This Is Where I Want To Be

21. Letting Go

Chris

Juliet was in my car—again. It seemed to be one of the places where a lot would happen for us. My heart skipped a beat when she sat down and closed the door. I finally had her alone again... I was beyond relieved but also angry, frustrated, and back to anticipation. At first, I kept holding my breath, wanting to get away before Louis showed up. I closed my door quickly and backed out of the driveway as fast as possible. Not just Louis... Sita, as well. Even with the effort she made in that dress, her hair, and makeup... she didn't compare to a fraction of Juliet, with a red nose, makeup smearing, and hair looking faded and worn. Juliet was sick, and I didn't even know. My letter had given her a setback to whatever was wrong with her. Did it have to do with her ability? Her not being human? It didn't matter anymore. I was going to find out.

Looking in the rearview mirror, Sita stared after us, but I couldn't care. When I saw her—I felt nothing! Seeing them side by side made me want to take Juliet and run. My heart beat faster and faster the further we got from my house. At that moment, I wondered how far I could get before her parents reported her missing. Kidnapping was a serious offense. Jail time. I wade the options; going to jail or going home and sleeping with my wife. I would've chosen prison... Juliet was so angry with me. She had not returned to the fawning little girl she had been the few times we were together. Even if I suggested eloping... she would've refused. I had pushed her away... I had to remind myself that's what I wanted. Would I really change? Just because Sita was four hours late. How was her timing so impeccable anyway? Did she think she could dictate everything?

Juliet made sexual references when talking to Jerry. When I thought about them, my skin crawled. She wasn't innocent. Louis had told me... but I had thought she kissed a guy on her sixteenth birthday or made out with one or two others. I was obviously wrong... For years, I had been celibate, and Juliet had been busy... I should've cheated, then; leaving Juliet alone would've been easier... I wouldn't want her as much as I did.

The words echoed in my mind. 'I want her... I want her... I want her to touch me....'

I hit the steering wheel, yelling something inaudible. Juliet's eyes nervously glanced at me. I stopped the car abruptly, flinging the door open—I needed to get out... We had been driving, and without me noticing, I had gone to a secluded part of the neighborhood. What was I doing? Subconsciously, I was already taking her someplace where anything could happen. I was just like Jerry... All I wanted from her was the milk... It wasn't love. It wasn't love for her either. She had a stupid, innocent crush on me. Wanted me in her naive ways. Did she know how she was tearing me apart? My life? I screamed! Sitting down on my haunches, dragging my fingers through my hair, gripping and pulling on them, fighting my temptations. I heard the door open, and Juliet got out.

I stood up, "Get back in the car!" She stopped moving, and her breathing became shallow... Was she scared of me? Her chin shook as she held back more tears. It almost broke me into pieces, "Get back... in...!" I yelled, but I was unable to get all of it out. She didn't and stood still, watching me. I stared right back, deciding what I was going to do. Was I not going to comfort her?

Then she did the most amazing thing I could ever have asked for. She closed her door, walked around the front of the car, and got into the driver's seat. She closed and locked it and drove off. A chuckle escaped. She stopped when she was well down the road, rolling down the window, and yelled, "You said I should be strong when you can't be. You said, please... So here is the space you need." I burst out laughing, bending over and putting my hands on my knees, staring at the car and this girl sticking her head out the window. But it made me want her even more, and not in a carnal way. With all my heart, I wanted her... I stood up, out of breath. Had I not said I was in love with her. It wasn't just lust—not from her nor from me. She loved me... She must love me if she could put me first like that.