some foods on my plate, my mind would've flew a long way.

Tahimik siya habang ginagawa iyon. It was something that I'm not used to. Dati, palagi niya akong dinadaldal habang kumakain kami kaya natuto akong mag-kwento sa kaniya sa tuwing nasa hapag kami.

But maybe, this is better. Sometimes, it's better to keep our silence than just throw words out of anger. For sure, if we do so, the person would regret what they did and said, however the damage has been done. It will pierce through another person's mind and heart and the scar will forever remain there no matter how hard we try to forget.

Nasulyapan ko ang harapang upuan. Walang nakalagay na plato sa harap no'n which made me stop.

Tumingin ako sa kaniya na ngayon ay bumalik nang muli sa ginagawa sa may lababo. Gusto ko sana siyang tanungin kung bakit hindi siya sumabay sa akin ng pagkain, pero naisip kong baka ayaw niya.

Maybe he's only here because he's making me feel how I used to. Or maybe, it's out of pity for my loss. I bit my lip so hard that it bled. Siguro ay gano'n nga. Siguro. I bet he wouldn't even be here if he didn't know that we had a child, and I got a miscarriage. I bet he wouldn't have come if he didn't know that I lost my parents. Maybe.

Huminga ako ng malalim at kumain na lamang ng tahimik. Halos hindi ako makalunok ng maayos dahil sa lahat ng iniisip, pero naubos ko ang pagkain na nakahanda.

I've been taught by my mom that we should not waste our foods because there are a lot of less fortunate people who weren't given the chance to eat their meals properly.

Tumayo ako at babalik na sanang muli nang may marinig akong tumatawag mula sa labas.

The voice seemed to be in a rush, halos humiyaw na nga para lamang mapapasok. Dali dali akong nagpunta roon nang makarinig ng ilang pagkabasag ng mga paso. My heart was beating so hard in my chest when I heard shouts again.

"Putangina, Faliha! Ilabas mo si Aaron!"

I was literally shocked when I was finally able to recognize that very familiar voice.

Tuluyan na akong lumabas at tama nga ang hinala ko.

Pearl, who used to be someone so prim and proper is now raging in front of my parents house, asking for Aaron.

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3 more chapters before ICM ends! Thank u for reading <33