I Am Your Alpha

22. Warning Trigger Chapter.

Warning, before you proceed reading this chapter, I need you all that will read this chapter to understand that whatever is spoken by the character, whatever his feelings are, they are his own as an individual.

I do not SUPPORT, ENCOURAGE OR AID in the actions of self harm and or self inflicted pain.

Proceed with caution.

Valentino Winter.

We are born with flaws, born with different views of the world, others see it in a colorful way, they may hit bumps or get taken down one too many times, you'll see that they'll rise up and fight till until they live a charmed life, I've always wanted to live a charmed a life but I fucked up, I messed up so much I didn't know and still don't know how to fix the mistakes, the hurt and pain I've inflicted on the people that have loved me.

Dear Xander.

I always wanted to be like you, wanted to be the person everyone admired, loved and looked up to, all our lives I was a bitch to you and honestly as I see it now, I was that way because I thought I couldn't fit into your perfect world, I couldn't be the person who could actually be considered of worth in your life or even just a passing part of it.

I have to admit that at one point during the time we were together, I fell in love with you, your nerdy, self made, prideful and childish self, you were everything to me and more, I was too selfish, too blinded by the need to be better than you that I lost you, in my spiteful ways I lost you, deprived you of the right to be a father, I regret that the most, I should've been better than that, and that's how I truly know, you were right.

You could've forgiven me, accepted me back, but I would've been the leech to your honorable heart, I would've wanted it all until there was nothing left, I don't know if I'm cursed or anything but I realize that I destroy anything I touch and it's horrible but I know it's true, I can admit that to myself now.

You deserve better Xander, you deserve to be loved, and I wouldn't have loved you, I realize that even if I would claim to love you now it's not really real, it's the idea of you loving me that had taken my mind, even though both of us would accept the other, deep down, I know I wouldn't have and that's because I don't know what love is and even if I were to learn to love you, I don't deserve your love, it's too pure for me to taint.

I realize this is pathetic, leaving a letter but I know if I were to say these words to you now, you'd stop me, you'd be your charming, helpful self and help me heal which is something I don't want, I'm too far gone Nile, we both need to accept that, and me doing this means I get to be free, I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side but I'm sure it's beautiful.

I know you'll argue, what about my family, I have no friends, my family, I've told them the truth, told them how much I loved them, and I hope you'll help them raise your godson heaven knows they need the help.

I've tried to live, after alpha Gard's death, and even though you've entrusted me with the pack, I am sorry to disappoint you, I'm just not cut out to be alpha, you were right, I had no idea what I was claiming.
So this is my final word, when you leave tomorrow I want you to leave with the memory of me alive and happy and joyful, I want you to explore the world with your children, and lastly find love Xander, find love.

I'm a coward for having done what I did, it had been a week or two since the death of alpha Gard, Xander had made sure the pack was self sufficient and had made sure that the pack would be okay in his absence, when they heard he was leaving, I've never heard so many threats on one man not to leave, some went as far as chaining him to their beds and treating him like royalty, it made me realize that, —that passion, that devotion people had for Xander, I would never acquire that, and that's what made us different, he had earned their love and loyalty not taken it by force as if it was owed to him, my original plan, which honestly was an idiotic idea.

The party under the full moon had lasted until the wee early hours of the morning. "I love you my boy." I whispered next to my son, placing a kiss and his letter next to him. Silently I jumped over the window to the backyard, then silently made way to my car, I had intentionally parked it further away to avoid waking my family, I didn't want them to stop me, not them, not Xander or his brothers, I drove to his house, obviously he'd be asleep since he had partied hard and was ready to leave later in the afternoon, I guess I was beating him to the goodbye and leaving part, the letter I wrote for him I placed it under his door, I had parked away from his architectural marvel of a house so he wouldn't notice, and when I was leaving, I turned back once, this was it.

I had never thought of how I would die, I never really had to because as wolves we age slower than humans, even if we had human mates, the moment they are part of the pack they share in this gift, it's why our parents were in their forties but looked half their age, so the concept of ever worrying about death never came to mind, maybe it did but I was too busy to notice, or my head was full of all the overwhelming emotions that I toiled with to never truly grasp the concept of me dying, I may have not seemed sick, but I knew I was, I knew I needed help, but I couldn't be a burden to my family anymore, I couldn't be a burden to myself, my wolf had already found peace somehow, I was just a shell of what was now, and I found no reason to live.

So I drove, drove out of the pack, into the city then beyond it into the semi modernized parts of the old town, it was beautiful at night with its quaint lights, I drove past them, toward the place I had once found myself, found the meaning of what it meant to be a Winter, and honor my family, it wasn't sacred ground or anything but it was special to me, it was deep in the forest, so I parked my car where the dirt road ended  and trekked deeper into the woods until the rush of water and the humidity made itself present on my body.

It was a large waterfall, with jagged rocks at the bottom, most would assume I would jump, that seemed way too painful, I was still conscious enough for that, I was here for the view, I would miss it. "I may or may not regret this, but I regret not being able to love the people who loved me, they were the best thing that happened to me and I hurt them, I should've been better, and I hope they forgive me, but now, I'm too far gone to turn back, and I am truly sorry, even to myself." I called out to the space, as the rushing water seemed to quieten down and the peace flooded me. I wanted a painless death in a dream like state, so I popped the vial of the special toxin Lexi had helped me create, it was an experiment for the rat problem in the pack house pantries, but we had concentrated too much toxin, so it was deadly even to wolves, it caused no pain, just killed you.

And so I drank two, overkill yeah, but I knew it would get the job done, and finally I would rest, find myself elsewhere without all the pain and issues that I struggled with, I lay there, watching the water and slowly I lost myself to the sleep that took my mind, and I dreamt, with the tranquil peace brought by the waterfull in the distance.

+++

It took me a lot of emotional strength to write this, at some point I debated putting this in Val's POV but I needed you guys to understand that this was his decision, despite it being the freaking wrong one, it was his, and at times when things get too much WE all feel the need to inflict self harm or just take it away, quick and swiftly but that's not the way.

A lot of solutions can be found to the struggles we face, I know especially with african communities it is the hardest thing to talk about because we aren't educated on mental health, we aren't given the options others are given, so we struggle and keep struggling till we become the people we hate, often abusers have been abused but because there was no help, no outlet for their mental torture they became what they became, ( For the record I don't speak for all who abuse, some just do it, regardless of reason or sound decision.)

Yet I must say this, there are ways to survive our trauma, there are ways to heal, and a lot of the times you are told to find it in prayer. ( No offense to any religious parties but F.U.) Prayer is restrictive, demonizing mental health is a problem on it's bloody own and I will never be a fan.

Yes you can pray on it, but still get professional help, if you can't, share the burden, one mind alone cannot solve the problems of the world, it takes many, so find solace in the many.

Thank you for reading my book this far, and my little rant.

I Am the ever feisty Saint Jay ~ also Alpha.