Waiting for my death | Horizon zero dawn fanfiction

Chapter 9: Aching Scars

Dear Ivy,
Listening to music is my only way to feel any sort of way the past few days. It's the only thing that brings me closer to how things used to be, but still everything hits differently somehow. Nothing will ever be the same with the lack of your presence. I can't live in this made up delusion forever in order to cope with everything going on.

My eyelids are fighting for their dear life in order to stay open. My eyes blinks blazingly as I try to gaze at the depressing window in front of me. The glass is stained with hopeless teardrops from the pouring rain outside, mildly reflecting my corrupted red eyes.

I feel like a dead man walking. Existing on this earth merely breathing. My head feels dizzy and disconnected at all times, like a fog spreading mercilessly in a dark forest after an intense storm. There's a constant ache I feel on the side of my head, pulling me beneath the surface when I'm only trying to do every day chores. How much longer can I live like this?

I try to resist as hard as I can to stay away from the news. Grandma is feeling the constant anxiety too, it's gnawing at us like a bloodthirsty parasite. We never speak of it, though. Our silence speaks the most volumes in this tense household.

I've been keeping contact with my family, fortunately. They haven't been boarded anywhere yet. Their enthusiasm and charisma are one of the few things that are keeping me going. I'm constantly walking around praying for their safety. Maybe their faith in God keeps them going headstrong. Perhaps it would have been easier for me to deal with all of this if I was a convinced believer myself. An afterlife would be quite reassuring after all.

When I'm done writing down my daily notes for Ivy, I discreetly make my way downstairs. As I glance outside the high reaching windows I notice how dead this city has become. So many stores have closed down, I assume people refuse to keep society going during these times. Almost no people are outside despite being early in the morning.

Grandma is sitting in the sofa, petting Andy with puppy eyes as she sips her morning tea. She puts down the cup when she sees me descend from the stairs and puts her free hand on Andy's head.

"Good morning, Liv! Did you get a good nights sleep?"

"Yes, what about you?" I say, hoping her suspicion won't penetrate my lie.

"I slept wonderfully, thank you for asking!" She exclaims happily.

I go to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. What type of conversations do you even make with an old person you have next to nothing in common with?

"Grandma..." I stutter as I apply butter on my sandwich. Keeping everything on the inside is like slowly adding more gasoline to a wild spreading fire. What would I even begin to tell her? Should I tell her I feel terribly empty and I get anxiety attacks daily? That I vomited a few days ago because I simply couldn't handle all of this? I miss Ivy, my parents and sister more than anything?

"What's on your mind, sweetheart?"

The tone of her voice is so light that it makes me want to cry. She fully understands things aren't right in my head but none of us has brought anything up.

"I'm not feeling so well" is all I manage to say.

"I've been noticing. Is it about all the news or is it something else?"

"Partly yes, I suppose. I don't think anyone's happy about the world being on the bringe of ending."

"Hmmm." She schemes. "Let me tell you a little story."

I discreetly lift one of my eyebrows. This was not what I was expecting to hear from her.

"Do you know what happened in 2020?"