Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

83. To involve

[Before anything: Trigger warning for mentions of self harm and suicide. Please don't read if that triggers you]

[A/N: This wasn't going to be a long chapter, but it ended up being over 5000 words. I just felt like it needed another dimension added to it. Hopefully you'll enjoy it💗]

It was early morning, and I was awake.
Too awake; I couldn't seem to settle. My brain was all over the place, spiralling like never before. My heart was pounding; it was inevitable, even though I was trying to take deep breaths and calm myself.

The clock had just struck four.
It was still dark out.
I was tapping, tapping and tapping.
Trying to resist the worst routines of my mind by overdoing the less harmful ones.
The glow-in-the-dark stars of the ceiling gave me some comfort in the dark room.
I had only slept for minutes at a time, and I had officially given up. The flashbacks came back the second I closed my eyes, attacking all of my senses.
And I refused to fall asleep properly; because I didn't want to wake up screaming, which then would wake Lin or Vanessa and worry them.
So, therefore, I laid there in my anxious state, wishing and waiting for the time to pass quicker.

I reached for my phone to check the time, and saw that Dom had texted me around 15 minutes ago.

>> You up?👀

<< Actually, I am

>> Great! I just finished editing the photos from prom. I'll email them to you. There's a great one of you dancing.

I tiredly smiled, but I didn't have enough in me to actually care. I just had to tap. I had to get through today. Those photos would have to wait.

<< Thanks

>> You okay?❤️ You seem off

I hesitated before I replied.

<< I'm just about to have a really shitty day, that's all

At least that was true.

>> I'll come over later? Brighten your spirits?

<< Thanks, but I'll be fine. See you tomorrow? Tuesdays at Tua's?

I replied, trying to get some normality out of it all. Maybe it was because I needed something to look forward to, because now I had nothing.

There was nothing past today.
And today was going to be horrendous.
It was inevitable.

I put my phone away, deciding to try for another hour to get some sleep. Yet, before I could, my phone started ringing. I briefly checked the call ID, seeing how Dom's name was lighting up the screen.
Before I knew it, I had picked up.
Maybe because I really needed to hear him talking.
"Hey, Rue?", his caring voice said, though it almost sounded like a question.
"Hey Dom", I quietly replied, afraid to wake the others. My voice shaky and broken. Only now did I realise I was on the verge of crying. And he could hear it, too.
"Why are you up then?", he said after hearing my voice, his tone gentle.
"Couldn't sleep", I replied, trying to hold back the tears, though my voice broke mid sentence and the glow-in-the-dark stars soon got blurry again.
"If I'll tell you about my day, will you tell me about yours?", he suggested, taking it up on himself to keep me from crying.
"Maybe", I replied.
He took that as a yes.
"Well, I couldn't sleep because of my terrible personality trait of being a night owl. But you already knew that", to which I let out a small laugh. I could feel him smiling.
I tapped.
"I have a math test this morning. And then I have physics. I think I'll have lunch with everyone. I sort of remember Carson talking about bringing his perfect homemade chocolate chip cookies. I'll update you if they're really perfect. And then I think I have computer science. Oh, and I have a French test later, but that'll be easy. Mom might not have got me and Flo fluent, but we get around. And to finish off, I have film club. After that I'll probably go home and write my English essay. Plus, I promised Flo to go to the movies with her", he rambled on. "That's probably it"
His normality made me smile, if even just a little.
"What about you?", he carefully asked.
I swallowed, feeling as if I was slowly drowning in my own anxiety - the routines getting heavier and the feeling of having to do the things I really didn't want to was getting almost unbearable.
I didn't answer.
"Why couldn't you sleep, darling?"