COTE: Alter Ego - Indecisive [HIATUS]

Prelude [3]

HIS INNER THOUGHTS

Humans are creatures that can grow.

It can also be said that creatures who like to learn. This is instinct.

It's like learning to remember how to ride a bicycle and swim. Learn to remember also how to hold chopsticks and suck a straw. I will learn about love through Kei.

Because this love is needed for the growth process of Karuizawa Kei too.

People who are happy because they can learn. It's the same. Whether it's studying academically, playing sports, or playing games. If you feel that your abilities have improved, you will enjoy whatever they are.

Likewise Love.

Kei is a text book called one of the opposite sex for me.

At that time, I remember I hugged her. The reason I did it because I want to encourage her for loving me.

The easiest method is to embrace her.

She has anxiety after seeing me and Hiyori.

The most simple way and the fattest effect to distract her thoughts is hugging her.

My decision to lend a hand to her. That action is neither genuine nor beautiful. Plus, knowing she would be attached to me after this occasion even when I didn't feel anything other than comfortable, yet only dating her without sincere feelings would be... Hypocrisy.

This kind of relationship of us obviously won't make her evolve. In fact, I just restrained her potential nature. By giving a kiss, a hug, complementing, making her happy. They are all the same. They're all just temporary. It's no different from giving a homeless man five dollars to feed himself for one day.

What about tomorrow? The day after that? He will continue to starve.

In this case, lavishing love on Kei is no longer necessary. Because it only makes her more reliant on me.

I must cut our ties in order to free her from this parasitic side. I knew how bad I was; I was dating her to build her courage and then dumped her to help her grow.

But I can't deny it, these actions are necessary for her and my growth too.

But is this the best way I can do?

What's the "most virtuous" path I can take?

To be honest, I am not sure what would be the "most virtuous" action. It would be mean I am being self-indulgent by thingking "I want to help Kei".

Not to mention about my feelings, at this rate I must treat her like I am in love with her. Considering this actions.

Did I think I could save her despite all those constraints?

Obviously I didn't understand what love is.

But I won't take it easy about others feelings as well.

Even I am not that considerate person, at least I know basic moral of human. Regardless of who it is for, harboring the feeling of others, love is a good thing.

However, I realized if Kei is saddened because if this love, perhaps it might be a bad deed. But there are some things I must do, despite knowing that is bad. Even though I know lying is bad. No one in this world can live without lying.

Humans learn thorough repeatedly doing good and bad things. I make some mistakes and reflect, I move forward even in anguish.

Rather than good deed of taking my love to Kei. I would rather do the good deeds of letting her go and making her independent by her own feet.

This decision, I have no doubt about it. I am certainly sure to leave her this time. I know myself the best. I know what I want and what I have to do for achieving my goals. My feelings aren't required here. I completely understand who I was.

At times, I am excellent, but I am also flawed. I am not perfect, as that man claimed. I was certain of it.

To mention about perfection, Sacrotes' "Arete" refers to the inherit excellent of anything. It's something pretty near with the definition of perfect human being.

However, the Arete that Sacrotes refers to is a person's excellence as a human being. In other words, their "virtue". My situation is completely different. In the first place, I am not a good person. So, in his opinion, I am not perfect, despite the fact that I have been broken since the beginning.

Likewise Sacrotes called this as study of human' goodness or philosophia. Philo it means love and Sophia it means wisdom.  The word philosophy etimologizes from this.

We human know nothing about this "virtue", Sacrotes add, "The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing".

In terms of Arete of Sacrotes, a knife's Arete is to be sharp, a horse's Arete is to be fast, and our Arete as human is to better our soul.

Be courageous and honest, and live a life without damaging your soul. Bad deeds will damage your soul. It is simplified "Live a good life". There's even a book that only mentions this singular phrase.

I personally disagree with that Arete of ours is to "Live a good life".

Many philosophers have their own interpretations of this Arete as well. So there's no exactly 'correction' definition of it.

And here I am, I wanna making my own interpretation of Arete myself.

"Living the good life."

I wonder how it feels. I think, I want to live a good life too someday.

***
2nd March, 2022.