ashes ➝ Doctor Who²

II

"What do you mean?" Jasper struggled to look at her. Knowing that what he was asking was a little ambitious, and she didn't exactly look the best right now either. As harsh as it sounds, she looked like she had been through hell.

"You need to get out of here Penelope. You know I'm your friend, but you look like shit." She scoffed, turning away from him.

"Yeah, thanks, that's going to help." Her voice was raspy, she knew he was right.

"When was the last time you left the house? Left this room?"

"I-"

"Hell, when was the last time you left the couch Penelope? I am offering you a solution, please take it." She sighed, head pounding at the intensity of his voice.

"Can I at least think about it?"

"No." She looked up to him, the two finally making eye contact. "We both know that if I left you here to think it would make it worse."

"Okay, no- you have a point." He did. "But I can't just get up and leave. I'm not who I was a couple months ago Jasper." He put a comforting hand on top of the mound of blankets, hoping she could feel it.

"I don't need you to be who you were. I want to help you create a new you." She watched him closely, dreary eyes squinted in suspicion.

"Torchwood ruined my life."

"So join us, lead us so that no one can get hurt again." She sighed heavily before trying to sit up, struggling against the weight of the blankets.

Jasper helped her up, pushing away her covers with an ease that made her realise she hadn't done much in a long time.

She was dirty, she could feel it. The kind of dirt that clings to you after a long time - so long that it becomes part of you. The kind that feels like mould underneath your skin. And her entire body screamed at her to lay back down, to fall into tormented bliss. But she couldn't, she was sitting now, with a sturdy hand keeping her there. Her hair hadn't grown much, but it was greasy and knotted and didn't look quite as ginger as before. And she was so, so cold. She had become used to her life, her room, but she knew it was disgusting.

She was disgusting.

"Could you help me to the shower?" Jasper nodded, and she could see his eyes brighten at the prospect of her getting better. It made her heart sting, or maybe it was the cold nipping at her again.

He helped Penelope to her feet, and together they made it to the doorway of the bathroom. He wanted to pick her up, keep the weight off her ankles that had not been used in some time. But she didn't usually want his help, so he stayed quiet and helped where she wanted.

Letting go of him, her frail hand moved forward to grasp the door frame. She had barely taken one step away from him before she crumpled to the ground. Her legs ached, and her head hurt. She didn't remember the light being so bright in here.

Jasper was immediately by her side, letting her sit there and breathe. He didn't touch her, he just let her be. It was quiet for a while, long enough for her breathing to even out.

"Do you want my help?" She was quiet, her breathing had become erratic again, and shallow. And his heart broke when he recognised the sound. She was crying again.

"I'm sorry." He picked her up, as softly as he could, and sat her against the side of the bath. "I'm so sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry." He started the bath, putting in the plug and making sure the water was alright for her. He sat next to her as they waited for the bath to fill up.

"I'm so so sorry."

"It's okay Penelope."

"It's all my fault." At this he carefully took her face into his hands and turned her to look at him. Tears streamed down her face, cold and dead. And so very broken.

"It is not your fault. You couldn't have known. No one knew. Not even the Doctor."

"I'm sorry Jasper. You expect me to be this- this person. Who's just so great and perfect and good. But what kind of leader can't even walk to their own bathroom."

"The kind that has been through enough. You need a team behind you. Someone to take care of you. You help us save the world, we will save you." He smiled, and for the first time she actually looked at him, rather than just blankly staring at his outline. And his eyes were warm, they were real.

"Thank you."

"Of course Penelope. I'll leave you to wash, take as long as you need. I won't lock the door, so call if you need me." He smiles again, before standing and leaving the room. Dutifully not locking the door as he left, and she strained to hear him as he moved around her living room.

For the first time in months, she didn't feel so bad.