Brighter Than The Stars: Book One

𝒞𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝒯𝒽𝒾𝓇𝓉𝓎-𝒪𝓃𝑒: 𝐼𝓂𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓈𝒾𝒷𝓁𝑒 𝒞𝑜𝓃𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓈𝒶𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈

"Well, that was..." Elijah paused to come up for the right word as the hotel door closed behind him. "Interesting."

Madeline turned to smile at him, tossing her coat and purse onto the loveseat next to their luggage. "Interesting, like you can't wait to do it again?"

"Interesting, like I can't believe that all just fucking happened," Elijah corrected her, dropping his own coat on top of hers. "Your mom asking if something happened meant that we had sex was truly the icing on the cake."

There were no chances for Madeline to ask about the shift of his mood at the dinner, and he'd gone back to acting as casual as could be by the time the server came back with the drink order. Still, it was such a strange reaction to the light teasing. At least, light in comparison to the rest of it.

"You had a weird mood at dinner," Madeline spoke before she sat herself on the edge of the bed.

She expected him to deny it, or brush it under the rug, contributing it to being overwhelmed. Instead, Elijah let out a slow breath while his gaze landed on the carpet. "Yeah. A part of me feels like we can talk about it another time, but I've been in relationships before where the topic didn't come out until later, and it was a hell of a lot harder. For them, at least. I'd never gotten that attached to anyone, but this is you we're talking about, and I think it's safe to say that attachments already happened."

Elijah lifted his head, but didn't look at her. Instead, he turned around and walked over to the luggage, placing it on the floor so he could sit on the loveseat. "I don't know how you feel about them, Madeline, but you should know I never plan on having children. I don't have sex without a condom, ever, and I usually expect the woman to be on birth control before we sleep together. I've been saving for the last ten years to get a vasectomy.

"So I guess that it's not that I don't plan on having kids, but I'm actively making sure that I never do."

The words stung so much more than Madeline thought they would. She wasn't in that stage of her life where she was ready to have a child, but she knew she wanted one down the line. If there'd been some home at the end of the tunnel like, 'I never wanted kids before, but maybe', it would be different.

But Elijah seemed pretty well set in his plan, which clearly hadn't wavered as he considered a future with her the night after he'd come back into her life. Madeline already knew his reasoning.

There was an anger within Elijah he might very well never be fully rid of. He'd learned how to control, when to release it safely, and did his best not to give in. It was an anger that not only came from being his father's punching bag for years, but in Elijah's mind, something inherited from his father, who inherited it from his father. He felt that anger was deep within his genes, and just forever a part of him.

For Elijah, not having children meant breaking that cycle. Likely, he also didn't trust himself being a parent with that type of anger constantly lingering within him.

"Not even adoption? I'm guessing a part of your reason is the family genes." Madeline asked after silence took over the room for a solid minute or more.

Elijah leaned back on the small sofa and put his feet on the table. "I won't say that's completely off the table, somewhere way down the line. But so far, therapy helped, but it hasn't cured me. That means there's a fair chance I can't be cured, Maddie, and I don't want you hanging on to a possibility that will probably never happen. I'd rather you resent me for this than resent me for taking away your chance at motherhood, if that's what you want. And I'm guessing it is."

"It is," Madeline confessed. Through all of his confession, the one thing that stood out to her the most was probably the smallest, almost insignificant thing she couldn't ignore.

She was back to being Maddie.

Since their kiss early that morning, he'd called her either M&M or Madeline. When she first heard her full name pass his lips, it felt like they'd just developed into something beyond friendship. So, what was the opposite of evolution? Madeline couldn't think of a word, but 'dissolved' felt the most fitting. And fuck if it didn't sting like all hell.

Madeline lifted herself from the bed, her legs feeling wobbly beneath her. "I'm going to take a shower."

"Do you want me to leave?" Elijah asked then, still not looking at her. "Let your parents drive you home at the end of the weekend?"

Her tears fell then, taken over by a fear she'd been able to put in the back of her mind for the last week and a half. Elijah was ready to cut and run. He could say it was because he wanted what was best for her, but wasn't that part of his reasoning the last time? But hell, at least he was nice enough to ask her first.

"Are you still capable of doing that? Walking away from me?" Madeline asked, her arms crossed as she looked right at him, despite him still unwilling to look at her.

Elijah dropped his temple to his palm, letting out a quiet breath before he responded. "Am I capable of it? Yes. But it would kill me, Maddie, or at least make me completely indifferent to death. I just don't know where to go from here.

"I know I want to be with you. I want to be your first, and already, I want to be your only. The idea of you finding happiness with another guy who'll give you everything you deserve guts me like you wouldn't believe. But the idea of you finding happiness with me just to watch it fade away because I can't give you everything you deserve... I'd lose you forever in every way possible, and I can't accept that, Maddie."

"Maddie," she repeated, her own name cutting against her skin, worse than a fiery blade. "You keep fucking saying that."

"It's your name."

"You were calling me Madeline after the kiss, and now you're back to Maddie. It's like your subtle way of breaking up with me, without having to say the words."

Elijah stood from the couch, his gaze finally looking at her, yet also appearing completely lost. "What else is there? You want me to take your virginity? You want us to fall hopelessly in love, make a life with each other for as long as we can, until reality kicks in, and you leave me for someone who'll give you what I can't?"

She was twenty-one, too young to decide relationships on future children who were far in the distance of her life. She still had to finish college, which was a ways off since she was going for her master's in social work.

"I don't know what I want," Madeline confessed. "I mean, I know I want you, but you're making it sound like that's not really an option. Fifteen hours ago, you told me you wanted a genuine relationship with me. You asked me out on a date. You sounded like you wanted to build a future with me. Now you're telling me I can't have any of that."

Elijah walked over to her, keeping a sliver of distance between the two of them. "I do want all of that with you, Maddie, but we have to be realistic here. I've studied this shit, hoping to find some sort of silver lining. Some kind of hope.

"Depression, check. Anger issues, check. Attachment disorder, check. Anti-social, that's improved a bit, but there's still very much a check there. Criminal activity, check. PTSD, check.

"Do you know why my first serious girlfriend couldn't sleep next to me? Because the second night she did, I woke up with my hands on her throat. I was having a night terror, and she tried waking me up from that. I don't want that to happen to you, Maddie, and I don't want to raise a kid, so they have to witness how fucked up I really am, or worse, turn out like me.

"I wish this conversation hadn't come so soon. I would have loved to have had you for as long as I could, but once your dad brought it up, I couldn't ignore it. Falling in love with you was never a choice, M&M. It's like my entire life's been pre-written to find my way to you, and find some sort of light at the end of the dark tunnel.

"But you are the light, Maddie, and I'm your dark tunnel, and I don't want to be some pain you have to survive or struggle to adapt to, and I can never be a father. I won't. I would love nothing more than to be your everything, M&M, but I can't be your pain, and I can't hold you back from all the beautiful things you want in life."