actions speak louder than words {karlnap}

chapter 3

CW// facial/body dysmorphia, minor talk of suicide

(Nick POV)

Most of our time is spent together. Me and Karl, I mean. Obviously. I mean, we literally live together. His room is right next to mine. I could tap on the wall and he'd tap back a few seconds later. We've done it before -- we came up with a small code, and we've been trying to expand it so when neither of us can sleep, we can just sit and talk for a bit. 

We do that a lot, actually. Just sit and talk. It's like all we do; we just try to spend as much time together as possible.

Mostly we talk about the distance. We're both worried about it. Karl doesn't want me to meet a new student and forget about him, just like I've been anxious about him meeting some hot author kid in one of his classes. We're both cursed with toxic jealousy, I suppose.

At one point, we talked about whether or not we should break up while he's in North Carolina. I mean, college is when you get to screw around and make out with people for the fun of it, right? I wanted Karl to have a full experience, and the distance might be a challenge. He assured me he wouldn't make out with someone at random, even if we weren't together. In the end, that conversation was brushed back into hiding, and we forgot about it.

We've also been trying to learn more about each other. It's not like he could tell me absolutely everything about him last year, since he didn't talk. And I was pretty closed off last year. So we've designated an hour every night for cuddles and share time. Which Karl loves. He's always so excited, which is just so adorable.

I've also asked him about his asexuality, ever since he came out to me a few weeks before the last day. I've asked him about his boundaries, if I've done anything against them in the past. He's assured me I haven't done anything he isn't comfortable with, and he's expressed his boundaries firmly so I know not to cross them. Which I'm grateful for. The last thing I want to do it make him uncomfortable or hurt him. 

We also spend a lot of time with our friends. We go on triple dates all the time; bowling, hikes, movies, swimming, picnics, stargazing, anything we want. But usually it almost doesn't feel like a triple date, since we're all friends. It just feels like we're all hanging out. Which I guess we're doing in the first place... whatever.

If you get it, you get it. If you don't, well, L in chat I guess. 

I think we're both really nervous for when the time comes for him to leave. I mean, after nearly a year of being together, it will be difficult. I know that some people have been together longer and have to be farther apart and I probably sound dependant or clingy or stupid, but I couldn't give a shit. I love Karl with my entire being, no matter what anyone says. 

And we both know we have nothing to prove.

(Karl POV)

Sometimes I wish everyone was born perfect.

Born in the bodies they wanted, with the qualities they desired. Born without anything to judge, not that there are things to judge. Every body is perfect, after all. 

Okay, scratch that,

Sometimes I wish mirrors didn't exist.

They attract your attention to every flaw, they point out every last insecurity. And I have no choice but to look at every single one.

It's not like I want to... you know, commit suicide or anything. Not anymore at least, I suppose. School was awful. But mirrors have a knack for making those feelings bubble up again, even just a bit. 

I'm standing in the bathroom across from Nick's room, in nothing but one of his shirts and my only pair of shorts. I rarely wear them, but Florida gets super stinking hot in the summers, so I wear them to try to not overheat. I frown as my eyes travel over my face and neck. I can't describe it, but something's off. Maybe my eyes are too far apart. Is my smile weird? I look like I have a unibrow, don't I? Is it obvious? 

I bring my hands on my cheeks and pull down. My face sags. I take my hands off. My cheeks are definitely too baby-fatty.

Against my better judgement, I grab the back of Nick's shirt and gather it behind me. My figure looks too skinny. I should go eat a Big Mac or two. It's no wonder I'm always wearing baggy clothes. Geez. 

God I hate my body. 

"Karl?" Nick calls from downstairs. "Dream's asking if we wanna go skating and grab lunch or somethi-"

He cuts himself off as he jogs upstairs and finds my eyes in the reflection on the darned mirror. Maybe they're good for something.

His face falls and he sighs. "Karl," he mutters. He steps towards me, and I let go of his shirt. His arms find their way around my waist, and my eyes fill with tears. His grip tightens, and he presses a kiss to my cheek. "You're perfect," he murmurs. "Anyone who thinks otherwise is a douche and needs their eyes checked."

I sniff and wipe my eyes. "Thanks," I whisper, unable to raise my voice any higher. Even as Nick says it again, the small voice that constantly reminds me I'm ugly keeps at it, nagging me relentlessly. 

He must see it in my eyes, because he moves in front of me, sitting on the counter. He moves me towards him, resting my head on his chest. I wrap my arms around him as his legs move around my hips to pull me closer. I bury my face in his sweater, and he presses a kiss to my hair. 

"I love you, Karl," he whispers. "You're beautiful in your own way. You don't need fancy clothes or anything to prove that. I don't care if you're skinny or what society claims is fat, I love you anyways."

I feel a few tears slip from my eyes, catching on the soft fabric of Nick's hoodie. How he's wearing a hoodie in this heat is beyond me. 

"Even if I don't think it?" I mumble.

He sighs. "Even if you don't think it. Though I wish I could show you just how handsome I think you are," he says, pulling away to cup my jaw. He smiles and boops my nose with his. I giggle, and he brushes away my tears. His smile dims before he presses our lips together. I lean forward, letting my eyes flutter shut. I wish I could stay here forever, kissing Nick until we can't breathe.

But then he pulls away, hops down, and we start getting ready to meet our friends at the skate park.

There are times when I want to smash every mirror in this house, even though it's not mine. 

There are times when I want to curl into a ball and cry, and never resurface again.

But there are also times when I feel so pretty, so handsome, so special I want to parade around town to show off. When I feel like I'm worth something.

Those are the times when I'm with Nick.

I guess when he handed me my stories that fateful January day, he ended up saving my life in more ways than one.

Word Count 1255

~A/N~

IM BACK SO I HAVE MORE KARLNAP

also thank you for 200 reads already! <333

i'll be honest, i didnt know where this chapter was going when i first started writing it, and thats why i didnt publish it yesterday when i actually got home. but i had an idea where nick found karl hating on himself in the bathroom and he tried to console him. i wasnt gonna add it here, but i had NO IDEA what to do for this chapter, so i just put it here.

!!- this is in no way meant to make fun of the actual CC in any way -!!

it kinda turned into a cringey dnf fanfic (no offense sorry ;-;) but i also kinda like it?? its fluffy in a good/bad way i guess. i have no idea. dont hate me ;-;

sorry for the death talk.

also i guess we have a month when SSIV took place! i've decided they met in january and started dating in february**

just remember: even if you dont think so, youre beautiful. dont let idiots think otherwise, or i'll kick their balls in backwards. even if they dont have balls. 

take care of yourself, you deserve it!! love you <333

(i can hear slimecicle downstairs, im going to investigate)

**edit 01/19/23: originally they met in december, but im changing it so they met in january (just after their second semester starts) and they start dating in febraruy. technically it wasnt mentioned in the first book i think so its fine