His Chosen One

Nine

Nicklaus

Parting from Ezra had been painful and full of sorrow, his sobs loud enough to be heard even after the front door had been closed, and still are echoing about in my mind in the most devastating of ways... We had hoped that he would fall asleep once more in my arms so that I might have been able to sneak away...

But instead, my sweet Angel had spent the entirety of his belly time giving the most maddening type of sighs while continuing to allow me to hold him, his eyes trained on me while he used a single hand to soothe my soul by keeping it up on the side of my neck opposite his face, his softer than air thumb gently stroking the sensitive skin there... His voice escaping him until Wendy had informed him that it was time for dinner and for me to take my leave.

And found him it had, if only to express his deep sadness over my departure... I do not think that words could ever cut me so deeply as they had when he had clung to me and begged me not to go...

How lonely he must be all cooped up in that home with no one to truly hold him when he clearly so desperately needs human warmth and kindness... And even now, as I pull into the driveway of my sister's home, a dinner invitation having been extended to me when she found out that I would be in the city today, I cannot help but ache with how true his layout had been in the catalog I had found my first precious glimpse of him in...

The space that had been allotted for him to tell the world a little bit about himself had simply read, 'My name is Ezra, and I am lonely.' and perhaps that is why I found myself so stuck on him to begin with... But I could have never known that his loneliness had run so deep that he would collapse into the arms of Wendy and give such bone-chilling sobs over my having to leave...

That he would have had to been removed from my lap by security so fierce was his cling, the way he had wailed leaving me feeling lost and listless, the feel of his nails biting into my palm in an effort to keep himself from being pulled away from me had been the only thing that had kept me from drowning in the emotions that had crashed into me upon the caregivers breaking the news that it was time to let go of each other and move on with the day...

As lost in my thoughts as I am I don't notice my dear sister until it is much too late, the way she lets her hand land upon my window enough to make me jump nearly out of my skin with how startled she leaves me, her smile falling when I lift my face and she sees the tears streaming down my face that I hadn't intended to let fall.

She does not rush me then, my hand reaching for my handkerchief, only to realize I had removed it already to scrawl my personal number on for Ezra to keep, not just so that he may call me whenever I cannot be with him, the clean cloth now something comforting of mine for him to keep and dry his own tears away when he is ready... Hopefully, enough of my scent clinging to it to give him some sort of comfort...

It is only now that I let out a sorrow-filled sigh and open my door, Claire helping by stepping aside and holding it for me so I can lift myself from my vehicle unimpeded.

"Nicklaus? What... What's wrong?" Claire takes me by the arm with care and leads me inside as she would have on any other occasion, though this time with so much more concern as she ushers me into the dining room, her children and husband all waiting for me to make my very late appearance.

Ezra

"Darling, you can call him... And it's not forever... He'll be back tomorrow... You heard him say it himself!" Wendy is so gentle as she holds me, my stomach being too unsettled in my grief to have any interest in the food that was made for the evening meal that we get to share with the staff... I know that I need to settle down and allow Wendy to go back to the table so she can eat and not have to be hungry for the rest of her shift... But my heart hurts... He said he would stay with me as long as he could... And I know that it isn't Nicklaus's fault that he had to leave...

But my soul finds it so very offensive to be left here by yet another person... To have to stay here instead of letting him take me by the hand and lead me out of this pastel nightmare... He is gone and soon Wendy shall be busy with her duties and I shall be left to try and fall asleep now missing the warmth of real comfort...

Belly time pales in comparison to being actually held... And for more than just the few minutes Wendy is allowed to offer me without getting herself into trouble, "I-I know I c-can call him, but i-it's n-not the s-same!" I want to feel his hand stroking my back and the warmth of his breath as it falls on my hair because the calmness that had fallen over us both during belly time was one like I've never been allowed to experience... I didn't feel so alone... Or afraid... I was allowed to simply be held, and to do some holding of my own and it had moved me... And somehow... Even though we both knew he would not be allowed to stay very well into the evening... His departure feels like a betrayal...

I feel so very offended that Nicklaus had the nerve to offer me so much comfort only to be so temporary... And now my heart aches because more than anything I want him to turn around and come back to me... To tell me that it was a mistake and that I would finally be going home... It doesn't even have to be back to the house my family is in... It just needs to be somewhere other than here... It needs to be somewhere other than here... If I must be kept locked away might it be too much to ask that there might be people included in that locked away space that might actually be allowed to let themselves love me?

I had felt the love offered in his embrace only to be yanked away from him by Simon and Wendy... So crumpled in my bed I shall stay so that I might not have to entirely hide the fallout that we've all been so warned against... An angry mutter from Ms.Ezalie about imprinting when she waved me away from the table and bidding Wendy to follow in order to try and calm me... If she would have allowed staff to touch us more maybe imprinting wouldn't be such an issue... If we all didn't feel like we're drowning in a sea of loneliness reaching out for any kind of affection that we might be allowed... She won't even let us hold each other... And now I know why... It's because once we latch on it feels so very terrible to let go, even when the comfort is coming from a stranger...

After a while in his lap, he hadn't felt like a stranger to me... When he had run out of yes or no questions that did not require me to speak he had carried on the conversation effortlessly on his own telling of all sorts of wonderous things that live outside of these walls... Like how he lives in something called a vineyard... And that he tends vines that make grapes that he turns into wine...

I know what grapes are and have had them on more than one occasion, but he had told me that these were a different type of grape than the typical ones for snacking... He had gone into detail, unintentionally building up and fleshing out the home I've kept so closely cherished in my imagination...

And even now as I clench my eyes tightly shut and try to lean into Wendy's hold when the timer goes off and she is forced to pull herself away I find myself pulling up the newly altered image for comfort... And this time instead of having the faces of my parents and siblings all gathered in the living room that has been the focus of nearly all of the pictures that they've thought to bring and show me on their monthly visits... It's an imagining of Nicklaus...In the big kitchen, he had described to me that belongs to his vineyard... His sleeves rolled up and that kind smile on his face, his hands being wiped on a small dishtowel so that he might open his arms wide and welcome me to run into him and finally feel... At home...

I know the image will not stay with me... And that after she bangs her work watch on my desk as discreetly as she can in order to jam the mechanism that interacts with the necklace the all of the residents are forced to wear that monitors the level of physical affection and interaction we are allowed every day... The very same mechanism that would tell on us to Ms.Ezalie when the time allotment is exceeded... That Wendy will return to me and climb back up onto the stiff bed and hold me until I can find it within myself to calm down...