GODSPEED | HARRY STYLES

THIRTY-FIVE.

September, 2017.

The past couple months have been pretty hectic.

Between fittings, tour rehearsals, late night talk show performances, and working at the shop, I haven't had much time to myself. Which is pretty crummy considering tour starts in a few days and I won't have any time to myself.

There's just been so much to take care of before I leave to practically tour the world. And as soon as the album dropped, we had to go wherever Harry was to perform.

Not to mention, there was a lot to do in regards of the record shop. I needed to find a replacement manager for the time being as well as approve inventory for the rest of the year and then some. And since Kush would be accompanying me on this tour, and Maeve had her own shit to do, I had to actually interview and find someone I trusted enough.

Luckily, this person has a lot of experience so I'm not too worried. Plus, Maeve will check in when need be and my parents will fly out every now and then to make sure everything is going good.

It's just been a lot. Now, all I really have to do is pack and make sure I don't forget the chords to the songs.

Maeve's been a wreck as tour has been approaching. She keeps crying anytime we converse. It makes me really uncomfortable when anyone cries in front of me, so I kind of just sit there. Then she goes on and tells me she's gonna miss me and it's gonna be so lonely here and it just feels weird.

Like I said, Kush is coming with me so she only really has Jamie and my moms when they stay with her to visit. I even offered to have Kush stay, but it seems everyone would be more comfortable if he was with me. Just so things don't get out of hand.

I can't even believe it was approved. It seems I can get away with a lot due to Harry's ongoing favoritism of me.

I mean, okay, I guess.

"I got you something." Maeve says as we're packing.

"You didn't have to do that."

Oh man, I hate gifts.

"But I wanted to."

After a moment, she returns from leaving to her room with a small gift bag. She hands it to me with a smile.

"Maeve—"

"This is more for me than it is for you. So, please." She pleads, her eyes full of desperation.

Sighing, I remove the tissue and peer into the bag. It's a small moon shaped thingy.

I pull it out. It is in fact, some sort of replica of the moon.

"It's a light," She tells me. "For long distance. I have one too. Basically, you keep this with you and every night, you turn it on. Set it to whatever color you want. If you turn yours on, mine will turn on or change colors, telling me you're alive and okay. Just in case you forget to touch your phone. This way I'll just know. Won't worry as much. I can change the color too, so I'll always do pink, so you know it's me. Just in case you kinda miss me too."

"Oh," I quietly say. "This is...cool."

"I know you're not a sentimental person, but frankly I think I need this more than you. So please, do you think you could just do this? You'll be so far, for so long and I don't know..."

I glance at her.

Fuck.

"I'll uh...I'll do green. So you know it's me."

A large smile of relief spreads across her face and she nods eagerly.

"Okay," She exhales. "Okay, yeah."

"I have to finish packing now."

"Right, yeah."

I hear something by my door, and look to see Jamie standing there.

"Can I come in?" He asks.

"Sure, JD."

He enters the room and looks around.

"I just wanted to know if you wanted your Walkman back. For tour."

"Nah, it's okay."

"Are you sure? What if you want music?"

"I have headphones. I can use my phone. More convenient that way. Plus, I wouldn't wanna lose it out there. So take care of it, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"And keep an eye on that one," I lower my voice as I glance at Maeve. "She needs you. Take it easy on her and do good in school and shit."

"Would it be weird to say I'll miss you?"

"Kinda," I shrug. "But uh...I guess I'm just as weird for feeling the same."

We spend the next couple hours finishing up my luggage. And when it's all done, we eat Chinese food on the couch (after some convincing to Maeve) and watched a movie.

Maeve cleaned up while I went through more music with Jamie before he had to go to bed. And when that came around, it was just me and Maeve again.

"Do you feel like this'll help your sobriety?" She asks me randomly.

"I'm not sure."

Doubtful. Considering I didn't really choose to be sober. I'd go back if I could.

But I won't say that.

"I think it will."

The hope she has for me makes me feel some sort of way.

I want to have that same hope for myself, but I don't.

I want to do better. I want to want it, but I just don't. I don't enjoy being sober. The weed isn't enough to me. I get this deep craving for more and more but I know if I do it, everything will fall apart.

I'll lose everyone this time and for good. I don't think it's worth that. But, I don't know.

Part of me thinks I could get away with not being sober without anyone knowing. If I do it right. Nothing that will completely alter me. Just enough to end the suffering that is these cravings.

Then again, I have a lot to lose right now. Fucking around wouldn't be a good idea.

Fuck.

I wish I could feel that confidence Maeve feels for me. I just can't.

I didn't even think I would make it this far.

Whatever.

"Made it this far, I guess." Is all I reply with.

"Even if you do slip up, I'll always be here, Roe. I really hope you know that."

"No, don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Don't tell me that. Because if I ever do slip up and go back, and I let it get too far, there has to be a point where you give up. Set a boundary. I won't take advantage of your kindness, Maeve. No matter what I'm doing."

"But I don't want to give up on you."

"I'm saying if it ever got bad."

"Even then."

"I'm going to bed."

In my room, I lie in bed and stare at my ceiling. I wonder if this will be good for my sobriety. I don't know, I don't wanna think about any of it.

Right before I go to sleep that night, my moon turns pink.

I laugh and shake my head.

***

I'm trying to update y'all i really am i am just so damn depressed tho