Sambucky One Shots

Pour your heart out

"Let's see what you got here, my grumpy cyborg." Sam chuckled to himself, opening Bucky's diary.

"Sam....I have thought about something...for a while by now. And.... I want you to...read a diary of mine, that I just... Recently finished writing for you to read. I...I want you to know. And... when you would be done reading it, you can keep it to yourself or give me back, just please make sure no one else gets to that." Sam remembered Bucky telling him these exact things one afternoon over the phone. It was pretty sudden.

Today he came in Sam's apartment, spent some time together and gave him that diary. At first he wanted to go back to his apartment but then a heavy rain started and he had to stay. After a while Bucky told Sam to just read the diary and get done with it, the sooner the better. He looked scared... nervous and kind of hopeful at the same time.

Heyy Sam,
Um...as I already said, I want you to know. I want to tell you so much...but I don't know where to start or how to begin. I'm... I'm not okay. I guess you never thought I would confess this to you or anyone but here it is... I'm not alright. I'm way too far from being alright I guess. I'm not the Bucky Barnes Steve knows. I'm not the winter soldier anymore. I feel like I'm.... Broken. Way too much. I remember the things Hydra made me do. I couldn't stop myself when they made me do those stuff but I remember. I remember how Hydra killed me every single day. And I remember every person I killed. And... I want to be forgiven. People have forgiven me, I know that. I've been pardoned but... I cannot forget it. I feel so tired, weak and helpless. But I don't want anyone to pity me. I need a hug you know. A hug that will last for like an hour. I really like you Sam. Like, like you. But I couldn't tell you. I don't want to drag you into my issues even more than I already have. I just need someone to hold me I guess, sometimes. Man, this is all over the place. I don't even know what I'm writing.

I wanted to write so much more. I thought about everything before but now that I try to write it, I can't anymore. I feel too tired to write. I just need a hug, man. Wanted to write so much more but now it's just two little paragraphs. I'm too tired. Just need a hug. Really need one. You don't have to like me back, you know. Just give me a hug and I'll leave you alone.

When Sam finished reading and looked up, he saw Bucky staring at the TV. Didn't seem like he was watching the cooking show that's been playing.

"Hey Buck," Sam whispered, moving closer to Bucky. The super soldier looked up at him, face void of emotion but eyes full of hope and fear at the same time.

Sam slowly wrapped his arms around Bucky, practically pulling him on his lap. And they hugged each other awkwardly just like that, until their sobs turned to little sniffles and they were tired enough to just fall asleep on the floor, tangled with each other.

________

This is something I just wrote out of my own struggles. I want to speak or write it all down but feel too tired. And I actually wanted to write more from Bucky's perspective and his situation in that diary but entangling it with my own issues made it harder for me to write it down. So I just finished it the way I do all time, "I'm too tired to talk."

Maybe I'll repost this chapter again if I can find the energy to put my thoughts in words.

Still hope it was alright.

Send me prompts guys!