How things really are. // Johnnyboy

your friend, johnny.

Slowly, I come back to life. Darry starts sleeping in our room, afraid to leave me alone. I thought about trying to reassure him that he could sleep in his room again, but deep down I didn't want him to leave.

I felt bad for scaring my brothers so bad, so I tried to make it up to them when I could. Whether it be helping them around the house or letting them drag me around town. Sometimes I was a little irritated, but I knew it was good to be with them.

One day, Dally came by. Dally wasn't the same after Johnny's death. A few times, I thought he was going to commit suicide, but Two-Bit started checking up on him every day, so he couldn't have if he'd tried. His recovery was slow, but he was making it. Like me.

"Hey, kid," he says. "Got something for you." He hands me an envelope. On the front, "Ponyboy" is written in neat script. I recognize the handwriting immediately.

"Is this from Johnny?" I ask, afraid of the answer.

"Yea. He wrote everyone letters, originally because he thought he was gonna kill himself. But, lucky you, he rewrote yours when you two got together." He smiles, but not his old smile. Not his sly, arrogant smile. He's lost too much now. Now his smile is smaller, and it's filled with sorrow.

He sighs and looks at the ground. "Might as well tell you, I guess."

I furrow my eyebrows. "Tell me what?"

He purses his lips. "I'm leaving Tulsa."

I drop the envelope. "What?" I say.  Not him too please, not him too.

Another sigh. "I can't stay here, Ponyboy. I can't go anywhere without thinking of him-" his voice breaks on the last word.

Tears well up in my own eyes. "But...but you won't have us."

"I've already talked to Darry about it. He said that if leaving helps me get better, then I need to leave. "

Tears fall now. "Dal, I don't want you to leave."

And then the most shocking thing happens. I mean, truly, I did not expect it at all.

Dally walks toward, bends down, and hugs me.

Dallas Winston, who never gave a shit about anyone or anything, is hugging me right now.

I return his hug in an instant, burying my head into his shoulder. I've received a lot of hugs recently, but this one feels different. This one feels...strong.

I hug him tightly, knowing that once he leaves, it might be the last time I see him. He must know this too, because he hugs me just as hard back.

"Hey, kid, if you ever miss me too bad, just remember that we're still under the same sky, okay? And if you miss me real bad, come find me. I won't turn you away." I feel his tears on my shoulder.

I nod quickly. "I'll keep that in mind."

He breaks away, then smiles at me. "I'm real glad to have met you, Ponyboy."

I smile back, one of the first times since Johnny died. "Thanks, Dal. Be good, okay?"

He nods, and he leaves. I hope he's leaving his ghosts behind as well.

With shaking hands, I open the envelope.

I take a deep breath and unfold the letter.

"Dear Ponyboy Micheal Curtis,

If you're reading this, then I'm gone. This isn't the first letter I've written to you, but I hope it's the last.

You changed me. You made me feel like I could truly be loved again. You were a promise that things could get better, that I could be better.

I don't regret that night in the lot. I don't regret every look, every kiss we shared.

I want you to remember this, always. I want you to think of me and smile, not miss me. I want you to look at pictures and remember how we made each other feel, not blame yourself.

Most of all, I want you to be with your brothers. They love you more than you know. If you guys don't have each other, then you don't have anything.

I don't want to end this letter, because I know if I do then I'll be saying goodbye to you too. But all good things must end eventually.

My only regret is that this had to end too.

Stay gold, Ponyboy. I love you. And I know you loved me too.

Your friend, Johnny."

Tears fall as I neatly fold up the letter and put it on my nightstand.

I know now that I have to live. Not just for him, but for everyone else I lost too. Mom. Dad.

Who I used to be.

"You okay, Pony?" I look up and see Darry leaning in the doorway.

I smile, tears shining in my eyes. "Yeah, I will be," I say.

Darry smiles and nods. "Good. Now come on. Let's go eat." He puts his hand on my back when we start walking down the stairs, a rare form of tenderness for him, but a welcome one nonetheless.

Losing Johnny left a scar so deep, it might never heal. But while scars may not heal, they do fade.

I make a silent promise to one day be able to do just what Johnny said. To look at the photo and remember how he made me feel, and not cry. To be with my brothers.

And most of all, to say goodbye.

Because in the end, those we love never truly leave us.

There are some things death cannot touch.