How things really are. // Johnnyboy

why you need to hold them close

Later that night after dinner, I sit up in my room with Soda, reading a book. He's spinning in our desk chair out of boredom.

"You hear from Sandy recently?" I ask.

"Oh, yeah. She's really living it up with the Soc." Soda says dryly.

I nod awkwardly.

I don't know what I'm going to do about Johnny. I don't know why I'm so scared of being with him. Well, actually I do. Because I was afraid of exactly what happened on the 4th. But that's a given.

I do want to be with Johnny, I do, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to get rid of the fear. It's worse because I have no one else to talk to about it. I guess I could talk to Soda about it, but how much would he really understand?

Just as I finish the thought, I hear footsteps pounding up the stairs. The door to our room bursts open, and Darry is there, looking panicked.

I remember the day mom and dad died clearer then I can remember yesterday. I was helping Soda with his homework, and Darry had just been downstairs. I heard the phone go off, but since Darry was the one downstairs, I didn't get up to answer it.

Soda and I were just starting a new math problem when Darry practically came barreling up the stairs. The moment he came in the room I knew something had happened. He has this look on his face that he always wears when something happened. It's what I can only describe as a childlike look.

I see that look now. Darry, my stoic, 20 year old brother, looks like a scared 7 year old who's scared of thunderstorms.

"It's Johnny and Dally! They got into an accident! We gotta go to the hospital!" He says frantically, desperately.

Suddenly my vision is like a kaleidoscope, shifting and retracting. All I can think is Johnny's hurt, Johnny's hurt, Johnny's hurt.

In seconds, all three of us are out the door and in the car. I see Soda frantically asking Darry questions, but I might as well be underwater for how much I can hear.

The car ride goes by in a blur, just like when mom and dad died. Deja Vu is hitting me harder then a baseball bat.

When we walk in the hospital, Darry goes to the front desk to ask about Johnny and Dally. Soda and I sit down on the waiting chairs.

Darry is clearly getting agitated. "What do you mean? We might as well be family!" The nurse says something back, and for a second I think Darry's angry side, a side I've only seen a few times, is about to come out. But instead, he says in a low, furious voice, "You see their family here? Me neither." and he angrily walks over to us.

20 minutes later, a man says "Is there a Darrel Curtis here?"

My brothers and I walk up to the man. "I'm Darrel Curtis." Darry says.

"We have a patient here, Dallas Winston, who's asking for you. Are you a relative?" The man asks. He has an ID that says his name, Dr. Smith.

Darry, probably remembering what the nurse was saying, says "Yes. We all are." He says, gesturing to us.

Dr. Smith nods. "This way, then."

I'm not sure what I was expecting Dally and Johnny to look like, but when I walk into Dally's room, I'm shocked.

He's right eye is swollen shut, and he has a line of stitches right above it. His arm is also a sling.

I can also see the pure rage in his eyes.

Darry walks over to Dally and gently puts his hand on his back. "You okay, Dally?" Maybe he can also tell that Dally is furious, because he sounds like he's talking to a wounded animal.

Dally waves Darry's hand away. "I'm good. I'm good." Though he seems genuinely touched by Darry's concern. Dally has always had a respect for Darry, one he didn't have for the rest of the gang, except maybe Johnny.

Then Dally sets his sights on me, and his look is so poisonous that I almost take a step back.

"Hey, Pony. Johnny told me what you did earlier, you little shit."

Oh god. He's mad at me.

Darry looks confusedly at me. "Pony?" He asks.

"Darrel." Soda says quietly.

"You don't deserve to be here. You don't deserve to see him. You made him think he isn't worthy of anything, you little bitch. Well, I hate to break it to you, BUT HES MORE WORTHY OF ANYTHING THEN YOU ARE!" He yells at me. I flinch.

"Okay, Dally, let's just calm down-" Darry starts.

"Oh no, Darry. You know what your brother did?"

"No, I don't, but yelling about it won't fix anything."

"No, no, he's right. I'll...go." I say quietly.

"Ponyboy-" Soda begins.

"No, Soda. He's righ-" My voice is cut off by a sob. I stumble out of the room and go to the backseat of the car.

I sit there numbly for what feels like forever. Neither of my brothers follow me outside.

I wonder if this is what hell feels like.