How things really are. // Johnnyboy

words can cut deeper than knives.

(A week later)

Darry calls out that he's leaving to work a late shift, and that he won't be back until late tonight. Soda yells back "Okay, deadbeat!" but because it's Soda, Darry laughs.  I don't really notice. I can't stop thinking about what happened last week.

Then Soda says he's going on a walk and tells me if I'm going out I need to leave a note. I was planning on leaving as well, trying to walk off my panic, but a little bit after Soda leaves, Johnny arrives.

We just stare at each other for a minute. All I can think about is how scared I am. Not of Johnny exactly, but of loving him.

Then he reminds me why.

"I love you."

My veins turn to ice.

"What?" I stutter.

"I love you, Ponyboy. And only God knows how long I have been. Ponyboy, I-"

Then one single word stumbles out of my mouth. "Stop."

Johnny looks stunned. "What?"

"Stop. Come on, Johnny. You can't be like that..." I say, and as soon as i say the words i wish i could take them back.

Johnny staggers back as if I've slapped him. His eyes cloud. "Come on, Ponyboy, don't be like that..." He makes a sound that sounds like a sob and a laugh. "I know you feel that way about boys..."

My body freezes and my head feels like it's going to explode.

"I don't. And you're a damn fool if you do, Johnny Cade."

Did I really just say that?

Real tears fall from Johnny's beautiful brown eyes. I had always admired them.

Johnny almost barges to the front door and angrily shoves on his jacket.  "I may be a fool, but you're a damn coward." He almost spits the words out. While Dally found it amusing when Johnny was mad, I found it terrifying. It took a lot to make Johnny mad, and I never liked to be around him when he was.

Soda appeared on the front steps just as Johnny ran out the door as if he were on fire.

Soda walked in, looked back towards the door, and looked back at me. "Wha-"

Overcome with shame, I run upstairs to my room and jump on my bed facedown. I probably just ruined my friendship with Johnny. No, I did ruin it. I lay my head on my pillow, trying not to think of Johnny and thinking of nothing else.

I hear the door open to my room. Soda and I made a deal that since we share a room, we are never allowed to kick the other out of the room, even if we want to be alone, so I know I can't make him leave.

"Got a Pepsi on my walk." Soda says. I lift my head, and he holds a single glass bottle.

I don't really want it, but I know he's trying to be there for me, even though he doesn't know what happened. So I sit up and make room for him on the bed.

For a minute, we pass the bottle back and forth, silence stretching between us. I hear the soft patter of rain outside. I guess that's why Soda came home so soon.

"You know, I didn't know I was in love with Sandy at first. She snuck up on me." Soda says.

I take my sip and give it back to Soda. "Really?" I say. It was always obvious to me.

Soda nods while he sips. "Still do, even considering. Just something about her that I won't ever be able to shake, I think." He looks at me with that all-knowing look I know all too well.

I take my sip and sigh. "Soda...I messed up." I say. Only Soda could ever break down my defenses.

He moves his hand in a circle, gesturing me to go on.

"Soda...I..." God, this is so much harder than I thought it was. I exhale sharply. "I'm gay."

Soda just sits there, and my insides churn like a tornado.

Then he surprises me. He just grins and sips from the Pepsi.

"Oh, brother." He says, and he giggles. Actually giggles.

My fear turns into annoyance. "What?" I say.

"Pony, I've known since you were, like, eleven. You never noticed the way you look at godamn Paul Newman?" He grins.

I sip exasperatingly. If he could see that so easily, then can everyone else? Maybe not. Soda has always just been observant.

"So, what happened down there with Johnny?"

And I tell him. I tell him everything. To my brother's everlasting credit, he doesn't interrupt me to tell me what a horrible person I am, or even just give that Pony you're such a doorknob look. He listens patiently and passes me the Pepsi back and forth.

I take a big sip from the Pepsi after I'm done, finishing it. "So, what do you think?"

Soda sighs. "I think...you need to go find him and apologize. Do you have feelings for him?"

I nod without thinking.

"Then you should also probably tell him that too. Look, I really don't care that you're gay. And I don't think Darry will either. I've seen the way you two look at each other. You would make each other happy." 

"Maybe, but what about the rest of the gang? Or the world? You know guys aren't supposed to be like this, Soda. I'll never be able to go anywhere with him, or anyone-"

Soda interrupts me. "Who cares about the rest of the world, Ponyboy? What should matter is that you're happy and that you can be yourself." He says. He sighs. "I won't let anyone hurt you guys, I promise." He says in a softer tone.

I don't exactly believe him, but I do want to be with Johnny. I really do. And if I wait any longer, the damage I've caused may become irreversible.

I get up. "Can I go now?" I say.

Soda raises an eyebrow. "You sure you want to go now? It's raining a little hard out there." But his tone of voice just challenges me.

I nod my head.

Soda grins at me.

"Go do what you gotta do, Pony."