His Chosen One

Eighteen

Nicklaus

When Nurse Wendy suggested that I be the one to carry precious Ezra to bed in my arms so that we might avoid waking him I honestly thought she was making the cruelest of jokes at my expense... My not wanting to leave sweet Ezra is so much more than apparent with how hard it has been to convince myself to leave just as I have been told I need to...

But when I realized that she was not being cruel to me... But instead offering both Ezra and me a kindness... I could have wept at her feet over hoping that the transfer from being in my arms to being sheltered in his bed will help Ezra stay sleeping instead of dissolving into heart-wrenching sobs as he did earlier...

I can only imagine that Nurse Wendy is hoping for the same... The worry she has expressed over his well-being here at Ezalie's House causing my own anxiety over having to sneak away from him tonight to triple inside of my chest...

And even though I feel as if my heart cries out with every step that we take closer to Ezra's room guided by Nurse Wendy and followed by the security team member that has been chaperoning us... I find myself cherishing every moment that I am able to keep Ezra in my arms... Being able to hold him close... Feeling the weight of him nestled against me so securely as he trusts me with such a vulnerable moment... His sleep is so adorable and so innocent... The feeling of his face nuzzling into my shoulder and occasionally my neck tonight is something that I shall never ever forget... The feel of his fists clutching at my shirt and vest imprinting on my heart as he broadcasts the craving of closeness that he has... Myself being the luckiest man alive to be the one he is craving closeness to.

...

Ezra

...

I know that I should have mentioned being awake to both Nicky and Wendy...

But somehow it feels as if I wouldn't have had these extra few moments in Nicky's arms... I would have had to walk myself back to my room and it would have hurt both my heart and Nicky's heart... It would have been just like earlier... And I would give anything to avoid breaking down the way I did earlier today... When I cried so hard that it felt like my chest was actually becoming more and more bruised with each and every sob... Because Nicky was leaving... And I wasn't allowed to go with him...

Just once I would like to manage a more peaceful goodbye... And not feel as though I am ruining things between me and whoever is leaving me in those horrible moments when they walk out the door... So I do not have to feel as though I am destroying every single chance of them ever wanting to come back and see me... Destroying my very few chances to hear of the outside world in order to fuel my fantasies of what it might be like to live somewhere other than here...

I know I'll be completely devastated when Nicky deposits me in bed and I find myself alone and crying by myself over the emptiness left inside of me that only the warmth of being held by him has ever been able to fill... I know that I likely will not be able to sleep... And that breakfast will not taste as it should in the morning...

But I just want a few more moments of peace together... Because I know if I start to cry now that it will only sour this moment and make it so much harder to say our goodbyes for the evening... And it might even cause Nicky not to come back...

I don't think he's the kind of man to change his mind... Not after he has been so kind and gentle with me today...

Not when he has asked me if it would be okay for his family to visit when after one of the worst meltdowns I have ever truly had... And partially in front of him no less...

But that does not mean that I am not nervous... Or that my anxiety is not threatening to choke me with just how much of it has built up inside of me over the thought of being put down... Over possibly not being able to see him in the morning when I wake... And having to wait for him to return even though I am fully aware that Nicky has given me permission to call him...

...

Nicklaus

...

It wasn't until we turned the corner just a few footfalls ago that I suspected that my sweet Ezra might be awake... But it feels as though the tears that I have started to feel seeping into my shoulder may be proof of my suspicion... Even if he is trying his hardest to hide his sniffles and to keep his eyes shut tight...

In some ways his awareness of my departure makes things feel so much worse... It makes me leaving so much harder than it already is... Because now both of us have to feel the pain so heavily taking its toll on my heart right now instead of me bearing the burden while Ezra slumbers peacefully at least for a little while... Both of us are having our hearts put through the wringer...

Because this hurts...

Having Nurse Wendy finally stop in front of a door with a whiteboard nameplate so thoughtfully decorated with a small sketch of a sea turtle next to Ezra's name...

It's painful...

Having the door opened to expose the room where Ezra has spent his days in solitude wishing to be freed from this place...

It makes my heart ache...

Knowing that I am about to have to put him down in his bed where I cannot lay down with him and hold him for the rest of the night so that he might sleep peacefully and deeply...

It impacts my soul in a way that I never could have imagined...