Waiting for my death | Horizon zero dawn fanfiction

Chapter 1: Dear Ivy,

Dear Ivy,
It's now been one month since your passing. I miss you more than anything. It's been a rough month, not only to me, but also to the world. I don't blame you for wanting to leave... perhaps it was a good decision considering what humanity now stand against.

I stare at the ink on the paper with a trembling hand that's holding my pen. There are so many things I want to tell Ivy, but my mind has gone blank. Perhaps it's because of all my sleepless nights, or because of the recent news blasting in our ears non-stop. Nobody talks about anything else than the "peacekeepers" or whatever you want to call them. They've gone mad... or something. I don't even want to think about it.

I gently close the notebook in front of me. I know that writing down something digitally and storing it in a datapoint is much more effective, but I don't want my parents or Elle finding that information if they simply started snooping around my room. Our focuses detect anything data related in a matter of seconds. I don't want them to know the secrets I share with Ivy. Or, I mean, used to share.

But she's gone now.

I launch myself onto my bed as I play the same thoughts on repeat. Where did everything go so wrong? Ivy were never suicidal... or at least I don't think she were. What if she was suffering in silence and I didn't know? But, we always had each other, despite the circumstances. We had sleepovers so often that I almost mistook her for my sister once. Oh god, we laughed so much when that happened... I was so tired and then I accidentally called her by the wrong name and...

I catch myself getting carried away by the joyful memories again.

I'm so tired of crying, but my emotions end up getting the best of me. I press my head against the pillow harder and harder, but the misery doesn't end no matter how much tighter the grip gets. I aggressively punch the mattress, wanting to scream. I wanna scream at Ivy for leaving me like this, without even saying goodbye. She couldn't even spare me a letter. But most of all, I wanna scream at myself for being so selfish before she left this world.

I realize that I've lost track of time when I hear my mom calling me downstairs. How long have I been laying here crying like a little baby?

"Liv, dinner's ready!"

"I'm not hungry," I reply with a crack in my voice.

"Please sweetheart, eat with us just this night, we miss you. Don't you miss celebrating sabbath with us?"

Honestly, I had completely forgotten about the fact that it's sabbath today. It's something I usually never miss. I used to look forward into coming home from school and immediately helping my parents by fixing the food and cleaning the house before nighttime hits.

"I'm sorry, mom, maybe another day."

My stubbornness will never beat my mom's. I hear her footsteps from the stairs and before I know it she's emerged in my room. She sits down on the edge of my bed, and I look into her eyes, full off compassion and love. I wish I could give that back.

"Oh Liv, I hate seeing you like this. I mourn her too, you know, she was such a sweet little child."

She lightly moves her hand along my arm. A silent tear runs down my cheek just by the mention of Ivy. How am I ever going to repair from this?

"Just know that we're here for you, okay sweetheart? You don't have force yourself to be with us if you don't want to," mom says, pulling me in for a warm hug.

I've always had my mom when I needed to. Ivy never had that luck. Her mom passed away from cancer when she were only five years old. She told me she only had vague memories of her left, but she held onto them tightly.

Her loss reminded me to always appreciate what I have, since you never know when you might loose them. She taught me that lesson twice.

-

After some minutes of laying down in my bed wondering wether I should go downstairs or not, I finally decide to stand up and hopelessly walk down the stairs. I have to watch out from bumping into things or stumble on a threshold because of the darkness consuming this house. No candles or electricity are allowed after the sunset because of the sabbath. We're also not allowed to do any form of work, therefore the food was already prepared.

I hear mom and dad's voices from the kitchen as I navigate through the house. I think I missed the part where mom reads the blessing aloud, but it's fine, I've heard it a thousand times already.

To mom and dad, our Jewish culture is important, but to me, it's whatever. I don't know if I want to dedicate a huge part of my lifetime into religious things. I must be the least interested person in my family. Luckily, my sister Elle might keep the tradition.

"We don't have a choice," I hear mom say as I emerge into the kitchen, "we have to do this. Look on the bright side, me might be saving millions of lives in the future."

I sit down on the table next to Elle, exchanging a swift glance towards her. She carelessly wipes out her tears as I then grab some beef stew and bread, pretending as if I didn't see anything.

"So you finally decided to show up," dad remarks delightfully.

"We can't just leave Liv alone here!" Elle yells, continuing with the ongoing conversation they had before I got here.

"What are you guys talking about?" I ask, and mom's face turns into stone.

"We can talk about it later, sweetie."

We're not supposed to talk about these things during the sabbath, but I don't care.

"It's about the swarm, isn't it?"

Dad sighs. "We have to attend the military, Operation Enduring Victory, as it's called."