Burnt Out | J. Kirstein

|09|

Jean drove you back to the dorms. He didn't make an effort to small talk with you. Or talk at all. In fact, he stayed unusually quiet and concentrated solely on the road ahead of him.

"Thanks for the ride home," you clear your throat and search through your bag for your keys. "And for the whole rescue thing."

He keeps the car on as he puts the gearshift into park. "Anytime."

It's tense.

The dashboard lights cast a cold hue onto Jeans features with the night sky looming around you both. He looks down at his hands, seeming to be holding his breath.

You remember how you felt when his eyes were on you back at the party. When they were practically undressing you. And you're thankful he's so concentrated on his lap. If he looks at you one more time like he had, you might fold completely. No one has been able to do that. And since looking at him only reminds you of the girl you used to be, you'd rather not get sucked in. Not with him. Anyone but him.

"I'm gonna head in," you pull your bag over your shoulder and place your hand on the door.

"Wait," he finally brings his eyes up and you make sure to steer clear of them. "Your phone."

He leans over and picks it up from the cup holder and you grab on to it with a hesitant hand. "Thank you. Have a goodnight..."

"You too, y/n."

You take one last glance and find a sad smile plastered on his lips. Just like you, he wants to spend just a little longer in the car together. But unfortunately you can't allow yourself the pleasure.

Not with how he makes you feel.

So you do the only thing you can to get rid of that lust. You distract yourself with someone you won't ever have feelings for. Someone you use for one purpose and one purpose alone.

You: You busy?

You had told yourself you'd stop doing this. It's not fair to him and it's only a quick fix. In the long run it'll end up hurting him more than it'll hurt you, but you're selfish. You only care about how you feel right now. He helps you and that's what matters.

So who cares if you said it would be the last time? That was four months ago and within the last hour you've found yourself unable to control your thoughts of Jean.

You need this.

Armin: my room.

Jean POV

I didn't even say anything about the past, yet she got out of the car and didn't even look back. Like I had offended her or something.

Each time I get one step closer it seems she takes two steps back. She's untouchable and it physically hurts that I can't lay my hands upon her perfect body.

But that's not all I want. I want to touch her soul. To get inside her head and figure out just what makes her do the things she does. Understand the things she feels. No matter how dark they are.

I grip the steering-wheel and groan, laying my head on the horn, careful not to push too hard. Y/n is already gone. She pulled her phone out and headed towards my dorm building.

What's she doing going over there?

~

Armin let's you into his building and then up the stairs to his room. He's just as nervous as he always is and you wonder if he's been with anyone other than you.