Song Book (h.s)

chapter 9

don't forget to follow me @aurorasasitwas on twitter 

Harry Styles 

It probably wasn't the best idea to have sex with Lilliana on her first day of being here. Usually, I'm calm and collected around women and people in general - but with her, I get so weak. All of my barriers break down and my resolve crumbles at the mere sight of her. So, bringing her back to my house to do what we did - I didn't regret it as much as I should have. 

Even though she still claims that she and Zayn are actually dating, I don't buy it one bit. I mean, if they were, why would he be so comfortable with me hovering around her. I don't make it a point to hide my affection for her. At this point, it's impossible for Lillian to leave my head most days. 

She found someone before I could, and I'm still reeling in self-pity and destruction. 

There are too many ways our story would play out and in every one of them, I'm still awful at getting over her. My regret will be a piece of me and I'll always be a little bit hers. 

Maybe there is just a part of me that wants her to myself. The image of her has haunted me for years, to see her so willingly in front of me, is surreal. Lilliana was mine before she was Zayn's. Before she was anyone else's, she gifted her heart to me, and somehow I've managed to fuck her over twice. 

Her words echo loudly inside my head. She thinks I'm not hurt? That I have not been affected by our circumstances as much as her? Then maybe she never believed my love for her in the first place, because that was so far from the truth. It hurt so much, but even more, it hurts to see her so broken in front of me. That, at least, I hadn't noticed until recently. Her resolve glittered into mine at the end of the night.

Her beautiful blue eyes burned into mine with every tear, every word, every second. 

My precious Little Red. My perfect girl. 

She was in so much pain... on defense all of the time and barely opening up to the world, secluding herself in this dungeon of misery. 

And it was my fault. 

Lilliana has always been the best person for me, the best person in my life. That is something that I thought would never change. Life hasn't been on my side, at least. But that day, I realized that I was replaceable to her. I don't matter in her world, the same way I shut her out of mine. 

Yet, I refuse to get over her. She doesn't feel what I feel? Then I'm not going to make her. And hopefully, she realizes how much I truly love her in due time. I won't force anything, because I'm sure she's hiding how she feels about me just to be a stubborn pain in the ass. 

But there is no denying our old love has a lasting effect on our work relationship. I know she hates the music I write, but she's too afraid to admit it to my face. Instead, she acts cynical and unimpressed with the state of my writing journal. 

Like last week on Friday, we sat down in a field with a basket of fruit that Lillian insisted we buy for our 'creative writing process'. I'm aware that she only wanted the fruit basket because she can't focus on songwriting when she doesn't have anything to nibble on. I concede and pay for the wooden pannier. 

After badgering me about how I can use a little bit of improvement, my chest tightens and I persuade Lilli to tell me the honest truth about my writing. If I don't get paper feedback then I'll never get better and it's back to square one. 

Her dazzling brown eyes scintillate from the illuminating sun. The red freckles sweep lightly on her face. She twists her lips into a smile and my heart stutters at the sight. She looked ethereal and serious. A look that only works on Lillian.

"Harry... do you ever think the reason you can't write a decent song is that you're too stuck in a personal dreamland?" Her determined query shakes me out of my tunnel vision of her and I pluck a grape from the pink bowl. 

I scrunch my nose in question not really knowing how to answer the question. My eyes flutter shut and I lay backward on the white cloth we're stationed on.

"I mean," Lillian persist, crossing her bare leg and pulling down her white sundress, "don't you get exhausted trying to make your life seem so perfect and trying to convince people that you're resilient?" 

"Eventually, I'll fade away from the media... from this earth. What's the point in being truthful and honest and trying to find the good in everything when you know things will always go downhill? There are things that I'll never be confident enough to say. And they're too difficult to write down." I can sense Lillian getting closer to me. The sunlight disappears from my face and is replaced by darkness. "No one ever reads in-between the lines, and I'm okay with how they portray me in the news."

I bite my lower lip in hesitation. "So, to answer your question... I'm okay with the bubble I've centered myself in. Because I'm not expected to be perfect in my own mind when I'm alone. But, yes, it affects my songwriting. "

Small fingers dig into my jaw and I'm suddenly tilted to peer into Lillian's eyes. There's a permanent frown on her face and I go to lift myself off the ground but she pushes me back down by my stomach with her knee. 

I'm taken aback and a noise of surprise escapes from my mouth. Lillian sits above my stiff, strewn-out body with her thighs straddling my hips. Her perfect teeth are clenched into a sweet smile and her hair curtains us from the world. 

"I'll let you in on a secret..." My curious gaze follows her lips to her nose to her eyes. I let out a hum to urge her on. "I've loved nothing in this world more than you. I think it's actually impossible for me to replace you at this point. And I really wish you knew how special you are to the world."

I shake my head, trying to get her to stop. Because it's not true. Somehow I've managed to guilt her into sucking up to me or maybe she's just saying anything she thinks I want to hear. "No, no. Little Red, stop. You're lying."

"Harry, look at me!"

After a beat of silence, I turn my head to align with Lillian's. But instead of seeing pity and remorse, I see adoration. And it's directed towards me...

"You deserve a second chance." She pauses and closes her eyes before she slips up and reaches for my hand, pulling me up with her. "And I'm giving you that second chance."

I feel like I'm dreaming at this point. My brain has short-circuited at every word that she uttered. There's no way that this is actually happening. 

"Are you serious, or are you just fucking with me?" I bite out. But Lillian notices my gated expression and addresses my apprehension with a full-blown smile. 

She takes my hand in hers and tugs me closer. "I'm serious." She wraps her hands around my neck and places my hands on her hips. "If that's what you want, of course."

Now it's my turn to break out into a grin. "Of course!"

A second chance. 

Another shot that I can't fuck up. 

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okay sorry this is late. And for my long break, but im back and I now know where the story is headed. so on that note... this was a short chapter but it'll be the only short chapter from this point on. its the calm before the storm. enjoy it while it lasts.