It's Always Been You

Chapter 33

June 2022

The last month was an absolute whirlwind, filled with so much chaos in my private and playing life that I would never have expected. First off, a few days after our UWCL semi final match against PSG, Sonia called me into her office, joined by two team psychologists. Apparently they had been told by 'someone', that I was struggling with my anxiety and mental health, and despite my strict denial, I was told that I was going to miss the remainder of the season unless I was to be proven medically fit by some therapists they were forcing me to speak to. I was set to do light training, gym work and private mental coaching, and I was so upset. I was being treated like a child, and although I knew that they had my best interests at heart, I couldn't help but take it badly. Not only that, I realised that the only person who knew was Daan, and so I lost all the trust that I thought I had in her. She knew how much I wanted to play, and she still had to go and ruin it. We stopped talking, and although she reached out a couple of times, she received no responses, with me leaving her completely on delivered, not even bothering to read the messages.

I only missed out on one match during my period of 'medical absence', which is what they told the media, against Paris FC, where we thankfully won with a convincing score line of 5-0. Every evening I went to therapy, where I ended up forming a close bond with my therapist Laurie, even though at the start I came in with an extremely stubborn attitude.

Eventually, after around three weeks of consistent counselling and a mental health leave, which was questioned by many fans and journalists as they weren't sure what was wrong with me, I was able to prove that I was fit to play. I told Laurie that my last panic attack was before the semis, when in reality it was when I returned home after I spoked to Sonia and realised it was Daan who had told the staff. Truthfully though, that had been my last one, and the weeks went by quickly and quite calmly. Cleared to play in the Champion's League final, Sonia decided to start me in the midfield, knowing that I would be an important player against our difficult opponents Barcelona. However, around half and hour before the match was set to start, I began to freak out and told Sonia I didn't think that I would be able to play, and so she subsequently removed me from the starting eleven and placed me on the substitutes bench, providing more confusion to the onlooking fans in the Juventus stadium, and all those observing online.

Daan messaged me a couple minutes before the match, sending a massive paragraph of both apology and of encouragement:

Danielle

Hey, just wanted to say hi and let you know that I saw the news about you withdrawing and wanted to know if you were okay. Again, I am so so so sorry for what I did but I thought that it would be good for you and I was really worried. I only did it out of love for you no other reason. I know how passionate you were about playing in the final, and how you just got cleared. and Dama just told me why you withdrew. I hope you know that you are so capable of beating that whole barca team by just yourself, and I hope that you know that you are so special and an amazing player and person. I am so grateful to know you and even if you are still angry at me I just wanted to tell you that I think you are so inspiring and resilient and strong. If you are able to, go out there and play your heart out, beat those Barca bitches and score for your grandmother, and for everyone else you have lost. Score for yourself too, because it is always so important to prioritise yourself and your wellbeing. Again, you are amazing. Go smash it

When Damaris was injured after Ada's equaliser, I instantly went up to Sonia to tell her that I wanted to go on. Daan's message instilled a new feeling of confidence into me that I hadn't felt in a while, and although I was undeniably very mad at her for telling on me, I knew it was because she wanted to look out for me. I was the one being stubborn and reacting badly, taking it out on her when she just wanted to help.

Going on to assist and score, and even successfully convert a penalty kick, was a dream, and I started bawling as soon as the final whistle blew. I had done it for Dad, I had done it for Farfar, I had done it for Astrid, I had done it for Farmor, and most importantly, I had done it for myself.

The celebrations afterwards were some of the best I had ever experienced, as this time I came out on the first place team. After countless of important tournaments ending in second or third, but never the coveted top, I had learnt how to deal with disappointment, but this time I didn't have to. It was a wonderful feeling, filled with so much bliss and joy to celebrate with my teammates and my new club. I felt a passion for the badge, after helping restore the title to the club and the fans.

Before I knew it, the season was over, scoring in a 2-1 win over PSG, which secured us the league title, and then twice again in a 7-0 win over Issy FC to conclude the season. I was so proud to have been involved in winning the league title and Champion's League title, nowing how much it meant to all of the staff, players and fans. Soon, it was time for the Euros, and we started off our campaign with a friendly game against England at home in Gothenburg, which we knew would be our chance to prove our strength and show our determination to win. We beat them 2-0, where I assisted both of the goals, which were scored by Sofia and Lina, giving us loads of confidence going into the Euros.

I still wasn't talking to Daan and didn't respond to her most recent message, even if her words had an impact on me. She was still recovering in the Netherlands, but would be able to return to Lyon after the Euros for preseason in August, and would hopefully be back on the pitch soon after. As much as I wanted to have our friendship back, with our conversations and memories becoming highlights of my life, it was hard to forgive her after she so easily went behind my back and lost my trust. There were other ways she could've gone about the situation, and even though the break did work out positively for me, I wasn't actually so sure whether I wanted us to go back to how it was before, knowing she could do something like that again.

Regarding Sweden, we were all extremely excited for the Euros. Over the years, after our repeated defeats in final and important matches, we had learned that it wasn't the result that was the most important, but the journey it took to get there. We were confident but determined, taking each and every step as a massive milestone, knowing that even though we were definitely capable of winning, getting too cocky was never the right method.

I couldn't wait to see my family, Mom, Andreas and Julie were travelling all around England to watch us play, with Julie and Andreas having the summer off. Knowing that I had their nonstop support meant the world to me, and I was so grateful to have such a supportive family, even if we had so many unnecessary events thrown at us throughout the years. We pushed through, and I was happy with where I was. My final goal for the year was to win the Euros with Sweden, with a newfound determination developing after my extremely successful club season, and I hoped that I would be able to push my anxiety away, and instead help my team and represent my country proudly.