Waiting for my death | Horizon zero dawn fanfiction

Chapter 5: Good Goodbye

Dear Ivy,
It all happened so fast. I blinked and suddenly you're gone and my whole family is about to leave me behind. This threat has increased significantly in only the last few days. I didn't expect to face the dark without you. How did you and your family cope with your mother's passing? I suppose I didn't know what I had until it was gone, which was a lesson you faced that I failed to follow.

I swiftly slam my notepad shut when I hear moms footsteps from the stairs. I then put it in the drawer attached to my desk, hoping my family isn't snooping around my room to find it. What would they have of use from my words of sorrow, anyhow?

"It is decided," I hear moms voice behind me, "you are staying at your grandma in San Francisco while we're gone."

I feel somewhat of a relief hearing those news, considering grandma unexpectedly has a pretty luxurious apartment in one of the finest areas of San Francisco. She used to be an engineer before she got hired to work for FAS, and those jobs aren't exactly minimal wage. She is quite an incredible woman, but I don't think she'd be so pleased with the recent news spreading like a wildfire. I wonder if she feels guilty, or if she's too old to understand the damage she was a part of inflicting on us younger generations.

"Mom..." I whimper, "can't I go with you? I-"

Please don't leave me

"I know, I know, but we have no other choice. I assure you that grandma will take very good care of you."

"When am I leaving?"

"The train from Denver to San Francisco is leaving tomorrow morning. It is aligned with the time our train will departure, so we will have time to say goodbye. Grandma will be meeting up with you in the station. The only thing you need to do is step on the train, sit there until you've reached the destination and then step off the train and look for grandma."

I get slightly annoyed at the overly detailed explanation, like I am a little kid going on a train alone for the first time. Even if it's technically correct, and even if I'm already overthinking this. I suppose I get annoyed at myself for being such a coward rather than my mom treating me like one.

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Tomorrow arrives a lot faster than I had anticipated.

Not enough time.

Not enough time to inspect my childhood home for (presumably) the last time. Not enough time to look through old school notes, remembering the constant suffering of school results never being good enough for me, unaware that it would never even matter anyway. Not enough time to say farewell to Pringles, our cat, who's a bit too old to still be alive. He strokes wholeheartedly against my hand unaware of the fact that it will be our last moment together.

Not enough time to visit Ivy's grave for the first time.

I've been a hopeless pile of dirt the last few months, avoiding activities at all costs. I've been away from school for a month and the amount of work I'm missing is immensely stressful, but when I try to study it feels like everything in my brain just shuts off. Like I'm in a simulation that gets turned off when it gets overstimulated. My mom has been trying to make me see a psychiatrist, but other things got in the way and we never got to it.

I am sitting on the floor holding out my hand to Pringles. He consistently uses my fist as the perfect scratching place, and I'm too eager to let go. I want this moment to last forever.

"What are we going to do with him?"

My mom looks at me with heavy eyes. She opens her mouth but instantly closes it again, only letting out a minor breath.