don't get too attached - matt sturniolo

chapter seven

after a few pithy attempts at small talk, i felt sufficiently uncomfortable enough to get my things and head towards the front door.

"sorry about that. thank you for coming over. you helped a lot," chris said, nervous for the first time since i had seen him.

"that was all you and- and him," i said, throwing a gesture at the upper floor which i meant to come off as nonchalant but fell flat.

i waved to nick, who stood at the foot of the stairs, and then walked out, letting the door close slowly behind me. i exhaled, a small ache in my chest.

before i could get to my car, i heard the door slam and felt a grip around my upper arm. i whirled in surprise and was met with matt, whose eyes were brighter than i had ever seen them, and they were startling up close. they held a depth that had me floundering before i regained a semblance of composure.

"what are you-"

"we are not some lesson for you. we are not some moment of realignment for your moral compass. don't treat us as a class in acceptance when we're fucking people."

i blinked, stunned into momentary silence. "that's not what i was trying to say."

"then tell me what you really meant."

and there was that compulsion to meet his expectations. "it was something i was taught to follow without question. i didn't contest it or even think to because i didn't want to rock the boat or make people angry with me. and i went along with it because it was supposed to be the right thing for all parties. the new kids leave and move on, and they all say goodbye eventually. it won't hurt as much if you don't talk to them."

here his eyes flashed, and i knew that i had unintentionally just touched on his entire method of living. i winced, wondering if he would pick at my slip-up. nick wouldn't have said anything if matt really didn't want anyone to know, right? or was the whole point of me knowing the fact that i didn't have a reason to tell? no one wanted to know a thing about the new kids. and i had been the same way.

"i promise that i see you as people. i was just saying that it took me until now to view it that way."

he frowned, taking my answer in. his eyes darted to where his hand was still grabbing my arm, and he let go, leaving us both to stand in awkward silence.

"keep it that way. don't drag me or my brothers into your little self-exploration journey." and with that he turned around and stomped back into the house.

i stood by my car for a bit, trying to get my breathing under control. his voice had been venomous, but under that acid was a dull pain that i only recognized after going over his words in my head. he didn't want to be noticed, but he wanted to be recognized as an individual. he didn't want to be pulled into conversation, but he wanted to be heard.

i cast a sad look at the closed door, ready to head home.

when i came into my entryway, i heard the muffled sound of the television. he was awake.

i went to the kitchen to grab a quick snack, and i heard him groan as he shifted on the couch.

"where have you been?"

i sighed. "out with people from school, dad. like i told you when i texted you."

he grunted. "phone's dead."

i rolled my eyes, shaking my head. "charge it tonight."

"doesn't change anything. nobody gives a damn about me."

i gripped the edge of the counter, annoyance filling me. i kept his house afloat and out of disrepair, made money when he wasn't sober enough to be financially stable or proactive, and constantly cooked his meals and washed his clothes and always kept the number to his aa meetings on the fridge in case he wanted to be a father or just a human being for once.

but sure. i didn't care. i put my snack back in the fridge, my appetite lost.

"night, dad." i called as i jogged up the stairs. the only response i got was the volume of whatever game was on tv being turned up louder.

as i got ready for bed, i couldn't help but brush my fingers against where matt had grabbed me, unable to tell if the lingering heat was from the strength of his hold, my incessant contact with it, or just my imagination.

when i laid my head on my pillow and shut my eyes, a sense of determination settled into me.

i would prove that i was different. and whether or not he believed it, matt would see it.

i fell asleep before i could pause to wonder why his approval was so important.