A life change

It's complicated.

The car ride was silent. I got a few looks from Derek and he even tried to start an conversation with me multiple times but I just couldn't say anything. I just thought about the kiss. Why didn't I pull away? Why did I kiss him back? All kinds of thoughts popped up in my head. Am I really gay? What about Lydia? What the hell am I doing? Also, I've only "known" Derek for like four days, i don't know who he is, I don't know anything about him except that he clearly is a cigarette addict. My hands got all sweaty and my heart started to pound faster. It was a panic attack. I get these kind of attacks very often, it started when my mom died and now I get them at least once a month.

I stopped the car. We were right on the road in the middle of the woods.

"Why did you stop the car?" He asked.

"Sorry you have to get out." I couldn't look at him. I tried to breathe and stay calm

"What? What's going on?" He asked. He sounded nervous and kind of shocked.

"Just get out, please." I raised my voice.

Derek looked at me and then he looked out thru the window. He didn't say anything. He opened the door and got out of the car. He walked like ten meters away from the car and stood right in the middle of the road. After about thirty seconds he took up a cigarette and lit it. He looked back at me, took a smoke of the cigarette and started to walk forward.

I had a lump in my throat and I tried to calm down while I saw him disappearing out of the woods.

Next day

I woke up to the sun shining into my room and the birds chirping outside my window. The first thing that hit me was Derek. I made a big yawn and rubbed my eyes. I picked up my phone and went on instagram. Lydia had posted a picture of herself with her dog Prada. I looked the picture for a while, her green eyes was staring into the camera and I got a horrible feeling. I had still not talked to her, it's been five days since I talked to her. Maybe I should give it a chance and call her, well if she she still wants something to do with me. I need to explain why I ran away from her and why I never called her back.
I decided to write a massage to Lydia and ask her if we could talk.

"Hey....can we meet at the park later today and talk?"

My hand was literally shaking before I pressed the 'send' bottom. I sat like an owl, looking into the phone and waited for a response. And finally I got a text back from Lydia.

"I'll be there." It said.

I actually got quite shocked. I thought that the respond would be more like "fuck you" or "I don't wanna see you again."

Later that day

I walked down to my car and jumped in. I was going to the park to see Lydia. I was nervous, I didn't know what I was supposed to say to her. And I didn't know what she was going to say to me. When I arrived I accidentally parked the car on a private aria, but I didn't care. I walked away to the park and searched for Lydia. I saw her sitting on a bench. Her strawberry blond hair was shining and she looked stunning, like always. When I walked up to her she stood up and looked at me. Suddenly, I stood face to face with her and that's when it happened. I felt her fist hitting me in the face.

"You son of a bitch!" She yelled.

"Five days Stiles? Five freaking days?" She looked at me, she had tears in her eyes and you could see her lips shaking.
My cheek was burning. She really hit me hard. I looked at her and I didn't know what to say.

"I...Lydia I'm Sor-"

She interrupted me.

"Don't you dare say you're sorry. Because you're not." She said.

I saw a tear fall down her cheek.

"You clearly don't like me anymore. And Stiles that's okay. But don't lie about it or ignore me. For five days I've felt like I've done something horrible to you, and that's why your ran away. But I can't think of anything I've done, so please, please tell me what I've done wrong!"

She sobbed. She was really upset and her face were red from all the crying.

I couldn't stand seeing her so sad. So I took her hand and pulled her close to me and gave her a hug.

"Shhh, Lydia you haven't done anything." I whispered.

Her head rested on my chest while I stroked her gently on the back. She was still crying and I felt how she hugged me back.

"Why did you leave?" She asked.

"I don't know. I'm sorry Lydia. It will never happen again, I promise." I whispered.

I gave her a soft kiss on her head and she looked up and looked into my eyes.

"I love you. Don't you understand that?" She asked.

I didn't come up with anything else to say than:

"I do, I do understand. I love you too."

She smiled and gave me a big hug.

Next day.

I woke up with Lydia beside me. I turned around and looked at her. She was still sleeping. She had no makeup on and she was completely naked. Only a thin sheet was hiding her body. She was breathing slowly and peacefully.
I got a feeling that told me that what we did was wrong. Or more like what I did was wrong. I told her that I loved her. And I know that I do but it just feels so wrong. Derek is still left in my mind, and I can't stop thinking about the kiss.

My whole body was filled with anxiety. I left Lydia sleeping in the bed and pulled on my underwear, took a pack of cigarettes and a lighter that I bought the other day and went out on the balcony. I looked out over the city and took a smoke of the cigarette. After about five minutes I heard a voice saying:

"Since when did you start smoking?"

It was Lydia.

"About one and a half weeks ago." I said. I was still looking over the city.

She came from behind and gave me a hug and kissed my back.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked.

"Nothing." I said.

I turned around and looked her right in her eyes and smiled. She was looking at me in a worried way.

"Really, it's nothing." I said again and gave her a kiss on her forehead and walked back to bed.