How things really are. // Johnnyboy

the truth changes over time

Even though we told the gang we were together, I found that I didn't want that anymore.

I can't look at Johnny without remembering the 4th of July. I can't hold his hand or kiss him without remembering the carving on my arm and why it was carved.

I also know that it isn't fair to Johnny for me to keep pretending everything is the same, so I know what I should do. I need to break up with him.

And the worst part is that I didn't need to convince myself for too long before I made up my mind.

Johnny and I went on a walk to the lot. When we got there, I decided to do it.

"Can we talk, Johnny?" I say.

Johnny immediately knows somethings up. "Everything okay, Pony?"

I take a deep breath. "I, uh, don't think this is gonna work out." I say.

Johnny stands there rigidly. "Why?" It's such a small word, but he says it with such accusation, such venom, that it feels like so much more.

"I just don't think we're right for each other-" I say, but he interrupts me.

"Bullshit."

"What?" I say.

"I said bullshit. It's because of what happened, right? You blame me, Ponyboy?" He says, spitting the words out at me.

"Johnny, I don't blame you, but come on-"

"Come on, what?"

"I don't know how to be still be with you when something like that happened. I mean, what were you thinking, kissing me in public?"

I wish I could take back the words.

Johnny scoffs. "So you do blame me."

I stay silent.

Johnny laughs without humor. "I knew it. I fucking knew it." He looks at me and gives a exasperated shrug. "Knew it was too good to be true." He voice cracks on every word.

"Johnny-" I start, desperately realizing my mistake.

"No, no I get it, Pony. I wouldn't want to be with a traumatized abuse victim either. Especially when they got you jumped. I get it." Tears start leaving his beautiful brown eyes. God, his eyes.

Johnny starts shaking his head. "Was just hoping that I would be worthy of your love." Then he lets out a sob.

I desperately want to take back this whole conversation. I want to just go back. I was wrong, I do want to be with him, dammit.

"Just go home, please. Just go." He cries.

"Johnathan-"

"Ponyboy, I've lost my damn dignity. JUST GO HOME!" He yells.

Reluctantly, full of shame, I do go home.

Darry greets me when I walk in, but I run all the way upstairs, slamming the door behind me. I remember Darry's heavy annoyance with slamming doors, but I'm so on edge I just think let him yell at me, I don't care.

But, it's not not Darry who comes upstairs, it's Soda.

"Go away, Soda." I say.

"Ah, that would be violating our agreement, now wouldn't it?"

I groan.

"What happened, Pony?" He asks in a less joking tone.

The question is like a magic spell, because in seconds I'm blubbering like a baby. I can't talk when I'm crying like this, so Soda pats my back while I cry all the tears I've been holding in since July 4th.

When I calm down enough, I tell him what happened, still crying the whole time.

"I'm such an idiot, Sodapop. Such a godamn idiot..." I cry.

"Maybe, but that doesn't mean there isn't room for improvement. We both know that Johnny is way too forgiving for his own good. If you just give this a little time, wait until the hurt passes, then have a calm talk with him, I'm sure it'll be okay. I'm not sure if you guys will get together  again, but you'll at least have a shot at being friends."

I can't say I like those odds.

I'm still crying, so Soda rubs my back. "It'll be okay, you'll see."

For the first time in a long time, I'm doubting my brother.