when we were young

jean's confession

author's note

TRIGGER WARNINGS

mentions of blood, death, physical fighting

☼ y'all i'm so excited for you guys to read this chapter omfg this has been my favorite one to write ASFHSKDSJ

☼ uh grab tissues, that's all imma say LOL

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☼ OKAY ENJOY AHHHHH

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[play fourth of july by sufjan stevens]

You couldn't sleep the entire night after your encounter with Armin.

It wasn't because of the kiss and it wasn't because of the pouring rain that continued all the next day. What kept you up was the consistent pounding in your head throughout the night. And the more you thought about Armin and kissing him, the worse it got.

You thought about what Reiner said to you a few days ago. How you going around this camp and kissing people couldn't be good for you. Of course you took his words metaphorically but right now they were hitting too literally.

Who knew kissing Armin would take such an awful physical toll on you?

Your mood swings were also getting terrifying as the night carried on. One moment, you felt like throwing up with an overwhelming sense of guilt.

Guilt?

Who knows why you were feeling that. The best explanation could probably be because of the artificial morals Marley drilled in your head about these island devils before you arrived here. And kissing them, not once but twice definitely did not align with their beliefs, even if you did agree with them.

But even if that was true, why were you so willing to kiss Jean that night on the cliff? You knew deep down you were slowly losing grip on Marley's morals the longer you stayed on this island. But that just made you wonder if they ever stuck with you to begin with.

The next minute you would feel nothing.

It was just a meaningless kiss.

Armin just caught you at a vulnerable time and you were looking for a safe space. You were upset over Jean's shitty apology and overall just being alive here so who wouldn't go for a kiss with someone as cute as Armin?

None of it wasn't making sense though. You used to think Armin was so cute. Shit, he was even on a mental top three list in your head for most attractive individuals here. So what the fuck was your problem? Maybe it wasn't Marley's morals or an issue of liking anyone.

Maybe it was because you had that talk with Reiner and contradicted all of the advice he gave you. You hated it more than anything to admit, but in a way Reiner was becoming your safe space. He was becoming the only constant in your fucked up life and your attachment issues were already clinging on to him just from one conversation you had with him about Jean over a campfire.

But there was something just so comfortable with Reiner that you knew you couldn't get with Bertholdt or Annie. At this point, you knew Annie was done with you until she felt like coming to you herself. As for Bertholdt, you two hadn't bonded since you were both seven and you taught him how to spell his own name because he had no idea how, despite being in school for two years.