Stained (N.R)

Chapter 22

"So, You and Nat..." Steve began, having changed into more comfortable clothing. 

We were taking a walk around the perimeter, and the old man cut straight to the subject. 

"It's not what you think. I mean, she has a thing for Banner." I ran my fingers through my hair, sighing. "She told me herself."

"She treats you differently, Katyusha." Steve shook his head. "When we were fighting Ultron back in the tower, she couldn't keep her eyes off you."

"She couldn't keep her eyes of Bruce." I shrugged. 

"Well, knowing Nat..." Steve hesitated. "I think she does like you, or maybe even more than just like... She just fears that part of her, you know. Fear that it may hurt you, hurt her."

"And Banner won't?" I raised an eyebrow.

"You and I both know that you are much more important than him to her." Steve smiled. "You are more than a crush, Katyusha, you are her anchor to the world."

"I...."

"I've lost my chance a long time ago." He looked at me, his eyes sad. "If you would like to listen to an old man's advice...She needs you, even though she doesn't even realise that herself. These past few months that you were gone...."

"Steve...."

"You deserve to be happy, Katyusha. " He sighed. "Both of you do."

"She wants a family like that." I nodded at the house. "A place to come back to after a hard day's work, children, a husband or a wife who would take care of her. I cannot provide her with that."

"Who said you can't" Steve argued. "I never thought that I could be...this. I never thought that I would have met people like you and become friends with them. I never thought I could have been a hero."

"Do you remember how she exchanged her deepest of scars in order to exchange that sliver of information from Loki? How she fought like a warrior when she was trained as a spy? How she and Clint are the only one of us who are... Not armed to the teeth with abnormal abilities? Even Clint has his arrows, top of the notch technology. Ilya has little disks that paralyse people one at a time. Not even aliens. She has a pair of glocks... " I buried my face in my hands. "She was willing to  expose her darkest past to the world in order to bring HYDRA down, willing to trust in a cold system that had never given her any trust back. I want to protect her but I do not know how. Sometimes, she gives me the feeling that.... That she's ready to sacrifice herself without a second of hesitation. She just doesn't want to die in vain, with her so called debts unpaid."

"So you gave her her long knife, which she uses well." He comforted. "You are the person who can bring her out of her past. You have much in similar. You are the only one out of us which truly understand her."

"I have a fear, Rogers, the fear of losing her. I want to lock her up in a place away from threat, away from the possibility of dying, of getting hurt. If I do that, then she will hate me. Her biggest wish is to be normal and she hates herself because she is not. Banner can give that normaily to her, make her happy and stop her becoming what she hates. I cannot."

I took a deep breath. "She's only a young girl, Steve. Girls her age are probably getting married. A nice new job, weekends out with friends, not worrying about your past catching up to you, treating alien invasions as a myth or an once in a lifetime adventure. "

"And you don't want that?" Steve cocked an eyebrow. 

"I am glad that I have been though the things that made me. It gave me the chance to know her, to protect her, to make her happy. I am so afraid that she would be a ghost with no past, no future, no memorial nor inheritance. A young woman who had a nightmare for a beginning, and a tragic end. 

They all see her as a criminal fighting to right the things she did wrong, but I know that she is a hero. She always had been. Many of us have had a dark past, many had it a lot easier than her, but she became hope, she became salvation. She is one of few to do that. A mortal who has the heart and soul of a god. That heart drains her, that soul burns her. Protecting the world is not her responsibility but she heaves it upon her shoulders."

His eyes were soft as he looked at me, pulling me into a strong hug. "Katyusha...."

"I can't love her, Steve. My love means abnormity. It means that she would lose the possibility of ever settling down and raising a family like this. The best I can do is protect her, keep her away from harm and then disappear." 

He shook his head. "You are making this difficult for yourself, Katyusha. Yet, knowing your arguments, I cannot see an alternate path."

"Natalia needs to live, and she needs to be happy." I said softly. "She needs a family to anchor her to the world. I am not enough."

"And you?"

"Me," I pulled my lips into a smile. "I am happy, as long as she is."

"Well...." He rubbed his head, seeming deep in thought. "I... I think she is lucky, to have someone that loves her so much."

I shrugged. "Now my problems are solved, Steve, what about you?"

"Me." He looked at me, surprised.

"You are troubled." I insisted. "I am here to listen if you need, Stars 'n Stripes, and this is an one time offer."

He smiled and then scratched his head. "You are a wonderful friend, you know that?"

"You flatter me." I pressed my lips together, suppressing a small smile.

"Do you know Peggy Carter? By chance?" He asked, after a few seconds of silence.

"Founder of S.H.I.E.L.D, politician, agent, war veteran. " I counted off her titles with my fingers. 

"I owed her a dance back in the day." Steve confessed. "I still owe it to her, but now seems a bit too late."