Married Games

9. Letter: Do you belive in life after love?

Dear Esram,

I wish I could tell you what my life was like after my divorce, but I really don't remember almost anything. After the trial, I ran away like a rat to Tarik Hoca. I did not want the world for myself, and I did not want myself for the world. The teacher tried to talk to me, but the first 2 weeks are a black hole in my head. I don't know if I ate, I don't know if I slept. I do not know anything. After all, the old man was sick of my self-pity. He had one of the most important conversations in my life with me. He didn't ask any more, he didn't treat me like a wounded animal. I was treated as a grown man who needs a tutorial kick in the butt. I didn't want to think about you then, but I thought anyway. What are you doing, has your seasonal colds given up on you already, and are you thinking about me. I know stupidity. I don't know when I started telling myself I hate you. The biggest lie I've ever told in my life. But I guess then I wanted to believe that I could live without you. Funny because on the one hand I was saying how little you meant to me anymore, and on the other hand I was working day and night to prove to you that I can be someone. I wanted to achieve anything that would make you wish you had persevered with me through hard times, so you don't deserve me at the best. I'm an idiot. While working to spite you, at the same time I was motivated by the vision of you coming back to me. I also wanted you to feel how much it hurts to know you are not worthy. I loved you then like a madman and at the same time hated you as greatest enemy. I met Arif Bey, he invested in my company, Musa appeared in my life, then Cagla and Cinar. I changed my appearance, I stopped wearing glasses, I did everything to make the Ozan, that you knew and was not worthy of you, disappeared.My life sped up. I guess I wanted it that fast myself, I wanted not to have time to think about you. Sometimes only at bedtime my head played tricks on me because I thought I could smell your shampoo, you know, the one I loved so much. I tried to hide all the signs of your presence in my life. But not a snowball. I was lying to myself I kept it to remind me of how little you mean to me. We both know this is another of my lies. The globe was supposed to motivate me, to remind me that one day you will come back to me, that our shared dreams did not disappear with you. I even bought a house and furnitured it just like you always wanted to! And I still was telling myself that I do it for myself, that I would never let you in my life again even when I picked things you would like. Like a madman.  Like a person with split personality.  When the company was expanding, I had less and less time to think, I felt good about it. I was even happy, but each time I missed something. I flew to Antalya for my first vacation. Why this city was the first that came to my mind? I do not know. I remembered when you dreamed that one day we would find ourselves in it. Sitting on the plane, I maliciously thought that now I was the winner. That you lost. But I wasn't having a good time there. Every place I visited made me think of you. Would you like it? By then I was so angry, so hardened in my hate that I could no longer admit to myself that I missed you. I hated you, Esra. I hated you so much that I desperately kept my old phone all the time so I could humiliate you when you called. But you didn't call. I was angry. I wanted you to call and at the same time I didn't want you in my life. The plan was completely different, you were going to come and see me in all my glory. I lost all hope you would see me...and then  you finally came ......

Love, Ozan

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Dear Ozan,

After our divorce, I didn't want to feel anything. I ran away like a coward to my parents' house, because the emptiness in our apartment made me impossible to breathe. But not for a moment did I wonder if I was doing the right thing to get you out of my life. To be honest, I don't know if I suffered because of your absence. I think so, but the suffering caused by the miscarriage was expressive, it was familiar, so I just plunged into it. The first weeks after our breakup I spent fighting for each day. Fighting to get out of bed, go to work, and end the day without thinking too much. Only Zeyno knew what was happening to me. I was slowly getting lost in a spiral of hate because, you know, I blamed everything on you. I blamed you for how much I suffer, I'm sorry that I did. But in my head you appeared as the one who couldn't protect me. I hated your so called love that made me suffer so much. I hated you so much and needed you at the same time. I knew that I hurt you, and at the same time I excused myself by saying that I protect you from greater heat, that the fact that you do not know what happened to our child is a rescue for you. It is a pity that by saving you, I was destroying myself. Everyone turned their backs on me. I was the greatest villains. Your mother spat when she saw me, your sister ran away as quickly as possible so as not to talk to me. People from the neighborhood whispered to each other every time I showed up. I didn't want to admit to myself that it hurts me. I was angry that they didn't know anything. That what I have been through is so much worse than some unsuccessful feeling of Yours. I didn't want anyone to know anything, and at the same time I dreamed that everyone was learning the truth.  Time heals all wounds, it is true, but there are wounds that will never heal. I have suffered so much from the miscarriage that I have not noticed that I miss you. But life was moving forward. Your family has moved out of the neighborhood. On the one hand, I was very happy about it, on the other hand, I was angry. I was glad because no one else would curse me just to see me. I was angry because even though I didn't ask about you, there were always scraps of information reaching me. Sometimes I asked Zeyno if she knew anything about you. I pretended to be just curious, but what I really wanted was to make sure you continued suffering. But she knew less and less. I decided that evidently fate made me forget about our failed marriage. I found a job, I returned to my old self. Nobody knew that inside I was really suffering all the time. Sometimes, when I felt unwell, I would return to our place, you know, on the coast. Then I called it my place. I wanted to erase you from my life completely. I avoided places where we went as a couple. I avoided people who could tell me what's new with you. I was acting like a child, but despite everything that happened, I wanted to be a child all the time because I wouldn't have to take responsibility for what happened. I preferred all the blame and responsibility for my miscarriage to be yours. But to protect you, I was silent. I ran away from any mention of you ... until I saw you on the cover of that magazine ... and it all came back ... again.

Yours,
Esra