Hopelessly Drowning

Chapter 8

A/N: 

Hi guys! Sorry, this chapter was out so late, I will not be updating twice a week for a couple of weeks because I am super busy. After the first week of June, I will go back to my regular updating schedule. 

I hope you are having a great day so far, and I hope you enjoy this chapter! 

As always don't forget to vote and/or comment if you like it or want to leave constructive criticism!

Happy reading!

___________________________________

"So, Elizabeth, tell me about what happened last night?" Ms. Reyes asked, bluntly.

I bit my cheek and shrugged. Please don't make me talk. Please. My soundless pleas were unheard when she pushed further.

"Ms. Harris told me that you had some sort of panic attack...?" 

Her voice lilted upward in question as she surveyed me. Please stop talking. Please don't make me remember. I stayed silent. If I spoke I would remember last night. If I remembered last night I would remember him. Every memory I had compartmentalized would come pouring out, would seep through the cracks in my already broken shell, and poison the world around me. Please don't make me remember.

"Can you tell me what you were thinking or feeling before it happened?" Her voice had become quieter, deepening into a more probing, earnest tone.

"Being alone." I barely whispered the answer. Alone. I hated that word, I hated being alone. When he was still alive, I had someone. Albeit, not someone who cared, but a living, breathing person all the same.

"Being alone. Can you tell me about that? Why do you think you're alone?" 

Her voice skillfully concealed her surprise at my response, but the small change in her posture gave her away. The pen in her hand immediately raised and its scratching against the yellow legal pad in her lap filled the silence.

I shrugged. I was alone. The one person in the world I had ever loved was gone. The home I had once loved was no longer mine. And the person who had never wavered in his consistent hatred of me was now dead and with him the only life I had ever known. I was in every sense of the word, alone.

"Alright, we'll come back to that. Can you tell me what it felt like during the attack? Any physical sensations?" Ms. Reyes asked, her pen hovering above her paper as she waited for my response.

"Trapped." I choked out the word. Just thinking of how it felt made my heart beat a little quicker.

I had felt trapped in my own mind. Trapped with him, with his voice, with every thought he had put in my head. Last night every cruel thought and word had broken free and I was too weak to stop it. They had slithered through my mind like black vines, wrapping and suffocating everything in their path. They trapped me within their confines and held me there forcing me to relive it, watch as my younger self cowered from the relentless abuse, and witness myself get broken over and over again.

"Do you have these attacks often?" I shrugged. At night the thoughts that plagued my dreams, and trapped me within their warped reality. But I could never afford to break during the day, my every waking moment was a nightmare, and sheer will to survive kept the thoughts at bay.

"Alright, we will dive further into that during our next session. For now, I would like to talk more about some symptoms that you might be having. I am going to start listing a few, and all you have to do is nod every time one applies to you. Okay?" She glanced down at her page as I slowly nodded my head.

" Do you experience flashbacks at all?" I nodded. All the time. They came at random moments during the day, when I would think of him. Ms. Reyes scribbled something on her notepad, before looking back up at me.

"Do you experience nightmares?" Ms. Reyes asked in a tone that suggested she already knew. I nodded.

"Do you experience insomnia?" 

I did nothing, still staring down at my hands. I had never been able to escape the clutches of my nightmares, the hope of a few minutes of precious, interrupted sleep was too tempting. Ms. Reyes wrote for a little longer that time, slashing her pen across her page to strike something out.

"Do you feel extreme guilt consistently?" 

 I nodded again. Always. Guilt had become a persistent presence in my mind. Simmering and writhing under my shallow thoughts, waiting for a moment to burst out and overwhelm me with its ferocity. Ms. Reyes just nodded at me, her eyes understanding and sympathetic.

"Do you ever have irrational or overwhelming feelings of fear even when there is no immediate danger or threat?" 

Fear. It had become my constant companion, the driving force of my every decision. Fear had become more a way of life than a feeling. I couldn't remember the last time I hadn't been afraid.

"Alright Elizabeth, that is enough for now. Next time you come in I will have you fill out some forms and go more into detail about your symptoms and the things you are feeling. Alright?"

 She put her notepad to the side, and picked up a blue sticky note, scribbling something on it before pasting it to the yellow legal pad that was covered in dark messy scrawls. She looked up at me, assessing my figure as if checking on me. It sent a small pang through me as I met her caring gaze for the first time. Those dark brown eyes were far less unnerving and sharp than when I had first arrived.

"We have a couple of minutes left in this session before Ms. Harris takes you back to the group home. Is there anything else you would like to talk about before we finish?" 

Her smile seemed warm and inviting. I closed my eyes, resisting the temptation to let everything pour out at that moment. I bit my lip as a lump formed in my throat. I forced myself to shake my head, before dropping my gaze back down to my hands. The momentary sense of comfort was gone as quickly as it had come.

"Alright Elizabeth, I can tell that you are ready to leave. I will see you in a week's time. In the meantime, feel free to talk to Ms. Harris about anything you are thinking or feeling, if you would like she could even call me if you needed it. Alright?" 

Her voice had taken on its silvery tone once more, and I quickly nodded. I clumsily stood up, almost losing my balance when I realized that my uninjured foot had fallen asleep. Ms. Reyes looked at me, concerned. I finally regained my balance and limped towards the door as Ms. Reyes held it open.

"See you next time Elizabeth, I am proud of you." Her voice called out from behind me as I limped down the hall towards the lobby. The corners of my lips turned up in a smile.  

__________________________________________

A/N:

So what do we think of Ms. Reyes? Like her? Dislike her? 

What is your favorite type of cookie?

I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Also, what do y'all think of my new banner at the bottom?

The next update will be sometime next week, hopefully, Monday or Tuesday. 

Byeeeeee