Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

93. To hold

[A/N: Oh gosh, I've probably spent far too long writing this, also very long, chapter. But I love it, so I hope the wait was worth it!💐]

I sat across from Dr Noma in her office, looking at her as she scribbled something down.
"How are you feeling?", she asked me, looking at me gently. I had been sitting across from her for almost an hour now, and so I found it odd that she only asked me that at this point, right before we were supposed to say goodbye. Maybe it was because I, actually, was on edge. And that I was trying to avoid talking about the move.
Instead, we had mostly spoken about Dom and Flo. And how I felt about that.
But I guess she had other plans now. I'm
"Generally? Like sh*t", I quickly replied.
"Rue-", she began to say, pointing out the way I was wording things. And it was true, I rarely used words like that.
I guess I was frustrated.
"I mean it. Between thinking about my boyfriend and his sister and moving and leaving things behind, I don't have time for feeling much else", I told her quietly, as I was looking down at my lap.
"I know you don't like change", she said.
I turned my head, and looked out from the window.
"And I've been preparing for it. So am I not supposed to feel a little better than I am?", I replied, asking her a genuine question.
"It's always hard to leave things behind", she said, her voice calm.
I fell quiet.
"Can I suggest a theory?", she hesitantly asked.
I looked at her, and slowly nodded.
"I think... that you're having to leave things behind, and for the first time in your life you had a choice in doing that", Dr Noma said, putting her pen and notebook down. "Before, you've only been forced to experience change. And now, suddenly, you were a part in deciding whether or not to make a change", she continued to explain, looking deeply at me. "I think that that's what doesn't go together for you. That's what makes you feel like, as you say, like sh*t. Because you've never experienced it before"
I swallowed anxiously, looked down on my lap and tapped in the pattern I liked, as it dawned on me.
"I guess", I slowly told her. "But how do you know if it's a good or a bad change if you made the decision to make it?", I asked her, feeling confused.
She smiled.
"You don't", she easily answered.
"So I'll just have to wait and see?", I asked her, feeling empty for some reason.
"I suppose", she said.
I paused for a second, letting my mind process the things that would have been so clear for anyone else but me.
"What if I hate London?", I asked her, my voice holding on by a thread.
"I don't think you will, Rue", she replied.
"I've never lived anywhere but New York", I admitted quietly, letting the fear run over me.
"Everyone gets nervous about moving to a new place. It's perfectly okay to feel like that", she assured me. I pulled up my legs on the chair, pulling my arms around them and leaning my head against my knees. "And remember that you've got Vanessa and Lin there with you. They'll be by your side, always", she pointed out, smiling to the side.
"I know... but- but what if I don't belong there?", I asked her, my voice on the verge of breaking.
She quickly found my eyes.
"Take a deep breath with me", she said. "Inhale", she instructed me, and we did. "And exhale"
I felt the air leave my body, feeling slightly more in control all of a sudden. She must've realized that I had started to breathe quickly.
She paused before she answered my question, but only for a moment.
"I think you'll realize that you don't have to belong anywhere, as long as you feel like you belong somewhere", she continued to explain for me.
"I don't see the difference", I quietly told her, because I really didn't.
She paused for a second, thinking about how she could say it in a clearer way.
"Belonging, in a sense, doesn't have to be bound to the place you are in. I feel a sense of belonging with Egypt, because that's where my parents grew up and it's where my second language comes from, but I also feel like I belong in New York, where I've gone to school and worked for most of my life. And then we've got the small town I grew up in, to which I also feel a sense of belonging", she said, looking at me as I tried to wrap my head around the concept. "You can feel like you belong in many places at a time. Or that you belong with many different people"
I slowly nodded.
"So...", I began to say, a little hesitant because to others this seemed so clear, so definite, but for me it had never been. "You don't have to belong to something?", my question would be confusing if you hadn't heard the rest of our conversation, but she understood.
She nodded, looking at me proudly.
"It's a complicated thing... but, I think... I think that you choose to belong with something, to choose to hold someone or something", she said. "Not the other way around. But sometimes life chooses for you. But you have to choose whether you want to belong with that or not"
I looked at her, blinking a few times.
And then I looked down, and nodded slowly.
Because I knew our time was up.
For the last time.
This round, at least.
"I've wanted to belong to somewhere, to someone, to something my entire life", I said, feeling the tears filling up behind my eyes. "Because I never have", I continued, letting the tears fall. "I wanted someone to say that I... I belonged to them. But I just had to feel it? I just had to choose to belong with them?"
Suddenly Dr Noma's arms wrapped around me.
She hadn't done that before.
"Exactly", she quietly told me. "I usually don't hug my patients, but you're not my patient anymore. I hope that's okay with you"
I nodded.
"Thank you", I breathed, truly meaning it. "Thank you for putting up with me. For making me do so many things. For making me better"
She let go of me, laughing a little.
"It's been a pleasure. And, remember, I recommended Dr Grace Khan for when you get to London. We studied together. She's dedicated her career to helping people with OCD and PTSD. I know you'll like her", she said, averting from the topic and looking at me kindly.
I smiled, and then I looked at her name tag.
"Why do you only use your first name?", I asked her, genuinely wondering.
"More personal", she replied. "I used to go by my last name when I started out, but I feel like you get a better connection with the patients if you're on a first name basis. Especially because I mostly treat kids. Dr Abdelrahman-McKnight isn't as fun to talk to as Dr Noma, right?", she continued, smiling to the side, her smile contagious.
I nodded.
"Yeah", I told her. "Right"
"Also, before you go", she said, turning around to pick something up. "This is for you"
She was holding a black notebook in her hand, with a pen attached to it. I took it, slightly hesitantly, as I gave her a confused look.
"I always give my patients a notebook when I see them for the last time. I've had you talk about pretty much everything to me, so this is a reminder and a help for you to continue to retell and reflect. Write things down as you please, when things are easy and when things are hard. Try to do it, at least", she explained.
"Thanks, I'll- I'll try", I said, nodding at her, holding the book close to me.
"You've been taken out of the narrative for so long, Rue. It's time that you put yourself back in the narrative, alright?", she suggested, sounding slightly emotional but only if you listened closely. I swallowed anxiously, trying to hold back the tears. "Alright?"
I nodded gratefully, feeling sad because I knew I had to leave. I hugged the book.
She glanced at the clock.
"I'm sorry, but our time is up since a few minutes", she pointed out, sounding calm and collected. Whereas I didn't really even want to leave this room. Which, in a way, was funny as I had spent so many sessions in here, just wanting to get out. Most recently when she forced me to eat a sandwich.
I stood up, and put my tote bag over my shoulder, feeling a little weight on my shoulders.