Crestfallen Colors

Over..?

I just want it all to be over.

Killua shook off whatever that statement made him feel. "Over..?" Killua repeated. What did Gon mean by that, exactly? "What do you mean, over?"

Gon clutched Killua's shirt tight in his fists. "I... I don't want to leave..." He whispered. "I don't want to... join society. I don't want to be transferred. I... this is... my home..."

Home.

Killua had never really known what it was like to have a grasp on the concept of a home. He'd never felt at home anywhere, and he didn't think that would ever change. But he understood how Gon felt, to an extent. He understood that this place was Gon's world. All he's ever known and loved. Bisky is family to him, even though not by blood. And that makes her all the more special to him.

"And... that thing..." Gon continued, looking towards the drawings on his desk. "That thing is... still out there..."

"The murderer?" Killua asked.

Gon nodded. "If I leave, then..."

"You're afraid it would find you." Killua finished for him. He took Gon's hands off his shirt and held them in his. "Gon, if you live in fear, you'll never truly be living. This place, it's not meant for someone to serve a life sentence here. And I'm sure Bisky wants nothing more than for you to live a happy, normal life. So, forget about what happened. Your own brain has done most the work for you. We'll find someone to help get rid of the nightmares. Dr. Siberia wants you to have nightmares- for clues. For an investigation. What you need is to forget it all."

"But... then... it gets away with mass m-"

"Okay. Wouldn't be the first time." Killua stated bluntly. "Even if you remembered, it wouldn't help anything. Your amnesia and upbringing would cause the defense to raise Reasonable Doubt. Chances are, whoever it is, would walk away anyways. If their lawyer is even half decent. And the police wouldn't be able to charge them again until they commit another crime, or if a retrial was permitted."

Gon had to admit, Killua was right.

Even with his memories fully restored and intact, Gon was borderline useless to the investigation.

"And so what?" Killua scoffed. "Worse people have gotten off with nothing more than a fuckin slap on the wrist. You don't have to waste away your life in pain in order to be a tool for the lousy law enforcement in a cold case."

Then it occurred to Gon that Killua wasn't saying he was useless to the police, but rather that the police were useless to him. Chances were, despite all the suffering Gon's gone through for this case, the police wouldn't be able to close it anyways. It wasn't worth it. If the killer strikes again, they'd have more admissible evidence. Gon wasn't going to be their golden ticket, and they weren't going to get justice for him.

"And uhm, yknow when you get out of here..." Killua blushed, looking away. "We'll stick together, yeah? I'll stay by your side so... you don't have to be afraid..."

Gon's eyes looked up to Killua's for a moment. For the first time, he actually held eye contact for longer than a second or two. Then he wrapped his arms around Killua's neck and hugged him. Killua stumbled a little from surprise, but wrapped his arms around Gon's waist and hugged him back.

"Promise?" Gon whispered.

"Promise." Killua agreed.

Gon let go, and held his pinky out. "When we leave... we'll stick together..." In response, Killua wrapped his point around Gon's. Gon smiled. "Pinky swear made, whoever breaks it swallows a thousand needles!"

Killua laughed. What a childish tune. It was endearing, refreshing that somehow Gon's held onto some childish mannerisms despite everything. He hugged Gon again.

"Yknow, it feels good to have a friend I can hug like this." Killua said with a smile.

Gon hugged him back, and thought about that statement. Friends? They were friends. Of course. Of course they're friends. But something about that title was... insufficient? It didn't feel right. Killua was Gon's friend but... is that all? It used to feel like the perfect title for them. Friends. But something tells Gon that it's not quite right anymore.

Friends are... well, friends don't get your blood pumping the way Gon's was. Friends don't make you anxious and excited and sick to the stomach every time you even think about spending time with them. Friends don't feel like the world is ending every time a hug comes to an end. Friends don't fantasize about friends the way Gon's dreamt about Killua.

If they're not friends, what were they?

That question started a panic deep inside of Gon. If Killua's not his friend, what is he to him? Had Killua ever wondered about this? Gon didn't want to let go of Killua. He wanted their embrace to last a lifetime. If he let go, would Killua see the questions in Gon's eyes?

Killua let go, and Gon felt a sense of uneasiness. It did feel like the world was ending, as they let go of each other. Which was completely illogical. Killua was still right there, and the world was still functioning as always. There's no problems. Aside from Gon. There was something seriously wrong with Gon. He shouldn't feel so heartbroken and sad after a hug. Hugs should be comforting and leave you feeling satisfied. Right?

Why did he feel this way?

Gon needed to see Miss Siberia, or Bisky- or someone. Something was wrong with him. His heart felt like it blips out of existence for a split second every time Killua would so much as look at him. That couldn't be normal.

Maybe he should ask Killua about it? No, the thought of doing that only made it worse. His heart tightened, and his chest felt light in a really weird way.

"You alright now?" Killua asked.

"...Yeah." Gon nodded. "I'm... I'm fine..."

Killua checked the time. Almost 1am, now. He yawned, still feeling tired despite the six hour nap he got. Extra sleep never hurt. "We should probably sleep, yeah?" Killua suggested. His hand grazed Gon's cheek, looking at his dark circles. "You could use it."

Gon's cheeks turned red, and he turned away from Killua's hand. "...Yeah. Probably..."

"I could just sneak back down to my room." Killua suggested.

"No!" Gon blurted. He covered his mouth, turning red when he realized what he did. Why did he say that? Whatever was wrong with him got worse whenever he thought of Killua leaving. "I-I mean... you can... sleep here. I don't mind." He whispered.

"Okay..." Killua looked at the twin-sized bed. It'd be a tight fit, but if they cuddle it would work. "We'd have to cuddle." He grinned teasingly. "You're cool with that?"

Gon looked away. "...It's fine..."

"Alright." Killua shrugged. Even if he felt like this situation would be dangerous for his heart. He's done a damn good job of suppressing a lot of his feelings for Gon, even if he hasn't been completely successful.

Killua got in bed first, moving the covers out of the way. Gon nervously got in after, facing Killua in quite close proximity. So close their noses were touching. So close that one could feel it when the other started breathing irregularly from panic or nervousness.

"Uh, I'm just gonna..." Killua wrapped his arms around Gon's waist. One underneath, one on top. It gave them a little extra space.

Gon put one of his arms on top of Killua's, not sure what to do. "Uhm..."

"Maybe if..." Killua shifted a little bit, moving up the bed a little. Just enough to rest his chin on top of Gon's head and hug him closer.

Their legs entangled with each other's, and Gon rested his head against Killua's chest. He could hear his heartbeat. Gon's arms went underneath Killua's, and Killua's arms wrapped around Gon's shoulders and underneath Gon's head.

Gon took a deep breath. This was nice.