Memoirs of old writing days

The Priest and his Demons

The priest hated himself.

He really, really, shouldn't have done what he did, he really should not have gotten so desperate and depressed as to resort to what he did but ...

The Lord saw him fit to deal with this punishment, and now he had to bear it.

Pride, Greed, Lust, Envy, Gluttony, Wrath, Sloth.

The seven deadly sins, personified as demons in his household.

And they followed him everywhere.

*******

"You pussy! What do you think you're doing?" Wrath hissed in his ear. "Why the fuck are you backing off?! This is the last one!"

The priest sighed at the devil on his shoulder and resisted the urge to slump his head on the wheel.

"We got that parking spot first! Fight for it! That greasy fucker doesn't deserve it! Look at him! That asshole's taking advantage of you!" Wrath's voice dripped venom as it snarled at the other driver pulling into the parking spot.

*******

"Glut, back off the guy!" Envy said.

"What? I'm just saying that it would be good if he gained a few pounds! I made pasta!" Gluttony poked at the depressed priest while holding a steaming bowl of pasta away from Greed.

"After we eat, we should take a nice, long nap. We've earned it!" Sloth slurred drunkenly, lazing on the couch next to the priest. Envy turned a shade green and quickly began shoving a spot between them aggressively.

"Damn right we do!" Greed snatched the bowl from Gluttony.

*******

"I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty," Lust purred, and the priest and Pride both felt their stomachs' heave.

"For the last time, it's "'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned!'" The priest snapped. He rubbed his temples, praying for patience.

"What do you want, evil spirit?" The priest asked after not being able to watch Lust pose seductively any longer.

Pride winced. The priest was practically setting himself up for ...

"Your semen." Lust grinned.

There was absolute silence, the priest turning red and his jaw working.

Lust took his silence as a go-ahead. "You know ... I'm awfully good with my tongue." Saying so, it slid its tongue across its smirk obscenely.

Out of nowhere, the priest whipped out a flask of holy water from his robes and mercilessly splashed some on the succubus.

It let out a demonic screech as the droplets seared its skin like acid and Pride jumped back.

"That's enough!" The priest hissed. "Stop following me around and helping me get laid! I'm a priest, I'm supposed to remain celibate! And we're in church, so be respectful!"

"We don't have to be, 'cause no one can see us," Pride smirked. "Can't exactly say the same for you."

The priest froze, the blood from his face simultaneously draining and rising as he whipped around to face the hundreds of eyes from mass on him.

Lust merely rubbed its wounds with a scowl.

*******

Seven demonic sins living with a priest down on his luck with only one bathroom. That was his life now, wasn't it, after he accidentally summoned them.

They've been with him for what felt like an eternity, and the priest ... had grown used to the chaotic lifestyle. Didn't mean he had to like it. He understood that the demons wanted to help him back on his feet (for some forsaken reason) but instead of making his life easier, it was the opposite.

So, he came up with a plan.

From what the priest had read from in his youth, the Seven Deadly Sins were vices that spurred other sins and furthered immoral behavior. They can be overcome with the Seven Heavenly Virtues.

Humility, Charity, Chastity, Gratitude, Temperance, Patience, Diligence.

Humility cures pride by removing one's ego and boastfulness, therefore allowing attitudes of service.

Charity cures greed by pulling the desire to help others above storing up treasure for one's self.

Chasity cures lust by controlling passion and leverages that energy for the good of others.

Gratitude cures envy by placing the desire to help others above the need to supersede them.

Temperance cures gluttony by implanting the desire to be healthy, therefore making one fit to serve others.

Patience cures wrath by taking time to understand the needs and desires of others before acting or speaking.

Diligence cures slothfulness by placing the interest of others above the life of ease and relaxation.

The priest had been trying to act upon these virtues, but the seven demons were testing his every nerve. So, if he couldn't act upon the Seven Virtues any longer, he might as well summon them.

He had done it with the demons. Granted, he didn't know how, but ...

"Lust! Stop watching porn on the fucking TV! Pride and I have a bet going on for the football team! And Sloth, stop taking up the couch, you lazy shit!" Wrath screamed from the living room.

Dear God, they were like children ...

The priest wasn't sure what Lust replied with — probably some lewd comment about the football players — but Gluttony's voice rang out, "Time to eat!"

The priest walked away from his books to meet the scene of Greed and Envy grappling against each other for the biggest plate of food. Knowing Envy, it only wanted the plate because Greed did.

With a sigh, the priest took the largest plate from the counter while the two were fighting, feeling slightly jealous of Sloth snoring away from the chaos. He took the remote and turned off the TV to shouts of annoyance from Lust, Wrath, and Pride.

He felt satisfaction as the three demons took their meal and joined him at the table along with Gluttony, Greed, and Envy. Sloth was the last one to drag itself from the couch, grabbing a plate and slumping into the nearest chair.

His eyes lingered on Lust as it stretched before he ripped his gaze away, feeling a tinge of rage at himself. The priest took a bite of his meal, then began digging in with more hunger.

Later ... he'd just do it later ...