actions speak louder than words {karlnap}

chapter 19

A/N: in SSIV there was no Chapter 19, just an epilogue. it it good or bad that the sequel will be longer? i have so many more ideas wtf do it do with them all this is gonna end up being twice the length of SSIV /srs

CW// angst

(Nick POV)

The library doors squeak as I shoulder them open, the bit of light from the hallway pouring in past the threshold. The last few rays of sun filter in through the blinds, casting shadows through the rows of bookshelves.

I creep towards the Haven, despite the fact I'm sure Karl knows I'm here. It's a bit harder to slip through the bookshelves than last year, but I still do it. Karl sits on his respective beanbag, not having been used since last year. But it hasn't been moved since I put it there. He has a small camping lamp on the table next to him -- not sure where he got it but whatever -- and he has a notebook in his lap and a pencil in hand. His slanted writing is strewn across the page, probably a college assignment of some kind, maybe a personal story. 

He looks up at me and smiles as I sit down next to him. "Hey," he says. 

"Hi," I reply. I nod towards the notebook. "What's that?"

He looks down at it. "Story."

"What's it about?"

He gives me a flirty smirk. "A quiet boy who falls in love with a basketball player."

I laugh. "Really?"

He sighs and puts both the notebook and pencil in a small backpack I didn't even notice he had. "Unfortunately, no," he mutters. "It's an essay draft for Lit class." He stands up as he talks, moving to sit next to me. I wrap an arm around his waist and he rests his head on my shoulder. 

"Sounds thrilling," I say. He chuckles. "So, um... what did you want to talk to me about?"

He stills, and his breathing slows. I feel his muscles tense, which is never a good sign. "Um," he whispers.

"You don't have to tell me," I murmur, my lips brushing his forehead. 

He shakes his head. "No, I have to," he says. "I'm just working up the nerve to."

Okay, I'm getting bad vibes now. Officially.

I begin to run through different possibilities in my head. There's really not many. 

1. He came back because of Cherry. Highly unlikely. 
2. He came back because college got too stressful. But he'd be able to tell me that, and it sounds like he was really enjoying his classes. 
3. Alex did something

"Is it Alex?"

No reply.

He begins to shake.

"...Karl?"

He inhales shakily. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he whispers, over and over and over. 

I wrap my other arm around him and pull him towards my chest. "Hey hey hey, it's okay, Karl, it's okay," I mumble into his hair. He buries his face in my shirt, crying. My fingers brush through his hair, and I press kiss after kiss against his forehead. 

"It's my fault," he sobs. "All my fault. I fucked up, I'm sorry."

I hug him tigher. "Karl, it's okay, you can talk to me, I promise." 

"You'll hate me," he cries. 

"No I won't."

"You should."

"But I won't," I say. "Karl, please, what's wrong?"

He just shakes his head. 

For a second, I imagine forcing him to look at me, making him tell me what's wrong. But that wouldn't help anybody, and forcing him to tell me would make it so much worse. I know. 

All I can do is hold him. There's so many questions I want to ask, and so many things I don't want to know. 

(Karl POV)

Why am I here? 

Why did I come?

Because Alex kicked me out, basically, and Nick needs to know. 

But all I can do is cry into his shirt as he holds me. 

I feel like such a baby, with him cradling me in his lap, pressing kisses to my hair and whispering that it'll be okay. Which it won't, but he doesn't know that yet. And I'm really not looking forward to when I tell him, because I know for a fact that his perception of me will change, and most likely it'll be worse. 

"Karl, love," he murmurs. "I don't want to rush you or anything like that, but the school is getting locked in ten minutes."

"I do want to tell you," I warble, covering my eyes with my sleeves in a poor attempt to dry them. "I have to. I just don't know how to."

I feel him shake his head. "You don't have t-"

I stand abrubtly and pace back and forth. I hear him shift, I feel his eyes on me. My lungs heave with shaky breaths. 

Just spit it out. Just say it. You have to. Just say it, dammit.

I pause. He sighs. "Karl-"

"I kissed Alex."

I turn to look at him. His eyes flash, too quick for me to read, but I'm sure it's not good. His lips part, and his eyebrows curl down. You know the expression people make when they're not sure they believe you, but they also do, and they're also mad? That's the one he's making right now. And I hate it.

"Okay, technically he kissed me," I correct. "He kissed me, but I didn't do anything to stop him. And I'm honestly not even sure if I kissed back or not, I think I blacked out. All I could think about was you, and how I was betraying you, betraying us, and I hated it." I start pacing again, ignoring the prick behind my eyes of tears coming back. "And then he asked me out! Okay, that's a lie. He asked me out early on, like day two or something. I don't even know why I said yes. But I enjoyed it. And I feel so fucking guilty about it! He asked me out again after we kissed, and I fucking said yes again. And it just confuses me to no end how I'm so desperatley in love with you-" tears begins slipping down my cheeks "-but the cute guy living in my room at college can somehow make me forget about that. And it's such an awful thing to admit, I know. But I've been working myself up over this since school started, and the longer went without saying anything, the worse it got. And then Alex walks in on our call yesterday, goes off on me, and he tells me to come here. Which I'm grateful for, but now you probably hate me and never wanna see me again and in all honesty, I would too." 

I wrap up my speech, taking deep breaths, tears blurring my vision until I blink them away. I hug myself, waiting for Nick to reply. I brace myself for yelling, for arguing, for crying, for everything bad. 

But I feel him cup my jaw, and he tilts my head up. Not by much, because I've grown about 2 inches taller than him, but he forces me to look him in the eyes. 

"I could never hate you," he murmurs, brushing my tears away. 

"Aren't you mad?" I whisper.

He sighs. "You can't control who you fall for," he replies. "I can't get mad at you for that."

I sniff. "B-but I didn't tell you."

His smile is pained. "I'll admit, I am the tiniest bit mad at you for that," he admits. "But I understand where you're coming from."

I blink my eyes, hard, and more tears fall to my shoes. "I'm so sorry, Nick."

He steps closer, resting his forehead against mine. He takes both my hands, linking our fingers. We stand like that for a moment before he rights himself. He lifts my hand, fingers tracing over the gems embedded in the metal. "Do you love me as much as you did when you left?" he asks. 

I chew my lip. "No," I mutter. "I love you more."

Word Count 1314

~A/N~

okay i hope you suckers are happy im feeding you much needed karlnap

dw im not done with them yet >:)

publishing this before my mom yells at me for still being on my computer lol

love yall <3